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I might suggest that you read Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood and Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
He is an abuser, both physical and mental. He has shown you who he is..believe him.
Abuse, like addiction is a progressive disease, left untreated, it will get worse, and, in my book, abuse, like addiction, is a deal breaker.
I totally agree with him, a child should not be brought into this toxic relationship. Children carry their childhood into adulthood, no child should be raised in a home
where abuse or addiction is present. I know all about that, as a child, I lived it.My mother is an abusive alcoholic, my brother and I still bear the scars today, both externally and internally.
You're looking at a lifetime of increasing misery and wishing for better if you stay. Hope is an evil thing sometimes, ya know?
I also think it would be unconscionable to bring children into a situation like this. You would just be perpetuating the cycle.
Get out. Let him save himself if he's so inclined, because you can't do it for him. He's not going to one day choose to be the person you want him to be. Why should he? He has no motivation to change because he's got you kept firmly in your place already.
Look, just because he doesn't physically abuse you regularly doesn't mean things are salvageable (or that he won't start doing that). There is nothing wrong with becoming a "divorce statistic" when you opt for divorce because one party to the marriage is completely dysfunctional and abusive. That is what divorce is INTENDED for. You're not talking about a disagreement over what color to paint the den. You're talking about poor treatment, abuse and a fundamentally different outlook on what constitutes a happy and healthy life.
Of course it's really great when things are going good. If it wasn't, there wouldn't be an abusive home on the planet, because no one would touch people like your husband with a ten-foot pole. But the most important relationship in your life shouldn't make you feel like **** on an ongoing basis. And if you look at it clinically, is what you're investing (in terms of effort, suffering and blows to your own mental health) really worth the "return" of those fleeting good times? Somehow I doubt it.
Look, the love of my life was a great guy (and never even remotely abusive). He came from a horrific background. His father split and his mother was a teenaged bipolar drug addict who liked to place the blame for her problems on her son. Understandably, he had some issues. But he still turned out to be a pretty ok guy. But even though we had some really great times together, he was not ultimately what I needed. His reckless lifestyle was a constant source of anxiety to me, and his lack of a sense of responsibility was a real problem. I'm not saying I was all kittens and ice cream, but the dysfunction in the relationship had a primary source. Ultimately, what killed my love for him was the fact that he was an indifferent father to his two sons from previous relationships.
I had some really good times with that man. Among the happiest in my life. But those good times were not worth the turmoil and anxiety and worry that he generated the rest of the time. Those good times were not worth the realization that he would likely not be a very good father to any children that resulted from our union. And his horrible childhood (parts of which literally almost made me vomit when he told me about them) did not excuse his bad behavior, even if it explained it. That dude faced a lot of choices and opportunities in his life because of his extreme intelligence, and he almost always made the worst decision he could.
I ended things, and it was painful for a long time - I'm not going to kid you. But 10 years later, a quick check at his facebook revealed that he's still the same guy he was - happy, but not in a situation I would be happy in. And a quick stock-taking of my life reminds me that I'm at a far happier place in my life - the happiest I've ever been. Sure, I don't have those heady, intoxicating highs of being with him, but I also am not spending the long intervening times between those brief highs in a state of anxiety and sadness because of his bad choices and reckless actions.
Look building happiness is hard. But it's impossible when you're trying to do it with a guy who isn't capable of it. And changing him isn't an option. You can't do that for him.
Get yourself out of this situation while you can still do it fairly easily. And for the love of god, don't bring a child into this hellish scenario. You're young - you have oodles of time to build a functional life with someone who wants the same things you do and who deserves the things you bring to the relationship.
First, you have my very deepest sympathies for the loss of your child. We lost my grandson at 6 months pregnancy, and as a grandma, I was devastated. My heart goes out to you for your loss.
Second, your husband has angry outbursts, and he likely won't stop, especially if you can't afford to get him help.
Third, he is calling you names and throwing things. That's abuse. Why are you still there? Because you love him? If you really love him, you will leave. It may be the only thing that wakes him up to his behaviors and forces him to change.
Fourth, he probably won't stop with the video games either. If you have children with him, count on raising them alone (or they will follow in his footsteps). A child deserves to have both parents active in his/her life.
Good luck. I hope he sees what he stands to lose before it's too late.
If you introduce children, he's going to get violent. I've watched this before. Abusive men often don't start hitting until their partner is pregnant or after the baby is born. He's verbally abusive and manipulative now. He's already breaking your homes. He's gonna start breaking you. Get out. Get out now.
He now has alcoholic tendencies and it worries me.
He is my best friend, but when he gets mad his outbursts are so extreme that i start to resent him, and his hurtful words never leave my mind.
Every apartment we have lived in he broke a hole in the wall or door. And even broke a huge mirror and my favorite painting that did. Things got physical 4 years ago and i called the cops, but i told them not to arrest him, he will never let go of that day any reminds me about it when he's angry.
Things were looking up, but his compulsive addiction to video games got worst. It is a lot of the reason to why we argue, because he get in his tunnel vision and ignores me.
I am a woman of passion and crave attention, so he gets very short tempered and yells like a mad man saying very hurtful things to me when i stand the like a trash to him.
He fully blames me for every argument and says that i provoked him. We are seeing a counselor for our marriage issues but for his anger problems she recommended he see a specialist but we both don't make enough for the high cost of anger
management.
He just now tells me he doesn't want kids because of his anger. I think he is making excuses and is being selfish and self centered while enjoys 6-8 hours of online video games.
Sex has gotten worst and im now having mixed emotions about our marriage...
Reread these pertinent points. You are living with an abuser. You and a future child are at risk of a lifetime of violence and misery.
You need to immediately call a Women's Refuge in your State.
If you introduce children, he's going to get violent. I've watched this before. Abusive men often don't start hitting until their partner is pregnant or after the baby is born. He's verbally abusive and manipulative now. He's already breaking your homes. He's gonna start breaking you. Get out. Get out now.
I suspect he's already been violent towards her - she said "Things got physical 4 years ago and i called the cops, but i told them not to arrest him". To me, that sounds like he got physical with her somehow - maybe not by hitting her but perhaps grabbing her or pushing her. I'm pretty sure that if he didn't assault anyone or damage anyone else's property, the police would have no cause to arrest him so she wouldn't have needed to tell them not to. If he was just yelling and damaging his own property, the police might have responded to the call and checked out what was going on but if there was no assault, I don't think they could arrest him.
The worst part is that he seems to hold the incident over her, as though she did something wrong by calling the cops when he got physically violent towards her. Yet had it not been for her, he would have gone to jail - is he grateful? Of course not, because nothing is ever his fault. It was her fault for calling the cops in the first place. Manipulation and abuse at it's greatest here.
And what are you getting out of this relationship?
Cut your losses now before you have kids.
He has anger issues as well as addictions to video games and alcohol - not a good combo.
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