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To those who believe that "life's too short" to tolerate an unpleasant situation, and therefore recommend divorcing - please consider that by the same token, life's too short to spend years searching for a replacement mate. It's too short to be advertising oneself. It's too short to waste on dead-end dates, stacks of letters that go unanswered, break-ups and tensions. It's too short to be second-guessing years later whether or not the couple ought to have split. And it's too short to be explaining to your children why they ought not to be repeating the mistakes of their parents.
I had to leave for the sake of my children. Sometimes, things are not so cut and dry.
To those who believe that "life's too short" to tolerate an unpleasant situation, and therefore recommend divorcing - please consider that by the same token, life's too short to spend years searching for a replacement mate. It's too short to be advertising oneself. It's too short to waste on dead-end dates, stacks of letters that go unanswered, break-ups and tensions. It's too short to be second-guessing years later whether or not the couple ought to have split. And it's too short to be explaining to your children why they ought not to be repeating the mistakes of their parents.
Well you also have to consider that there are people who find happiness after divorce. Many people find love again and even remarry, creating a better life for themselves and their children.
In a situation like yours, your mother should have left
Married parents who know they are heading for divorce should only stay together when they are both totally committed to their kids best interests and are therefore able to live with integrity and respect for one another.
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Originally Posted by LostMyself73
My parents stayed together for the sake of the children. My father was a great provider but she fell out of love with him, if she ever loved him at all. They slept in separate beds, I know my mother dated other men while married. I also know that my parents didn't love each other and actually wouldn't have associated with each other if we didn't exist. My question is do you think parents should stay together for the children, if so why or why not? What are the benefits of staying with your spouse if you don't love them? Do you think couples pretend to be happy just for the kids and do they both know that the relationship is fake?
Just a little FYI about me. I have a pretty good memory (if the subject interests me) and can recall things from the age of 3-4 yrs old.
Coming from a home with parents that weren't in love and pretty much hated the sight of one another, has caused my sister, brother, and I issues with relationships.
My brother has taken the approach of trying to stick with unhealthy relationships. He's been in love countless times only to be let down or disappointed. We've talked about why he's this way and believe that he never really learned what a couple is suppose to be like. People are suppose to be interested in the health and happiness of there mate. Just because a girl shows interest and cares about these thing doesn't mean she's the love of your life.
My sister has taken the approach of trying to control her husband. She has him on lockdown , he goes no where without her or her permission . He isn't allowed to have female friends or chat with female coworkers. He is only allotted a certain amount of cash and he has a credit card for emergencies. My sister and I are close and she knows what she is doing is wrong but she is so afraid of love and losing it that she thinks she can control it.
Myself I had a hard time adjusting to the attention I felt overwhelmed. It took me a long time to adjust to affection like hugs, kissing, actually for the longest time I didn't like anyone to hug or kiss me or even touch me. I don't recall ever seeing my parents do this and when I was hugged or kissed it was by my mom. So growing up when friends or boys would hug me it felt uncomfortable I didn't know what to expect, did they hug me like my mom to care for me or to be my authority, or did they want something more? I didn't know what to expect from a boyfriend and often treated them cold or dumped them because I didn't know how to act. I remember when I first fell in love I would tremble with emotions if we kissed and hugged, thank goodness he bought the idea that I was cold. For the longest time he would always try to bring me a coat or keep me warm, eventually he caught on and helped me through my feelings and thoughts.
The only reason I am staying is for the kids. I need them and they need me. You are right in saying that if not for the kids, I'd have left my wife long ago and would not want anything to do with her.
Does your wife know this is how you feel towards her or is she blind to the truth?
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Originally Posted by Lucario
Lots of this is true. I really don't want to be involved in the ordeal that is dating and looking for a mate.
So is this another reason why you stay with your wife or if you divorced would you stay single? Don't you miss feeling or being in love?
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Originally Posted by Lucario
You would if the chance existed that you wouldn't be able to raise them if you didn't stay.
Does your wife know this is how you feel towards her or is she blind to the truth?
Well, I think she understands that we are not in the least bit compatible, and she has been pushing for a divorce for years. So I feel as if our relationship would have ended long ago had we not had children.
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So is this another reason why you stay with your wife or if you divorced would you stay single? Don't you miss feeling or being in love?
Yes, I miss love. I want and crave love badly. But I never really was in any other relationship before I met her, so I never knew whether or not I was really "in love" with her. How could I? I would love to date/have sex with/be involved with a woman or many women after a divorce, but there is not a lot of hope that would happen, considering I'm just not really experienced or attractive.
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Why, wouldn't you have the chance to raise them?
I'm a father. Fathers often get screwed in "family" court.
Yes, I miss love. I want and crave love badly. But I never really was in any other relationship before I met her, so I never knew whether or not I was really "in love" with her. How could I? I would love to date/have sex with/be involved with a woman or many women after a divorce, but there is not a lot of hope that would happen, considering I'm just not really experienced or attractive.
Well look at it this way you've been married how long and say you get "it" 2 times a month so 24 times a year that's experience sure it's with one person but it still counts.
I understand why you question your ability to know love but I've only been with my SO since I was 14yrs old and I know I love him. Sure we have had our bad times but we've shared things that I wouldn't want to share with another. I am sure you can and will find love just be confident and true to yourself so you don't mistake infatuation for love.
I'm a father. Fathers often get screwed in "family" court.
So you don't trust your wife to allow you to help raise the children. Are your kids big enough to decide who they want to live with?
I trust her to be civil and to not try to use the biases of the court system to hurt me. But since she has multiple personalities, I am not sure which one I'm dealing with half the time. I'm not helping her raise the kids.....I'm doing as much or more than she is.
I wish I could be confident, but my history with women hasn't been very good.
Children would rather come from a broken home than live in one.
So, here is a 20/20 hindsight answer...I left my ex, I just could not take his lying, faking, cheating, any longer. I was depressed and suicidal, wondering what I was doing wrong, to "deserve" the silent treatment for weeks on end, or the sudden rages, out of no where. I left, I was so miserable. I thought it was dysfunctional for my kids to see such a terrible example of marriage.
When I left, I could not afford the big house any longer, there was no money for extras, I worked two and three jobs, my kids really suffered, and blamed me for ruining their lives. They were living an upper middle class bubble world, before the divorce.
So, in retrospect, I should have just focused on things I could control, and stay, and cheer up, I suppose, my kids would have been happier. Maybe I just needed more medication and therapy.
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