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Old 05-31-2013, 02:46 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,055 posts, read 106,854,652 times
Reputation: 115795

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Quote:
Originally Posted by BrunoMars View Post

Millions of men meet up/hook up with women every single day - I have a friend whos slept with over 40 women, another whos had about 12 girl friends...but me, 31 and nothing? Why am I so different? I really don't believe I'm that un-desirable.....but I'm beginning to wonder. There are some tings in life people will never do - be a professional sports player, get that job they wanted, have kids......is it also true to say that plenty of people will just live live forever single? Do a google search and you'll find plenty of stuff on men in their 50's & 60's totally single.

Its crazy how uncommon this is to the point its almost laughable. Should I just give up & accept it? Anyone got any ideas or experience with/met anyone similar who's turned this around?
Judging by the posts we get on this forum, it's not as uncommon as you'd think.

I also think you're setting yourself up for feeling miserable by convincing yourself that everyone but you is out having scads of hookups, gf's, etc. There are guys out there who are players, but they're in the minority. Average guys aren't picking up women right and left. And then there's the below average guys, who are in a similar boat to you. Lots of men and women struggle with this. Instead of playing a tape in your head about how everyone but you is scoring (they're not), focus on what you can do for you.
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Old 05-31-2013, 05:28 PM
 
Location: Milwaukee
1,999 posts, read 2,457,367 times
Reputation: 568
Quote:
Originally Posted by dub dub II View Post
I say give up, join the clergy, and taunt the nuns ceaselessly with suggestive innuendo.

Then, go rouge, by a plane like that guy from Lost, and start smuggling heroin.

Then buy a prostitute, or a wife, from like Thailand or the Caribbeans.

Then, set up a mansion and pretend you're Vito Corleone.
I actually like this plan.
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Old 05-31-2013, 07:02 PM
 
3,494 posts, read 4,653,031 times
Reputation: 2170
Quote:
Originally Posted by Timmyy View Post
You should put that in a script and send it to Hollywood..
For 1% of your royalty, it's yours....

I'm way too lazy to write on one thing for more than a couple minutes...

Tell you what...a screen credit to this screen name and go crazy with it.

Add to it the general apathy men feel towards women, the lead getting rejected in his 30s by a girl he wanted, only to end up with her when they're both old. After the prostitute wife passes on.

Then they die the next day.

In each others arms? I'll leave that up to you..
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Old 05-31-2013, 08:29 PM
 
175 posts, read 274,351 times
Reputation: 239
Contrary to belief.....I suppose its difficult to tell from this post, but this lack of success or currently being single doesn't even really bother me THAT much. At School I was buillied the whole way through, at University all i cared about was studying & I had to work a lot of hours at my part time job. Shortly after that my father passed away & I was a bit of a mess for about 3 years. Not making excuses, but overall looking back from the age of 12-18 through School being bulled, 18-25 studying/working and then 25-28 having personal problems I doubt I'd ever have had time or been capable of having a girl friend. It's only really been the last 3 years where I don't have any excuses, and really this year where I've began to think about it.

The only times it really bothers me is when (A) I get invited to a social event and I go alone and all my friends are there with theiir other halves & (B) When people ask me "So why are you sngle? Why dont you have a girl friend". There is also (C) & (D) - with all my friends in relationships/married/kids its not always possible to see them so sometimes I have nothing to do at a weekend but I can always amuse myself. The biggest fear is once I get into my 40's/50's - I'm pretty sure that will be pretty lonely.

I agree with some posters that I need to focus on enjoying life through other means & not be hell bent on fidnign someone. A happy content person is a good and attractive thing right?

I'm not an idiot - I know a partner isn't the be all of life. But at the same time - if I don't do something to improve my social skills & put myself out there nothing will change. I'm male so it means I have to make the actions, not like females who (typically) wait for men to come to them.

Ironically, no idea if it had anything to do with this post but I had 2 pretty good conversations with woman on the trian home today. One was just kind of small talk, some smiles and eye contact. When I swapped train i sat with another girl for about an hour and a half. i didn't speak to her the whole time but found out where she was going and why, her job, Uni back ground, stuff about her Mum & her name. She was only 21 and on her way to meet her boyfriend but I carried on talking; she asked me a lot of stuff about me also She seemed genuinly interested in talking to me and it was a pretty free flowing conversation. Maybe as Davros says its just about practise having general conversations and building it up to more.

MY therapist suggested when talking to woman to have no outcome or end game other than to start a conversation & to look at it out of curiosity "Wonder how she'll react if I say this/wonder what she's doing her/i wonder this i wonder that" etc & to try and be as friendly as possible - treat them like you've known them for years. Maybe he's got a point.

A friend of mine I spoke to today also suggested 3 things today: I can't be that bad if bar 3 all the other women I've kissed have iniated it. His point being its very uncommon for woman to make a move on a guy! One of them was an amateur model, never mind a 10 she's a 15! Still never figured that one out.....His 2nd point was we're in a social circle of 15 guys 12 of whom have all been with someone for at least 3 years + if any of them split from their other they too would find it difficult given our age also. His final point was none of the woman in our social circle have ever commented on me bering ugly and barely mention my height; they all think I'm an ace guy (although ironically would probably never date me) - maybe a lot of this stuff is all in my head thats holding me back.

Overall I think it was my lack of success online dating which triggered this; sent 9 mesages no replies which I now know means nothing. Overall I think maybe its best I get on with my life and just enjoy it, pursue hobbies & try to improve as a person and at the same time try and get social and work on my issues with woman on the side. My therapist suggested I keep a diary where I note down all positives that have occured during a day and if negatives occur they should be reframed positively or at least have a lesson learned from them - especially when it cxomes to interactions; well I've definitly got 2 today

Thanks for all the replies - especially Davros. Yes, this was one hell of a long reply but I appreciate the 6 pages worth of responses & advice from everyone, never been on a forum this busy before!

Last edited by BrunoMars; 05-31-2013 at 08:38 PM..
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Old 05-31-2013, 08:33 PM
 
9,005 posts, read 13,756,895 times
Reputation: 9626
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrunoMars View Post
Contrary to belief.....I suppose its difficult to tell from this post, but this lack of success or currently being single doesn't even really bother me THAT much. At School I was buillied the whole way through, at University all i cared about was studying & I had to work a lot of hours at my part time job. Shortly after that my father passed away & I was a bit of a mess for about 3 years. Not making excuses, but overall looking back from the age of 12-18 through School being bulled, 18-25 studying/working and then 25-28 having personal problems I doubt I'd ever have had time or been capable of having a girl friend. It's only really been the last 3 years where I don't have any excuses, and really this year where I've began to think about it.

The only times it really bothers me is when (A) I get invited to a social event and I go alone and all my friends are there with theiir other halves & (B) When people ask me "So why are you sngle? Why dont you have a girl friend". There is also (C) & (D) - with all my friends in relationships/married/kids its not always possible to see them so sometimes I have nothing to do at a weekend but I can always amuse myself. The biggest fear is once I get into my 40's/50's - I'm pretty sure that will be pretty lonely.

I agree with some posters that I need to focus on enjoying life through other means & not be hell bent on fidnign someone. A happy content person is a good and attractive thing right?

I'm not an idiot - I know a partner isn't the be all of life. But at the same time - if I don't do something to improve my social skills & put myself out there nothing will change. I'm male so it means I have to make the actions, not like females who (typically) wait for men to come to them.

Ironically, no idea if it had anything to do with this post but I had 2 pretty good conversations with woman on the trian home today. One was just kind of small talk, some smiles and eye contact. When I swapped train i sat with another girl for about an hour and a half. i didn't speak to her the whole time but found out where she was going and why, her job, Uni back ground, stuff about her Mum & her name. She was only 21 and on her way to meet her boyfriend but I carried on talking; she asked me a lot of stuff about me also She seemed genuinly interested in talking to me and it was a pretty free flowing conversation. Maybe as Davros says its just about practise having general conversations and building it up to more.

MY therapist suggested when talking to woman to have no outcome or end game other than to start a conversation & to look at it out of curiosity "Wonder how she'll react if I say this/wonder what she's doing her/i wonder this i wonder that" etc & to try and be as friendly as possible - treat them like you've known them for years. Maybe he's got a point.

A friend of mine I spoke to today also suggested 3 things today: I can't be that bad if bar 3 all the other women I've kissed have iniated it. His point being its very uncommon for woman to make a move on a guy! One of them was an amateur model, never mind a 10 she's a 15! Still never figured that one out.....His 2nd point was we're in a social circle of 15 guys 12 of whom have all been with someone for at least 3 years + if any of them split from their other they too would find it difficult given our age also. His final point was none of the woman in our social circle have ever commented on me bering ugly and barely mention my height; they all think I'm an ace guy (although ironically would probably never date me) - maybe a lot of this stuff is all in my head thats holding me back.

Overall I think it was my lack of success online dating which triggered this; sent 9 mesages no replies which I now know means nothing. Overall I think maybe its best I get on with my life and just enjoy it, pursue hobbies & try to improve as a person and at the same time try and get social and work on my issues with woman on the side. My therapist suggested I keep a diary where I note down all positives that have occured during a day and if negatives occur they should be reframed positively or at least have a lesson learned from them - especially when it cxomes to interactions; well I've definitly got 2 today

Thanks for all the replies - especially Davros. Yes, this was one hell of a long reply but I appreciate the 6 pages worth of responses & advice from everyone, never been on a forum this bust before!

As I asked before,did you try approaching below average women?

If you didn't,maybe you are aiming too high.

The will really appreciate it,trust me. Besides,you 2 would have a lot in common
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Old 05-31-2013, 08:40 PM
 
175 posts, read 274,351 times
Reputation: 239
Depends on what you class as below average, I have at times yes. One girl I remember who 9/10 peiople (me included) would say was really ugly, but i totally loved her personality. Unfortunatly i came on too strong & tried to be too funny and cocky she eventually told me to get lost. Something to consider I guess.
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Old 05-31-2013, 08:43 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,055 posts, read 106,854,652 times
Reputation: 115795
Quote:
Originally Posted by jerseygal4u View Post
As I asked before,did you try approaching below average women?

If you didn't,maybe you are aiming too high.

The will really appreciate it,trust me. Besides,you 2 would have a lot in common
Yes, we don't know what kind of women you've tried to go for, before. What is your selection process; do you go for looks, or do you go for a kind personality, do you like quirky creative types, etc.

And yes, it's partly about practice, about having casual conversations with people without any expectations, just like you did on the public transit today. Keep practicing until it becomes 2nd nature.

You don't owe anyone an apology or explanation as to why you're "still" single. As you pointed out yourself, you've only recently become "available", anyway, after an intense school/work experience, followed by family issues. So you have no reason to beat yourself up, feel like a failure, or allow others to pass judgment. Just get on with your life, that's all. I don't know where you live, but in more liberal parts of the country it's quite common for people to be single at your age. It doesn't occur to anyone to ask why, because it's normal.

Good luck, OP. Cut yourself some slack, and also go out there and join some activity groups, meet-ups, whatever, so people can get to know you, and so you can have more practice socializing.
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Old 05-31-2013, 11:27 PM
 
273 posts, read 529,371 times
Reputation: 128
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrunoMars View Post
As the title suggests. 31, never had a girl friend, still a virgin.

My height (5"4) and looks probably go against me but I wouldn't say I'm completely ugly - say below average. If personality/confidence is the most important trait its maybe fair to say I'm lacking in self confidence/self-esteem but I'm not a nervous bumbling idiot. Everyone who knows me says I'm not shy and fairly outgoing. It's difficult to be super confident when you have a past with no success. I signed up for online dating yesterday - got friends to vet my profile etc.......messaged 9 women so far, 7 haven't replied.....26 have viewed my profile......nothing.

I definitly can't do anything about my height, nor much about my looks if thats the problem so I've always figured its my confidence and personality I need to work on. I'm even seeing a therapist who practises CBT to try and change any negative thinking or limiting beliefs I have. I've read up on trying to be playful/funny/cheeky/flirting etc as well.

By my counting I've asked out/fancied 38 women in my life time......they've all said no. I've only ever successfully initiated a kiss with 3 women ever, the other times its always been the women.

Millions of men meet up/hook up with women every single day - I have a friend whos slept with over 40 women, another whos had about 12 girl friends...but me, 31 and nothing? Why am I so different? I really don't believe I'm that un-desirable.....but I'm beginning to wonder. There are some tings in life people will never do - be a professional sports player, get that job they wanted, have kids......is it also true to say that plenty of people will just live live forever single? Do a google search and you'll find plenty of stuff on men in their 50's & 60's totally single.

Its crazy how uncommon this is to the point its almost laughable. Should I just give up & accept it? Anyone got any ideas or experience with/met anyone similar who's turned this around?
You are SHORT, really SHORT. You have absolutely no chance at finding a decent looking woman so give it up already. Go after the fat women who not many people go after, or go after the ugly women. No good looking woman would ever give you a chance, sorry this might sound harsh but this is the truth.

Don't listen to what the women here say, most of them are married or settled and just give you BS advise to make you feel better, it isn't the truth however.
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Old 06-01-2013, 07:00 AM
 
175 posts, read 274,351 times
Reputation: 239
Quote:
Originally Posted by theunseenguest View Post
You are SHORT, really SHORT. You have absolutely no chance at finding a decent looking woman so give it up already. Go after the fat women who not many people go after, or go after the ugly women. No good looking woman would ever give you a chance, sorry this might sound harsh but this is the truth.

Don't listen to what the women here say, most of them are married or settled and just give you BS advise to make you feel better, it isn't the truth however.
That's complete baloney - so your able to read the mind if every good looking woman on this planet? No attractive woman has ever gone out with a non celebrity short guy?

As I said above I made out with a 10 + model (sorry, SHE made out with me), and my friend who's only a couple inches taller than me used to mix his girls up because he was having that much sex in Uni. I agree my height puts me at a disadvantage but to talk in absolutes is absurd. Besides - I'm not necessarily looking for an "attractive" woman.
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Old 06-01-2013, 07:33 AM
 
Location: Midwest
706 posts, read 1,201,079 times
Reputation: 880
If your looking in bars the women there I feel will be more judgmental. Look into volunteering food pantries, park districts, museums, zoo anywhere you can meet GOOD hearted people and maybe some single women. Or a bunch of older folks. 31 is not that old for a guy at least. Good luck.
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