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Old 06-03-2013, 12:11 PM
 
9 posts, read 21,345 times
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I will try to give as much details as possible to get more insight from people on these boards, all while maintaining respect for this girl, because she is quite special to me... but this situation is frustrating and I need advice.

I am twenty-five and have been dating this girl for six months. She is still in college and when I met her she had the reputation of being quite hard to get. She had dated dozens of guys for extremely short periods of time and was known for making out with a different guy every weekend at the bars downtown. I took it on me to tame her and it has lead me down a very odd path. From the get-go she warned me that she had never legitimately liked a guy she had dated and got into relationships without thinking about it, only to break each guys heart within the first three months. I didn't flinch at her warnings though, continuing to stay confident and unfazed.

Things started great, even though she was very reserved at first and it took her a while to open up. She refused to put a label on what we were but that didn't bother me because we seemed to spend every waking moment together. We would go out, we would stay in, I pretty much lived at her apartment, and I became friends with all of her friends. Despite staying at her house, however, we didn't have sex for the first few months because I wanted to show her that she meant more to me than just the physical attraction I had for her.

When we did start having sex she was very passionate and affectionate the first few weeks to month.. however I have started noticing things that are very troubling to me. For the first few weeks of dating, we made out often however now that we have grown close we don't kiss hardly at all. I must not have noticed originally because we started only having sex in the dark, but she never opens her eyes during sex and the frequency of these physical encounters has fallen from almost every night to once every few weeks. I attempted oral sex a few times but she pulls me up and tells me she is not yet comfortable with me like that. When we do have sex we kiss but nothing open mouth, which we use to do at the onset of the relationship.

About a month ago I brought up the fact that she has made out with dozens of guys in the past years but won't hardly kiss the guy she has been with the longest in her life. She said that actually dating someone is more intimate and that is where her problems come from. I have started noticing little things and how little she initiates any physical contact at all whatsoever. She still wants to spend a lot of time together but there is no intimacy, and it really bothers me. I asked if she even wants to continue dating to which she stated that she is starting to think that what we had actually meant something, and she did, but physical intimacy is just very hard for her.

Let me preface this paragraph by stating that she is a very athletic girl. She is a huge sports fan, and quite a bit of a tomboy in many ways... growing up on a farm. She lives in a very rural area where alternative lifestyles would be frowned upon. She has made several comments while drunk about how beautiful a few of her girl friends friends are, and stated a desire to make out with them if nobody was looking. I'm not sure if she was just being silly or this is a suppressed desire of hers. I've also began noticing little comments that I thought were a bit off that she has stated all along about beautiful women... but she also says things about men as well.

She has other oddities about her as well. For example, she has this irrational fear/anxiety of living within the city limits or in towns. She grew up until she was 10 in town but moved out to the country and fell in love with urban living. She seems miserable having to live in an apartment in town while she finishes school. Furthermore, she has stated that for her it takes feelings to develop 1000 times slower than normal people and the last time she legitimately let a guy in was when she was 16 years old. I don't ever pry when she makes these statements because I can tell it bothers her very much to be open about her past or her feelings.

She is a sweetheart and really interesting person to spend time with. She cooks for me and is always very respectful and grateful for the things I do for her. She latches on me when she sleeps like she never wants to let go... but why not make out? not when she is drunk. not when she is sober. never. why not open eyes while having sex? why the subtle comments about girls?

I don't know if I should approach her or what I should say to her that would even be appropriate. I feel like I bring things up once every month or so and she just apologizes and says she sucks at dating. I don't want to hurt her feelings or make her reveal things she isn't ready to reveal... but this is the most bizarre relationship I have ever been in and I don't know how long my patience should/will last. Any insight would be appreciated.
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Old 06-04-2013, 09:41 AM
 
9 posts, read 21,345 times
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Old 06-04-2013, 09:49 AM
 
4,217 posts, read 7,275,346 times
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I think I am similar in a lot of ways to your girlfriend. I tend to become less affectionate and downright cold in relationships after about the 6 month mark. It is definitely a contributing factor to why I've had more than my fair share of short relationships that fizzled out. Sometimes I stay with the guy because I still have feelings, but it eventually runs its course. I do enjoy sex-so that still goes on-its the touching, kissing, affectionate stuff that I don't really enjoy.

I can also say I suck at dating. I just don't quite know how to be present and affectionate.
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Old 06-04-2013, 09:57 AM
 
14,376 posts, read 18,261,753 times
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There aren't many straight women who are more tomboyish than me (my gay and straight friends joke that I'm a fake lesbian), and trust me the sports and all that don't have anything to do with her sexuality. The fact that she has expressed a desire to make out with her female friends is what makes it possible she is a lesbian or bi. But there's no way of telling. I will say that despite the fact that I am really into a lot of things that are typically "guy stuff" and am not exactly the most feminine woman, I really can honestly say I've never had a desire to make out with my female friends.

She could also just have a very low sex drive. Or she may be very sexually repressed due to family background. There could be abuse back there too.

She sounds like she has a lot of anxiety and discomfort with who she is, either way. Suggest therapy due to her current dissatisfaction with things, be open about your feelings (but don't "accuse" her of being an abuse victim or a closeted lesbian). But if I were you, I'd be weighing the balance between how much happiness this person brought into my life and how much in the way of feelings of rejection and confusion. She sounds like she has some issues to work through. Be careful that you do not become her enabler, which would not be good for either of you.
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Old 06-04-2013, 10:25 AM
 
9 posts, read 21,345 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by findly185 View Post
I think I am similar in a lot of ways to your girlfriend. I tend to become less affectionate and downright cold in relationships after about the 6 month mark. It is definitely a contributing factor to why I've had more than my fair share of short relationships that fizzled out. Sometimes I stay with the guy because I still have feelings, but it eventually runs its course. I do enjoy sex-so that still goes on-its the touching, kissing, affectionate stuff that I don't really enjoy.

I can also say I suck at dating. I just don't quite know how to be present and affectionate.
So I suppose there might not be a reason for her acting this way? It just might be her nature?
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Old 06-04-2013, 10:31 AM
 
4,217 posts, read 7,275,346 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by survivor425 View Post
So I suppose there might not be a reason for her acting this way? It just might be her nature?
It's quite possible. The only way to know for sure is to stop guessing and just ask.

I am very self-aware and open to discussing my behaviors.
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Old 06-04-2013, 10:37 AM
 
22,284 posts, read 21,583,228 times
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I guess your plan to "tame her" isn't going as expected.

Maybe next time you should try to form a relationship with someone you actually have something in common with and have real feelings for.

You need to let this woman go, she will never be who you are trying to turn her into.
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Old 06-04-2013, 10:38 AM
 
1,226 posts, read 1,442,823 times
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I am opposite your girl I don't have intimacy at all when dating but once I got a ring on it. It's on. It made me realize I'm the same as her in that my eyes are mostly close too during sexy time.

The only thing I find weird is why the kissing stopped. I actually prefer it and cuddling than actual sex.
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Old 06-04-2013, 10:42 AM
 
9 posts, read 21,345 times
Reputation: 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
I guess your plan to "tame her" isn't going as expected.

Maybe next time you should try to form a relationship with someone you actually have something in common with and have real feelings for.

You need to let this woman go, she will never be who you are trying to turn her into.
I always thought it was silly that she had the reputation because with me she was always so soft spoken and even eloquent at times. I did start chasing her for the thrill of the chase, but I actually got to know her and liked what I saw. At this point I care about her a tremendous amount and just have this instinct to take care of her. This is a feeling that deep down I know could develop into something quite substantial and that is why I am so bothered by her lack of intimacy.

Last edited by survivor425; 06-04-2013 at 10:58 AM..
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Old 06-04-2013, 10:57 AM
 
Location: Durham, NC
1,615 posts, read 1,951,240 times
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Eyes closed during sex means very little. I do that with everyone pretty much. I just hate making eye contact. I have very high social anxiety. But if we get really into it emotionally then sometimes I'll be able to do some eyeball-eyeballing. A lot of people close their eyes during sex.

As for kissing, that could be something. I definitely love kissing. The only thing that could cause me to avoid kissing is if my partner is very bad at it and shows no signs of improvement.
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