Long Story. Please help :)

[CSD610]

The moment you find out he is a drug addict AND feel the need to lie to him is the moment you walk away and do not look back.

[nighthouse66]

Originally Posted by over_thinker24

HIII. I have been with my boyfriend a year and a half. This is a long story and I don't exactly know what I am looking for either to be honest.
I guess I should start at the beginning. We met December of 2011 and everything was perfect. He is my first love and my first actual relationship. He was also the first guy who ever seemed completely head of heels for me and the feeling was mutual. Well, things were so great for a few months. I know it sounds cliche but it was like a fairy tale.
Like 4 or 5 months into the relationship we started arguing over stuff but that's normal, I guess. He was really persistant about my past and I did lie to him some about it, which I still feel really guilty about. I am 23 and and have been with 5 guys before my boyfriend. I came clean about it all and he flipped out and for awhile whenever he would get mad he would call me a **** and DEMAND to know why I had made the decisions I had made. I never did much to begin with, it would only be a couple times with each guy and I knew they were mistakes. I tried to explain to him, I was young and dumb and didn't know why I did it. He would always say that was just an excuse.
He has since apologized for calling names like he did. It's not that I am still mad but I think part of thinks he finds my past more important than me and it bothers me. If I ask him he says it is not but he thinks it is his right to know my past. Which he probably does, I am not arguing. It just kind of bothers me that it seems more important than me.
Well, around 6 or 7 months into the relationship he kinda seemed to start distancing himself. It wasn't all over night but just kept getting worse. I have always had a problem with over-thinking and this has only made it worse. He stopped looking at me like he used to, and wanting to have sex, or give me attention the way he had before. Now, don't get me wrong things weren't terrible. They just weren't like they had been before. It turns out, I'm blind and stupid because he had been doing drugs for months. I feel bad I never knew. He is now in rehab and trying to stay clean. I am proud of him and supporting him 100%.
He says that's why he was acting so distant for so long. He still seems different to me though. It is hard to explain. I feel like I am going crazy. I have never been like this before and I hate who I have become. I constantly think and worry about our relationship and overthink EVERYTHING. I mean some of it is funny when I think about it later, but it isn't at the same time because I am scared I have a problem. If he likes a certain romantic song, I think, " well, he never acts that way towards me anymore, so I wonder who he is thinking about". Yes, that is funny and just ridiculous. It's what I do though and I feel absolutely crazy. I can't stop it even though I do try.
He says he loves me just as much if not more because I have stayed by him but honestly, I can't tell. Maybe I'm too busy just being negative to see the signs. I wish I wasn't this way because I love him more than anything in the world. I hate this weak pathetic feeling though. I hate talkiing to him about it all too just because of how crazy I sound when the words come out of my mouth. Sometimes I wish we could go back to just being friends because I can't concentrate on work or school. All day at work and school all I do is worry and get depressed. I have never been a depressed person either. Usually I'm bubbly, happy and energetic. For the past year, I have changed though and everyone can see it.
I can understand why he would fall out of love with me. I am an entirely different person. I honestly do not know what to do. I have tried to be patient and see if it will all pass but it seems to get no better. The more I try to quit the worse it gets. I guess I'm just looking for some advice or input on how to quit overthinking so much. I want to be with him and he says he wants to get married but honestly I can't see us getting married if I am like this.
I know this is a lot to read but I am worried about myself as well as this relationship. Sometimes I just want to give up...There's even more I could say. I will leave it at this though. Am I just clinging to the beginning too much??

what i am finding so interesting about this post is how there are obvious warning signs coming from this guy, but you are absorbing them and thinking that it is something wrong with YOU.

think about it. the guy harasses you about your past, all the while keeping a HUGE secret from you and betraying you constantly with a DRUG. NEVER. TRUST. A. JUNKIE. repeat this. NEVER.

what you are feeling is a very normal reaction that most young women would have, and what you have to understand is you WILL come to a point in your life where you will be able to see these guys coming and tell the good ones from the bad ones. you will look back on this relationship and realize that you, like all women who aren't married off like cattle at the age of 15, fell for a guy who was no good for you, and probably no good for anyone else. and she learned from it. she didn't throw her pearls at swine and wondered where all her pearls went and why she's covered in mud. you will move on and be wiser for it. that's what women do.

women develop both mentally and emotionally much faster than men. if i had a daughter, i would tell her- don't get married before you are 30. and preferably, get married to an older man. because he is gonna have worked out alot of his demons, hopefully.

not all young men are useless, not by a long shot. but young women who want to be in love are generally going to attract a young man who want something a little lower down than the heart. this is a general statement, and i have met many great men who were still very young, but they were rare. and even those guys took a few years of aging to reach a solid point in their emotional makeup.

when you throw drugs into the picture, you are also dealing with a delayed adolescence. its a refusal to grow up and take responsibility. not a good trait to have in a boy.

all my instincts tell me this guy is better left in the shade. you are working and going to school. if he is interfering with that in any tangential way, be it emotional or otherwise, stop it RIGHT NOW. you have a future. preserve it. don't throw it away on your heart.

i am always reminded of something anais nin said about the heart, how it was a dumb thing, trapped in your chest, and didn't know any better. its better to use your head first, and when your head is ok, then let your heart speak up and listen to it. but if it is in conflict with good common sense, then you know its just that ordinary need for human love and companionship that is leading you astray. your future is too bright to waste on swinery. seriously. go meet a guy in school with the same goals and who wants to build a future with you and on his own as well. and good luck in whatever you do. i have a feeling you will be just fine.