Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Hi everybody. I've been off the board for a few days and wanted to give an update but my thread got locked and I couldn't add to it so I'm starting one here again. I hope that's OK.
Anyway, At least John is talking to me. We've had three conversations and I think I really see how he feels.
I told him that I wanted to wait because I wanted a long term relationship and that he is in fact special. I also told him that Sal was not special at all – pretty much a douche actually.
So John’s feelings are this. Hesays that guys want to feel that they are special and that they are sexually attractive to their girlfriends. That means they want to believe that they were irresistibleto their girl and that she jumped his bones right away. Also, they want to believe that previous boyfriends were resistible and that it took a long time for them to “get her.” John found out that with us it was exactly the opposite. Sal got there right away and John “was made to wait.”
He didn’t like waiting but did so because he figured that’s how I amalways. So as he put it, it was like a kick to the ***** when he found out about Sal. John then added that he was told I had done some “other stuff” with Sal. I didn’t give him an answer so John figured I have. He then asked why I haven’t done that with him even though he had suggested it a few times. Again, I tried the “special” argument but he wasn’t really buying.
When we met up yesterday he got kind of chocked up and said he wrote me some thoughts. I’m not going to get all blubbery here but here is one comment. “If I date someone, it’s because I’m attracted to the image she portrays. Once I start seeing her, she has to match that image. I don’t care what she tells me today. What she’s done and who she’s been in the past is a pretty good indicator of who she is today and will be tomorrow.”
So he feels like he’s been played or duped. He’s also lost face to Sal and unfortunately Sal (and his equally lame buddies) is an idiot we periodically run into.
John really is a good man. To all the posters who slammed him and told me to dump him I say I do not want to dump him. He’s probably the most solid respectful guy I’ve met and I should have treated him better. I just don’t know how to move forward.
So John’s feelings are this. Hesays that guys want to feel that they are special and that they are sexually attractive to their girlfriends. That means they want to believe that they were irresistibleto their girl and that she jumped his bones right away. Also, they want to believe that previous boyfriends were resistible and that it took a long time for them to “get her.” John found out that with us it was exactly the opposite. Sal got there right away and John “was made to wait.”
John really is a good man. To all the posters who slammed him and told me to dump him I say I do not want to dump him. He’s probably the most solid respectful guy I’ve met and I should have treated him better. I just don’t know how to move forward.
Yes, I agree with you. I think John sounds like a really good man too. Obviously, John's feelings need to be validated in order to move forward. He told you the truth and it looks like you respect him as a man and appreciate him as a boyfriend. It is always a good sign.
I guess if John didn't love or care about you, he wouldn't have felt upset or hurt. It is so easy to play the "he's just insecure" card, but deep down, we know we all have our insecurities and vulnerabilities. We all want our loved ones to care about us. We all want to be "special" to the person we care about.
I guess communication is the key. At the end of the day, you two need to sit each other down and have a heart to heart talk.
My boyfriend is also a very conservative, old fashioned good man. He is a total gentleman. Well, he doesn't flirt and he is not going to tolerate flirt or game playing. Honestly speaking, he makes me feel very safe in this relationship because he always protects my feelings from getting hurt. I bet your John is like this too. You got a good man there, please don't lose him. Good men are hard to find. We all know who is the long term husband material, who is not.
I guess John's problem right now is that he doesn't feel "special." There are perhaps some misunderstanding between the two of you. You sound like you really love him, I think in time, he will realize that too.
Good luck to you. I wish you and him all the best.
Learn from it and move on. It's all you can do.
Stop letting the douches be your king.
And stop treating the prince like dirt.
It happens all the time, but I really will never understand why people do what you did, but I guess when one has so many options, it is easy to get caught up in the 'fun of things'.
Try to remember the way John feels for the next time that a guy comes across and treats you well.
Treat him well in return.
Hi Lillyflower. Thanks so much for your comforting words. I do want John to feel special and right now he's not feeling special.
He's hung up on Sal "getting it right away" and having "done more" with me than he did. Would it be a good idea to answer John's questions about the "other stuff" Sal and I did? Since he brought that up I'm guessing he heard it and didn't just make it up.
If I understand correctly you have been going out a year?
You have chosen one set of actions within your current relationship. Either your boyfriend decides to accept it, or he moves on. His feelings about the Sal situation are ultimately his to deal with.
I say this as a more general philosophy related to my life, and not necessarily about romantic relationships. I won't get into prolonged discussions about what I have done in the past, it really does little good. I don't think you owe endless explanations to your boyfriend., At some point very soon it is time to move on from this. If not I think it doesn't bode well for a happy relationship.
He's hung up on Sal "getting it right away" and having "done more" with me than he did. Would it be a good idea to answer John's questions about the "other stuff" Sal and I did? Since he brought that up I'm guessing he heard it and didn't just make it up.
No you don't need to tell him the other stuff you two did.
No you don't need to tell him the other stuff you two did.
Agree. However, it would probably help to do the same kinds of things with John (if and when you do become sexual) as you've done with others (and which he may have heard about), else he'll feel slighted yet again. Maybe not immediately, but soon, if he's also into those things.
I want to answer Taoist and zentropa. John and I are sexual. It's that I made him wait four months and he found out that I had sex with the guy before him on the first date. Also, he's been told that I did stuff with Sal my ex that I haven't with John
Hi Lillyflower. Thanks so much for your comforting words. I do want John to feel special and right now he's not feeling special.
He's hung up on Sal "getting it right away" and having "done more" with me than he did. Would it be a good idea to answer John's questions about the "other stuff" Sal and I did? Since he brought that up I'm guessing he heard it and didn't just make it up.
I can understand John entirely and if I was him I would move on and find someone who thought I was highly attractive. Doesn't sound like you do, deep down. Love schmove, he doesn't get your heart racing and your hormones pumping. Your words will never overshadow your actions.
Want to convince him he's special? Do the "Stuff" with him you did with Sal, plus some "stuff" for him you've never done with anyone or imagined you would. Anything else is just talk.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
