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Old 06-09-2013, 02:49 PM
 
38 posts, read 69,625 times
Reputation: 20

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My best friend told me that she saw my boyfriends profile on a dating website still up and still listed as single. She took the chance to also tell me that she noticed that he logged on every day. One of the times it looks likei was even there when he checked it. It has to be on his phone if that's the case.

Anyway, I deactivated my profile about 2 months in, but we never discussed deleting them. I did start dating him from meeting on this site, but we knew eachother in real life beforehand as acquaintances for about 4 years. I do feel really crappy about him still having a profile and logging in an looking at other girls profiles all the time. It makes me feel like I'm just Ms. right now and that I'm just here until the next best thing comes along. He has called me his girlfriend, starting about 2 months ago and other than this, everything has been absolutely perfect. I never had any reason not to trust him until my friend came out and told me this.

I was pretty upset when I found this out yesterday and I reactivated my profile and sent him a message from it to confront him about it and told him we need to talk about his still being active on the site. We are meeting up to talk in about 3 hours. He has since deleted his profile.

I have searched online and found people with similar problems. Guys arguments include that they like the confirmation that they're still attractive, they are insecure, that they do it just to browse and mean no harm.

My feeling is that it shows that maybe I don't mean so much to him and am not as important to him as he is to me. I recently went out of country for 3 weeks an now I feel like what if he met up with someone while I was gone? My trust is at stake and I don't know if any argument is worth forgiving or if the relationship is worth keeping. He does treat me great and I was completely happy, but I don't know what to think about this or to give him the benefit of the doubt.
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Old 06-09-2013, 02:54 PM
 
12,533 posts, read 14,577,836 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VertRougeBleu View Post
It makes me feel like I'm just Ms. right now and that I'm just here until the next best thing comes along.

...

My feeling is that it shows that maybe I don't mean so much to him and am not as important to him as he is to me.
I think you've answered your own question.

If he was into you, he would have deleted his profile as you deleted yours. He was either cheating, planning to cheat, or, as you say, keeping you around until he found "something better."

If I were you, I would look on a few other dating sites, not just the one where you found him. Most people who do online dating have profiles on more than one site. It's a pretty good bet he still has other profiles elsewhere.
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Old 06-09-2013, 02:55 PM
 
Location: Pa
42,757 posts, read 50,738,241 times
Reputation: 25334
Dump the bum.
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Old 06-09-2013, 03:20 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
98,919 posts, read 97,487,251 times
Reputation: 110422
Quote:
Originally Posted by VertRougeBleu View Post
Guys arguments include that they like the confirmation that they're still attractive, they are insecure, that they do it just to browse and mean no harm.
These are pathetic rationalizations. The response to this would be that if they're that insecure and need validation from strangers, they're not relationship material, bye-bye.
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Old 06-09-2013, 03:37 PM
 
Location: Viña del Mar, Chile
16,407 posts, read 29,709,603 times
Reputation: 16617
I keep a profile up, I just don't usually respond to messages or anything. It's always fun for me to look at profiles of people though.
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Old 06-09-2013, 03:42 PM
 
38 posts, read 69,625 times
Reputation: 20
Yea, I see what y'all mean. But I really do have a hard time believing that he's this scumbag, he's just so harmless and polite in every other way.

Burgler - are you in a relationship while doing this? And if not, would you stop if you were in a serious one? Do you see how it might make your SO upset/not trust you?

If his case is like burgler's, how do I know he's telling the truth/how would I regain trust?
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Old 06-09-2013, 03:48 PM
 
Location: Viña del Mar, Chile
16,407 posts, read 29,709,603 times
Reputation: 16617
Quote:
Originally Posted by VertRougeBleu View Post
Yea, I see what y'all mean. But I really do have a hard time believing that he's this scumbag, he's just so harmless and polite in every other way.

Burgler - are you in a relationship while doing this? And if not, would you stop if you were in a serious one? Do you see how it might make your SO upset/not trust you?

If his case is like burgler's, how do I know he's telling the truth/how would I regain trust?

I'm in a relationship right now, and yeah I could see how that would happen. End of the day though, I'm a straight forward and direct guy.. most women don't have to worry about what I'm doing... unless I'm breaking into their house.

If he seems like a good guy, maybe he is telling the truth? You can't lump all guys into being scum of the world because they do something differently than you might see. At the same time, you have to make sure you're not getting screwed over. Go with what your gut tells you and what seems right.. that's more than likely your best choice.
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Old 06-09-2013, 03:55 PM
 
35,097 posts, read 48,587,558 times
Reputation: 62572
Quote:
Originally Posted by VertRougeBleu View Post
Yea, I see what y'all mean. But I really do have a hard time believing that he's this scumbag, he's just so harmless and polite in every other way.

Burgler - are you in a relationship while doing this? And if not, would you stop if you were in a serious one? Do you see how it might make your SO upset/not trust you?

If his case is like burgler's, how do I know he's telling the truth/how would I regain trust?

Personally I think he should be the one who is upset. Your friend decided it was a good idea to tell you something that really is none of her business. So, instead of picking up the phone and making a call to meet him and ask him about it you chose to reactivate your profile to "confront" him. Then you immediately "don't trust him" because of what a friend said without even talking to him about it first.

Are you engaged? Are you married? Just because YOU decided YOU are exclusive does not mean HE IS unless HE has specifically said "we are exclusive". You should break up with him since you immediately believe your friends before you even talk to him or SEE proof he has possibly cheated on you.

If I were him I would break up with you.
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Old 06-09-2013, 04:03 PM
 
36,082 posts, read 42,554,984 times
Reputation: 53367
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110 View Post
I think you've answered your own question.

If he was into you, he would have deleted his profile as you deleted yours. He was either cheating, planning to cheat, or, as you say, keeping you around until he found "something better."

If I were you, I would look on a few other dating sites, not just the one where you found him. Most people who do online dating have profiles on more than one site. It's a pretty good bet he still has other profiles elsewhere.
This.
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Old 06-09-2013, 04:07 PM
 
38 posts, read 69,625 times
Reputation: 20
I don't trust him because he actually did have it up - and yes I believed my best friend of 10 years because she looks out for me since I've been burned before. I don't think he's cheated, but I do know his profile was active. She showed me herself, there's not a doubt about him having one. So I don't trust him because of a fact with proof - still he should be upset? And if I had been the one who stumbled upon it instead? Don't believe my own eyes? Doesn't change the fact that it was there.

I do appreciate the perspective shift though, I agree that I didn't handle it in the best way. So the difference between saying you're my girlfriend and we're exclusive is what, exactly?
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