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Originally Posted by xsthomas Im over 40 and looking. But its kind of like buying a used car. You dont know the history, how many people have driven it, and there are probably hidden problems you will find out later after you have invested waaay too much.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane
If you go in thinking people are like used cars, I doubt you'll have much success. People find it so flattering to be seen as used goods.
Yep.
Would you hire someone for a high-level position if they had no experience or training, and had never had a job before?
Would you want a friend who had no other friends, and never had?
Experience counts for a lot, in a relationship and in bed. I know it's scary, to think that she may know enough to realise what you do not know. But being a man means facing your fears, not running from them.
Also, if you 'do not know the history', you fail at dating. Part of the point is to get to know each other -- that includes getting to know each other's history. And if you cannot trust her word, go home. She's not the right one for you, or you are no the right one for her.
A friend of mine is about to finalize her divorce. When she got married, she was in her late 20s. Now she's in her 40s. She never had kids, has a stable career, and is parting with her husband on good terms. While she's in no rush to start dating again, she knows that she'll eventually want to be in a relationship again. She asked me what to expect as far dating goes. Being a never-married male in his 30s, I told her I probably wasn't the best person to answer her question. But here's some of what I offered.
You'll meet more men who've been married before, many of whom have kids.
A lot of the men will no longer be in the best shape.
Many will be jaded about relationships.
Many will not be interested in you because you're over 40.
A lot of younger men might pursue you wanting to live out their cougar fantasies.
Basically, most of what I could come up with was negative, but I'd rather not paint such a discouraging picture. I was trying to find some positive things to say, but it was hard. Sure, a lot of men will like that she doesn't have kids. And she's still fairly attractive, though I'm sure some men will consider her a bit overweight. They'll also like that she's financially stable and that she doesn't come across as angry or bitter about her divorce.
So help me out here. For the folks over 40, particularly the women, what would you say to my friend about the realities of dating after 40?
Maybe she will want to live her cougar fantasies...you never know!
Also, if you 'do not know the history', you fail at dating. Part of the point is to get to know each other -- that includes getting to know each other's history. And if you cannot trust her word, go home. She's not the right one for you, or you are no the right one for her.
Beware of people who have nothing good to say about ex's. That says a lot about the person, not only that they choose badly, but also that they don't recognize their own shortcomings.
As a man, I found it very freeing. My youthful lack of self-confidence in the face of the befuddling "dating game" disappeared, because "we" (both sexes) had so much more life experience to learn from. We had a much better idea of what we wanted in a partner and the good and bad trade offs we had made before. The process of dating was more down to earth, but not less romantic, intimate or sexual.
I know this hard for younger people to believe.
This is so true and I agree with this and what ellie said about being wiser and more comfortable in your own skin. For me, I became aware of this occurring in my early 30s and it's definitely more pronounced at 41. I am very clear on who I am, what I want out of life and who I want in my life. And it's my life experiences over the past 2 decades, heck, in the past 3 years, that got me to this point. It's very freeing and I don't miss my 20s and wouldn't want to go back. It was a progression, a rite of passage, but I'm a million times happier at this age than earlier in life.
Beware of people who have nothing good to say about ex's. That says a lot about the person, not only that they choose badly, but also that they don't recognize their own shortcomings.
So true. I once briefly dated someone who was constantly putting down nearly everyone in her past; not just exes but everyone. In the back of my mind I thought, "Hmm, what if she does this to me after we break up?" She was young and hot and the sex was great, though, so I stupidly ignored that thought. Guess who she was putting down to anyone who would listen a few weeks later? Yep.
Women in their 40s generally have their own money and don't care about yours. If they are rejecting you, that's not why. Sorry to break it to you.
I was just assuming as I've seen it happen to other people. I've been merely an amused spectator for many years as I'm shy and ashamed and don't even approach women in the first place - wouldn't even know where to meet them (bars/clubs seem way too shallow and make me cringe). I have zero confidence and understand there's no point in even trying if you have no confidence. I find not trying is a great way to avoid being rejected.
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