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Old 06-14-2013, 11:42 AM
 
7 posts, read 10,960 times
Reputation: 10

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I come here in desperate need of help and advice. First, a little bit of history about us, which I think it is very important for our situation.

I must mention that Iím 35 and my wife is 26. We met on internet, on Dc++, in 2005. She is Brazilian, and Iím Romanian. We used to talk a lot, and soon we became great friends. She used to tell me everything happened to her and I told her as well all that was going on in my life. Soon, I fell in love with her, totally and unconditioned. It took me almost 3 years to convince her to give me a chance to meet her. She was a bit of a troubled girl, she didnít believed in love and she used to call it a ''weakness''. She also came from a troubled family, with her mom an alcoholic and her father ignoring everybody and making huge scandals. Her parents used to fight alot, and her mother used to beat her with a belt.
When I finally convinced her to meet me, at the end of 2007, she came to Romania. First, we lived some time with my mother which had a big house, until we decided to move and rent an apartment. We also married after 1 year, for her to be allowed to stay in here without problems. We were very happy together, and we felt this the first second we met, and we were a perfect match as a couple. We both liked to play games, we had no serious fights or problems, and we couldnít get enough of each other. We never spent more than 1 day apart.

We stayed 2 years in that apartment, but in 2011 we decided to move to Brazil. She didnít want to move back there but I dint knew that at time. I only knew she liked to live in Romania. She never told me she didnít want to move back there. Count in here her problems with her mother and father and her worries about getting back in here.
Anyway, we moved there mainly due to money issues, which I guess made her not to tell me about her worries of moving in there. I quit my job and didnít find a new one, and she had troubles finding a job in Romania.

We lived in Brazil for one year, time in which she started working at her mother's clinic. I didnít had a working card so I couldnít work, and that troubled me alot. We lived in her father's house. Her father and mother separated some time ago, but they are practically neighbors now, their houses in very close proximity. Her mother's clinic is also there, so she only had to walk like 30 meters to go to work. We always had troubles with money after leaving Romania, but that was never a big issue. We had each other and we were happy with it.

The thing started this year, when I had to go back to Romania in April. My grandmother was given a wrong diagnostic, and I thought she will die. Was a false alarm, but I had to stay there for 2 months. Time in which I talked with my wife on Skype everyday. She started to tell me she is very stressed at work, and she would cry often in there due to the amount of workload. We both missed eachother alot, and we couldnít wait to be together again. She told me she used to feel very bad, and this was amplified by me not being there with her. I was worried about this, very worried, and I had plans of getting that Working permit faster so I would work instead of her.

In May I went back to Brazil and she was very happy to see me. We both cried at the airport and I felt so happy to be there again. We were so happy to be together again. We planned to go in a vacation soon after I went back, and my wife even made reservations in advance. She wanted to take 1 month of paid vacation for us to have some more time with eachother.
(We also had a problem with sex, she wasnít too much into it, and I accepted that, I was happy with her and we have done random stuff that she enjoyed, but never felt like sex was too important for our marriage)

Things went bad 3 days after my arrival there. We were watching TV and she started crying. I had a bad feeling and asked her about it. Soon, she told me she doesnít love me as a man anymore, but as a friend, and she only realized this after I went to Romania. She started to feel this a bit while in the past (in 2012 actually), but she thought it will go away, she was happy and she didnít told me anything about it.

But this got worse once we moved to Brazil. I have to say again that I didnít knew she doesnít want to move to Brazil. After she told me she wants to separate, I stayed one more week in there in Brazil, trying to convince her to go to a marriage counselor, or to let me make her love me again as a man. I couldnít convince her. I have to mention she is very stubborn, and she never wanted to talk alot about this, just that she knows there is no fix for it and separation is the only solution. She wanted us to remain friends. Also, she doesnít talk these things with her mother or father (they donít talk emotional stuff in her family) so we didnít had any advices, any help from the outside.

I love my wife so much that I feel that my life will end. I cannot breath without her, I need her like I need air. And it just kills inside me to see all our plans, all our dreams going to dust. We both always said that we will grow old together, and there was nothing to change that. So, I went back to Romania with a broken heart, hurt, confused, and with a love for her that canít be even described. I am totally unhappy here, and I canít enjoy anything. I cringe for her every second and every second spent in here is a nightmare, away from her. I am in desperate need of some advice, as I want to get her back or at least to be given an opportunity to make her change her mind. Soon after I left she told me she misses me a bunch and she hurts alot. I feel that all those troubles with her having to work for both of use back in Brazil, with a bunch of stress getting a hold of her, of us not having money and especially not having time to spend with eachother and with her coming tired from work and not wanting to go out due to it

Now I am in Romania by a few days, and we donít talk to eachother. She said she wants some time of hibernation and she wonít be on Facebook or Skype for sometime. I hope I will find some advice, some help in here, since I already started to get awfully depressed. I canít sleep anymore, I wake up 10 time per night and start to think of her. I also have a hate relation with this country, which only made things worse for me. I have a thought to convince her somehow to come here at me, maybe things will change in here since she didnít wanted to leave from here anyway.

I may have been a little chaotic in my thoughts so excuse me for that but I need so much help.

Last edited by Andrew77; 06-14-2013 at 11:42 AM.. Reason: Title
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Old 06-14-2013, 11:44 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,269 posts, read 88,570,147 times
Reputation: 39866
She comes from a troubled family, one with alcoholism issues.

The odds are stacked against you having a healthy successful relationship unless or until she accepts that this has greatly impacted her, that she needs some professional help and then seeks it.

Please encourage her in that direction.
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Old 06-14-2013, 11:48 AM
 
Location: Toronto
2,161 posts, read 2,351,463 times
Reputation: 1148
She has a lot of issues. I suspect this is less about you and more about her own issues. Like not telling you that she didn't want to go to Brazil. If she isn't going to deal with her issues, you don't have much hope.
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Old 06-14-2013, 11:50 AM
 
7 posts, read 10,960 times
Reputation: 10
I don't know how I will manage to do that, she is very stubborn and it even more difficult to talk with since we live now in different countries. We were talking about going to get professional help after we separate, but I don't need any and her won't do it anyway I guess. I'm also afraid she will get offended by me getting back in contact with her and not respecting her desire of no-contact for a period.
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Old 06-14-2013, 11:52 AM
 
Location: Texas
43,562 posts, read 52,699,775 times
Reputation: 70850
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
She comes from a troubled family, one with alcoholism issues.

The odds are stacked against you having a healthy successful relationship unless or until she accepts that this has greatly impacted her, that she needs some professional help and then seeks it.

Please encourage her in that direction.
Yeah.
You were dealing with a lot of baggage and emotional issues right up front. And you KNEW that.
I am surprised you didn't think those would somehow rear their head eventually in your relationship.
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Old 06-14-2013, 11:53 AM
 
5,483 posts, read 6,383,633 times
Reputation: 5793
Im sorry that you had to go through this type of experience, but you cannot convince someone to love you or respect you as a man. They either do or they dont. You have to let go, and let time do its work.
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Old 06-14-2013, 11:53 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,269 posts, read 88,570,147 times
Reputation: 39866
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew77 View Post
I don't know how I will manage to do that, she is very stubborn and it even more difficult to talk with since we live now in different countries. We were talking about going to get professional help after we separate, but I don't need any and her won't do it anyway I guess. I'm also afraid she will get offended by me getting back in contact with her and not respecting her desire of no-contact for a period.
You said, "I love my wife so much that I feel that my life will end.

I cannot breath without her, I need her like I need air
.

I am totally unhappy here, and I canít enjoy anything.


I cringe for her every second and every second spent in here is a nightmare, away from her.

I am in desperate need
"

Andrew - you need more help than you realize.
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Old 06-14-2013, 11:57 AM
 
7 posts, read 10,960 times
Reputation: 10
Yes, I said that in the way that I love her a lot and I am 100% sure of my feelings and not sure what professional help will do for me and my feelings. Will I get some answers if I get professional help? Some outside view that not aware off?
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Old 06-14-2013, 12:00 PM
 
Location: Atlanta & NYC
6,620 posts, read 11,678,233 times
Reputation: 6603
It's hard being in a relationship with someone who never had a good family life to show them how a real relationship is supposed to be. I don't honestly know what to recommend but hopefully someone else on here can offer some good advice. It seems like it's all on her end though, so don't beat yourself up about it too much.
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Old 06-14-2013, 12:01 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,269 posts, read 88,570,147 times
Reputation: 39866
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew77 View Post
Yes, I said that in the way that I love her a lot and I am 100% sure of my feelings and not sure what professional help will do for me and my feelings. Will I get some answers if I get professional help? Some outside view that not aware off?
Yes.

Right now you lack perspective.

You are also lacking in wisdom/knowledge about the chaotic emotions a person with her family background lives in.
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