Dating someone who's not yet divorced

[Arcticthaw]

Originally Posted by miu

She should wait and not be his rebound squeeze. Let the dust settle on his divorce before proceeding forward.

This is the correct answer!

[Sundance]

You should not date someone until their divorce is FINAL. If they're that great, they're worth waiting for.

Then you can never be accused of coming between that person and their separated spouse.

Wait until they are FREE and clear, and over the marital relationship, to start anything. You'll be glad you did.

[SaveMtns]

Going back to the OP's words...

Originally Posted by pirate girl

... his ex-wife is pushing hard through their kids to reconcile with him but that he's not biting....Other thoughts?

...this is the reason I still maintain that it would be best to hold off starting up anything quite yet. It's not necessarily about the "piece of paper", or the Bible, etc.

IMHO, it's about allowing his current situation to play itself out first. We don't know if perhaps the ex-wife has a legitimate concern/commitment/goal to re-negotiate the marriage for the kids...which can work out for the best for everyone, including the couple. It doesn't always, but it CAN.

If he holds off, and first addresses his marriage and finalizes that situation - one way or the other - then he will know for the rest of his life that he gave it his best shot. He will be able to look his kids in the eye later and assure them of that.

[SaveMtns]

Not to monopolize.....but one last thought:

For all of you whose parents divorced when you were kids, do you remember hoping that they at least gave the marriage every chance before they started spending time with others?

[miu]

Originally Posted by SaveMtns

Not to monopolize.....but one last thought:

For all of you whose parents divorced when you were kids, do you remember hoping that they at least gave the marriage every chance before they started spending time with others?

My mom divorced my exdad when I was 5. My two sisters and I have always loved my stepdad more, and he was a much better father. My exdad wasn't abusive or anything, just a dork. Step-parents can be better parents than the blood ones.

[goldenmom7500]

Originally Posted by SaveMtns

Not to monopolize.....but one last thought:

For all of you whose parents divorced when you were kids, do you remember hoping that they at least gave the marriage every chance before they started spending time with others?

It's very difficult to answer this. My parents were fighting constantly and there was really no connection between them. I don't remember ever wishing that they would give 'their marriage' another chance. That being said, life was really never the same after they split up. My father remarried and started a new family (he is, in his own way, a great father, but it became painful, increasiningly, over the years). My mother desperately wanted to find a man and most of these men weren't interested in her kids, surprise surprise. And she seemed somewhat willing to sell us out - she loved us, I guess, but she was 'desperate' who can blame her?

In the last few months I managed to get out of a bad, many would say abusive marriage, and to take my young daughter with me to another state. I lavish her with love and attention. I volunteer every day at her school. She's loved and she knows it. And I'm not being told I'm a terrible person every day (and she doesn't have to worry about his anger) etc. I feel sort of guilty and a little bit regretful that we don't have the "family" she deserves, but life is good and better than it was.

[bluegrassgirl]

IMO, even if the marriage is completely dead in his head, he is still legally married. Secondly, he should be focusing on other things - his children and his emotional health... not dating at this point. Divorce causes many changes in one's life. I personally just don't think a new and immediate relationship should be one of them. Not a healthy start. Again, JMO.

[nycgirl2008]

I find that questions like these tend to stir people very deeply and everyone seems to tap emotionally into what happened to THEM - thereby- the answers you get will be very emotionally charged and not altogether useful. (Uninentionally of course.) Anyone who has ever been cheated on by their husband, or been through a divorce they did not want will tell you that this is a terrible situation...he is a bad man bc he's dating when he's not divorced- the list goes on and on. (Meanwhile this advice is given when we have NO insite to the divorce itself...for all we know he is leaving HER because she was the adulterer.) OF COURSE I am not suggesting that IS the case...I am saying that emotions are a funny thing- because many people responding to this lept at the idea that this man was the "bad guy" to "stay away" from because he is dating someone while technically "married," so "red flags" everywhere. My only point being, our emotions tend to answer these questions before our logic even THINKS to ask questions like "do you know what prompted the divorce? do you know this man's character (it seems like you know his family) etc, etc.

The reasons for divorce are SO very personal, and unique by case - it is absolutely impossible to label this man "bad" or "red flag" him without further insight. He could have been dealing with a very miserable marriage for a very long time and have EVERY right in the world to happiness right now. For all we know he has been a good and faithful husband, it took a LONG time for him to come to the conclusion to dissolve this marriage, and if that is the case- he very well COULD be emotionally prepared to seek love (that he has not had in a very long time) with someone new. He could also be a terrible man that cheated on his wife for years "just because" - and is simply continuing with his careless cold and selfish with your friend. A heartbreaker who moves on to the next person with little or no reflection on how they hurt the person before. The possibilities are endless- so before we leap I think it's important to consider ALL of them

BUT- based on the fact that you seem to know him a bit (enough to talk with his father) do you find him to be a man of character? I definitely think that being with someone going through a divorce presents some very difficult challenges - but lots of relationships have challenges. It's a matter of deciding if you are willing to go through them together (but that is true for ANY challenge). I have seen several friends go through divorce...and some DID find their new spouses before they were legally "divorced." It takes alot of patience on the side of the new love- it's not easy to watch someone you care about grieve the loss of something they had with someone else. BUt to be honest with you- some of my friends didn't grieve all that much and were just so happy with their new lives because they stayed in the old marriage for far too long! Another friend was abandoned out of nowhere for another woman and was in shock for years. The reasoning behind a divorce and the consequences and reasoning for when someone dates afterwards, and when it's "okay" to start is SO individual.

LOOOOOOOOONG answer short- your friend should realize that dating someone during this time COULD present challenges...but if they find they really like each other - maybe it is worthwhile for her to see where it's going! Just because he is getting divorced- doesn't make her a "rebound." It could...but it could also make her what he's lacked for a long time. I've seen both be true. As with any relationship- nothing is guaranteed...but I would not make all of those judgements before taking the time to find out who HE is. EVERYONE deserves to be happy...his first marriage failing doesn't make that less true for him- or for anyone.

[Rhett_Butler]

Originally Posted by SaveMtns

Not to monopolize.....but one last thought:

For all of you whose parents divorced when you were kids, do you remember hoping that they at least gave the marriage every chance before they started spending time with others?

Yes, and I know they didn't which is why they remarried 10 years later. Of course they divorced again and I doubt either of them tried as hard the second time around as they could have to make it work.....

Do I resent it??? Only so much as it inconveniences me at this point. If I hear whining from either of them about why I'm not there for Christmas or something I have a built in excuse that I don't even have to vocalize....

Sorry to sound so de-sensitized to it but frankly I am.... The first time I was 7 and while I will always wonder how life would have turned out if they'd stayed together I wouldn't change it because I wouldn't be who I am now if they had....... Second divorce??? Phhhht, I was 31 at that point and can't much say as I had the energy to care anymore...... C'est la vie...

[johndoeboy]

I know this guy is happy and enjoying his life. He probably is having sex with your friend and still his wife. I hope your friend is making him wear protection, because i know his wife isn't.