ALONE versus LONELY (dating, boyfriend, marriage, women)

[STT Resident]

So many posts on this forum relate to relationship/marriage breakdowns and breakups. Although so many are looking for input on relationship issues which are easily addressed, there seems to be a general theme relating to "lonely" versus "alone."

Kids moving into new colleges and not immediately finding compatible friends or (more importantly to them,the proverbial soul-mate,) bar-hangers not finding the "right person," party animals not getting any, people in unhappy relationships/marriages wanting to get out of them but worrying about their future prospects for another involvement down the line. A lot of people just apparently desparate for either "the" or the alternative next deep relationship.

My thought is that everyone should just take a deep breath. That will probably go down like a zinc cupcake. However, I grew up and made a multitude of mistakes throughout my young adulthood because (a) I was raised in what would now be classified as a dysfunctional household without a father, (b) left home at 16 to go to work in the big city with all its temptations and after that (c) went through three marriages in 13 years. I have now NOT been married for 25 years.

I was the one who screwed up my marriages. None of them was really bad it was my fault they ended except maybe for the last one. He was bitten by a mosquito (in Connecticut where we lived at the time) and spent total two years in hospitals and residential mental facilities until President Reagan started to shut down all the mental health institutions and he was let out way too soon. That story isn't really relevant and, even if it is, this forum is not an avenue! Ive spilled enough!

So what is my point?

Maybe that we all have problems where day to day life is concerned, where relationships are concerned and, primarily, where communication is concerned and where males and females come to eventual blows. Left brain right brain, males and females will NEVER think alike but they very often learn to cohabit in harmony if communication remains open. WHICH IS NOT EASY!

Required watching should be HBO's series, "Tell Me You Love Me."

Cheers!

[MainStreet]

Lovely post.

More than once, I've read posts that say things like "should I dump him and find someone else?" Find someone else...I just can't get passed that. Sometimes I think people look for companionship like they do a new car.

The more I am alone...the more I want to be alone and I'm never lonely.

I have new butternut squash soup recipes today....sure it would be nice to share some soup with someone; but I'm just as content having a love affair with my kitchen, big bowl of lov'in, and a good movie.

[Marylandkitten]

Excellent post.

And guilty as charged. While there is nothing wrong with having companionship, or mourning the lack thereof, there is something to be said, for needing to be comfortable with yourself, before involving someone else in your life. It's a lesson I live with and learn from everyday, that I would love for more people to take into account as well.

Being alone can be very rewarding. Some are better at it than others, some don't realize they prefer it until further down the road, some, have co-dependancy issues stemming from childhood and need to constantly be with someone, even if it's the wrong someone.

As one of my many beloved friends in CD Land once said to me... don't be in a relationship because you have to, be in one because you want to.

[thelostsouls]

Originally Posted by MainStreet

Lovely post.

More than once, I've read posts that say things like "should I dump him and find someone else?" Find someone else...I just can't get passed that. Sometimes I think people look for companionship like they do a new car.

The more I am alone...the more I want to be alone and I'm never lonely.

I have new butternut squash soup recipes today....sure it would be nice to share some soup with someone; but I'm just as content having a love affair with my kitchen, big bowl of lov'in, and a good movie.

I've wondered why people want to jump into another relationship so quickly also. Going through a divroce right now myself, I dont want to try and find another partner, I'm not emotionally ready.

[Mrs. H]

I agree that you need to be comfortable with yourself before committing to a relationship. This may require being alone...which doesn't necessarily mean you are lonely. There is a world of difference between these two words.

I was lonely for awhile then I started dating...went through the dating cycle and found I enjoyed being alone. After dating a few guys, I wanted to figure out what I liked and didn't like in men. I decided I wanted to be alone, enjoy being single. So many people ridicule the single people and vice versa...single people ridicule the marrieds. I believe being alone helped me in many ways. When I met my husband, I was emotionally and mentally ready. This could not have happened if I didn't get know me, myself, and I.

[eggalegga]

Originally Posted by MainStreet

The more I am alone...the more I want to be alone and I'm never lonely.

Loved this! Well said.

[STT Resident]

MainStreet - if you cook up a bunch of that butternut squash soup, you can freeze it up for sure for your own consumption. But then think about that person next to you, whether he or she is at the office or wherever but is obviously away from home - and give them a bowl. I'm a restaurateur and as much as my cooking is par excellence, I'm hard pushed to eat it myself because I make it myself and LOVE other people's cooking. Your basic sentiments hit me right on target. Good for you!

Back to the squash soup, restaurant trips are too often disappointing and way over-priced but, for instance, my bartender/server mentioned the other week about the marinara she made from scratch with home-made meatballs, Italian sausage and beef short ribs. She remembered helping her grandmother make it, standing atop a stool in front of the bubbling pot and carefully spooning off the excess fat. She thought it was either too spicy or too sweet but I begged her to bring me a sample and she presented me with a frozen portion the very next day which I finally got to eat a week later during my "off time." It was simply fabulous, such a treat!

Fiddlekitten, you say "guilty as charged" but of course you've learned and will continue to learn as time passes by. Internet forums have their place and fill a void to a certain extent. I'm relatively new to this site and am more an infrequent lurker than a contributor but started this thread based on what I've read here.

I'm probably old enough to be a mother or grandmother of most of the posters here and old fogeys generlly aren't realy listened to because they always sound like they're preaching. I have no major pulpit and try not to in any way get into the "preach" routine. I abstain from answering some posts because I sometimes feel like going off on a major elderly temper tantrum which wouldn't come across very well and, by the same token, others who contribute to this forum generally fill the gaps very well!

Cheers!

[Cosmic]

Same old saw hammered over and over again.

Either you have to have it all one way or the other. Either you have to be Alone as in you have nobody else in your life or you have to be Lonely because you are alone. Sounds like a lot of poo to me.

I have been single all my life. I guess I qualify as being Alone. But that does not mean you can not have a close SO. Many peeps have done it very long term. Doesn't even mean you have to live with them on a full time basis. Lord forbid that would probably have driven me crazy with most women. A lot of them are impossible on a full time basis.

Seems to me, many folks are far better off managing their own lives. Then just get a SO of like mind. For me, probably better never to attempt to live together directly under the same roof. Too many things can and do go wrong. Plus if you do it right is a way to keep the relationship fresh. I did it for something like one twenty year period with the same GF but you have to want that type of lifestyle. Not for everybody. You need to be able to live your basic life by yourself and solve all your own problems.

But it is also nice to have that SO. Keeps you from being lonely, plus it is nice to cook for two and share it. Both can do a lot for each other. Nice to have that special snuggle partner. Sort of your own lil support group. It is a system where there is rarely any reason to fight about anything. Each can be there for the other but you also have something similar to the freedom of being truly alone. Some peeps need a lot of down time where they actually spend quality time alone. Does not mean you are lonely by definition. Each person can also have a "Seperate Life" where they associate with others of their choosing. Today that probably does not mean sleeping with anybody else, way too much danger in that sort of thing. You can tune it so just about anything else is possible. You got to be the right sort of person.

I think you can have it both ways. Just not a solution we see talked about much. If two people are not crawling all over each other knittings, they are doing it wrong, according to the experts. In fact the solution to much of the conflicts talked about on CD is loosen up and doing be so involved on a minute by minute basis. Two or three days a week is fine by me. Be together for the good times.

In order for it to actually work, you have to like yourself and be happy at that lifestyle. When together the other person sees someone that is also happy. Duh, seems like a no brainer to me. You can be as lonely as you wish by choice. Why have to choose one extreme or the other?

[Marlow]

I didn't meet my dh til I was 34 although I dated a fair amount. I decided as I got older that each day was going to pass whether I was married or in a relationship or not and it was up to me to make it a good one or not. Married does not necessarily equal happy, as any number of C-D posters can attest.

[miu]

I am fine being single. I enjoy my own company. My boyfriend compliments my life but does not complete it.