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CoolHand has some good ideas. No contact, starting now. If you are indeed done with her.
I fear that staying in contact will reveal all kinds of things you don't want to know about why she is leaving (hint: very few women leave marriages without a "life raft" waiting for them)
On the other hand, if you love her, you have a chance of winning her back if you follow some specific guidelines. You can break up the affair and get her out of her dream-like foggy state, but it takes a lot of work to build the trust again.
If you are ready for that, read up on the Marriage Builders techniques and use their Infidelity forum.
My wife decided to end things last night, when I got home her car was packed and our rings were on the table. Things had been bad for years now, but I wasn't expecting her to leave right away. I'm 35, we had been married for 12 years, we got married young, i know. the first 6 years were wonderful, then we seemed to grow apart. Despite my best efforts and even counseling, it was not to be. So much to deal with now, we have to sell our house, divide up assets, figure out where to live, etc.. but more than anything it's the emotional hurt right now. I feel like my heart has been ripped out and I'm wondering how long until it gets better, if ever??
Sorry to hear that.
It sucks, but sooner or later, you'll probably see it's the right thing. Women tend not to leave unless and until there is no hope of reconciliation, so at least you know where you stand.
When the smoke clears, you've had a certain amount of healing, and you're able to look back on the last few years objectively, my guess is you'll see where the writing was on the wall. Maybe you'll feel angry toward her, and maybe you'll feel angry toward yourself for not seeing it, but it can teach you a lot about yourself and help you grow if you let it.
Now please be warned that you may not like this next part, but it's a public BBS, so I'm really talking to a few others here who have been through or are going through separations or divorce, or who belong to a small but vocal cadre of men who like to talk about how women allegedly get bored and just decide to leave one day, to the tremendous shock of the husband, who supposedly never saw it coming.
This seems to be yet another case where it's a surprise only to the husband because of his own denial. The OP says "things had been bad for years now, but I wasn't expecting her to leave right away." He admits that they started growing apart six years ago.
Six years of unhappiness is not "right away," especially if they've been through counseling. The take-home message here is that it's just not realistic to expect someone to hang around feeling unhappy for years on end. When things "have been bad for years," eventually someone is going to have enough of it and get the ball rolling toward a divorce. Don't hate women because we're the ones who do the paperwork. Chances are the marriage has been troubled, if not over, for a long time, just like the OP's.
It sucks, but sooner or later, you'll probably see it's the right thing. Women tend not to leave unless and until there is no hope of reconciliation, so at least you know where you stand.
When the smoke clears, you've had a certain amount of healing, and you're able to look back on the last few years objectively, my guess is you'll see where the writing was on the wall. Maybe you'll feel angry toward her, and maybe you'll feel angry toward yourself for not seeing it, but it can teach you a lot about yourself and help you grow if you let it.
Now please be warned that you may not like this next part, but it's a public BBS, so I'm really talking to a few others here who have been through or are going through separations or divorce, or who belong to a small but vocal cadre of men who like to talk about how women allegedly get bored and just decide to leave one day, to the tremendous shock of the husband, who supposedly never saw it coming.
This seems to be yet another case where it's a surprise only to the husband because of his own denial. The OP says "things had been bad for years now, but I wasn't expecting her to leave right away." He admits that they started growing apart six years ago.
Six years of unhappiness is not "right away," especially if they've been through counseling. The take-home message here is that it's just not realistic to expect someone to hang around feeling unhappy for years on end. When things "have been bad for years," eventually someone is going to have enough of it and get the ball rolling toward a divorce. Don't hate women because we're the ones who do the paperwork. Chances are the marriage has been troubled, if not over, for a long time, just like the OP's.
Yeah I guess when I look back, I did see it coming but maybe ignored it a little..
If I correctly recall from a recent thread, the OP and his wife had a disagreement over the question of whether to have kids; that is, for years they were mutually happy child-free, but then the wife changed her mind, but the husband did not. Did I understand that correctly? If not, please ignore what follows.
Four months of actively reading and writing on this forum has taught me that it's the question of having kids, and not money-arguments or affairs or general disrespect, that causes seemingly healthy marriages to abruptly fall apart. We've already established that many husbands (most?) are tone-deaf to their wives' pleas. Point taken. Lumps taken. But I contend that what seems to be often happening in child-free unions is that the wife realizes that the husband's entire world-view revolves around never reproducing and never parenting. She was great with that for a while, but eventually she changes her mind, and faces a stark choice: forego her new dreams of motherhood, or end the marriage. She can't confide in her husband because it would be unfair to force him to forego his dream of living child-free. So she keeps her concerns to herself, hoping that somehow they'll dissipate naturally. But they don't. So the marriage ends.
To respond to Lilac110, I'll mention this vignette. 8 weeks before my wife left me, we took a vacation in Hawaii. Standing on the western shore of the Big Island, we watched the sunset arm-in-arm. She leaned on my shoulder, turned to me, and said: "Honey, I'm so thrilled to be here, with you, in your strong embrace. I'm so grateful for our life together, for our love. It's just a beautiful moment!"
In hindsight, I now realize that my ex-wife was torn apart by love for her ex-husband vs. ineluctable desire for motherhood. At that moment, and for all moments prior, she didn't intimate by any means that she changed her mind about being child-free. I was suspecting nothing! I took her remark on that shore facing the sunset as a kind of renewal of our wedding vows. Little did I know that 56 days later she would be gone, never to return.
Yeah I guess when I look back, I did see it coming but maybe ignored it a little..
Just don't beat yourself up over it. I debated whether to say anything about it on this thread because of the hurt you must feel right now. Like you said, there will be a lot to process in the coming days and weeks.
Maybe I'm jaded and cynical when it comes to this subforum, but I'm expecting the bitter boys to roll in any moment now. (And I'd like to be wrong about that.) I can only speak for myself, but as someone whose own divorce was free of animosity, the last thing I needed was a bunch of women chiming in about how men suck, blah, blah, blah. I even fired my attorney over it once I got the property settlement agreement done because she was trying to sow anger where there was none.
Props to you and your wife on keeping level heads. Having been through an amicable separation and divorce, I can tell you that keeping it civil will go a long way toward healing, forgiving yourself and her, and moving on in life. That doesn't make it less sad, and there will be a certain amount of grieving. Heck, there are still things I miss about my ex, eight years later, even though I've been in a relationship for six years now. Good people don't stop being good people just because they aren't right for each other anymore.
Point is that a level head will enable you to avoid the cancer of bitterness. Looking around these boards, I see what rancor has done to people--men and women--and that is the saddest thing of all.
If I correctly recall from a recent thread, the OP and his wife had a disagreement over the question of whether to have kids; that is, for years they were mutually happy child-free, but then the wife changed her mind, but the husband did not. Did I understand that correctly? If not, please ignore what follows.
Four months of actively reading and writing on this forum has taught me that it's the question of having kids, and not money-arguments or affairs or general disrespect, that causes seemingly healthy marriages to abruptly fall apart. We've already established that many husbands (most?) are tone-deaf to their wives' pleas. Point taken. Lumps taken. But I contend that what seems to be often happening in child-free unions is that the wife realizes that the husband's entire world-view revolves around never reproducing and never parenting. She was great with that for a while, but eventually she changes her mind, and faces a stark choice: forego her new dreams of motherhood, or end the marriage. She can't confide in her husband because it would be unfair to force him to forego his dream of living child-free. So she keeps her concerns to herself, hoping that somehow they'll dissipate naturally. But they don't. So the marriage ends.
To respond to Lilac110, I'll mention this vignette. 8 weeks before my wife left me, we took a vacation in Hawaii. Standing on the western shore of the Big Island, we watched the sunset arm-in-arm. She leaned on my shoulder, turned to me, and said: "Honey, I'm so thrilled to be here, with you, in your strong embrace. I'm so grateful for our life together, for our love. It's just a beautiful moment!"
In hindsight, I now realize that my ex-wife was torn apart by love for her ex-husband vs. ineluctable desire for motherhood. At that moment, and for all moments prior, she didn't intimate by any means that she changed her mind about being child-free. I was suspecting nothing! I took her remark on that shore facing the sunset as a kind of renewal of our wedding vows. Little did I know that 56 days later she would be gone, never to return.
One big reason for my divorce was that my ex thought he could change my mind on kids. I told him from the start--our third date--I did not want them. We dated for 2 years, and had a 14-month engagement, and never once did I sway from that position. There were other things in the marriage, both big and small, but it would not have been worth the effort to work on any of them because of that one black-or-white issue. And I did feel deceived because he swore up and down that he did not want kids either, and used to talk about the environmental necessity of negative population growth.
And there he is, remarried with two kids.
So much for that.
But more power to him if he's happy.
Now you, in particular, I think should see a counselor, because it seems like you are having a hard time letting go, and that on some level, you're angry at her. I've yet to see you express any regret about your own part in the demise of your marriage. It takes two to let, or make, a marriage fail, and your posts seem to lay all the blame on her.
Thanks all, no kids involved and no real animosity, we're both pretty level headed so no lawyers needed. It's just sad is all.
Yeah, lawyers will suck as much cash out of you as you can afford. An aquantence of mine who is a divorce attorney booked over 500k last year just doing divorces.
I would think you would be feeling some relieve as you said it has been bad for years?
My wife decided to end things last night, when I got home her car was packed and our rings were on the table. Things had been bad for years now, but I wasn't expecting her to leave right away. I'm 35, we had been married for 12 years, we got married young, i know. the first 6 years were wonderful, then we seemed to grow apart. Despite my best efforts and even counseling, it was not to be. So much to deal with now, we have to sell our house, divide up assets, figure out where to live, etc.. but more than anything it's the emotional hurt right now. I feel like my heart has been ripped out and I'm wondering how long until it gets better, if ever??
Just be glad that you're young enough to still have a life.
If I correctly recall from a recent thread, the OP and his wife had a disagreement over the question of whether to have kids; that is, for years they were mutually happy child-free, but then the wife changed her mind, but the husband did not. Did I understand that correctly?
You are spot on. That was a major issue for us.
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