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Old 06-20-2013, 05:01 PM
 
6 posts, read 20,594 times
Reputation: 13

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I've been with my boyfriend for over four years. I am in my mid 20s and he is in his early 30s. When we first met, we went out ALL THE TIME. We would go out for dinner, go to bars (though we both hate loud clubs), go to see plays, to museums/art exhibits, etc.

About a year into our relationship, he started changing drastically. Instead of going out every weekend, he wanted to stay in. I'm fine with staying in some of the time. I have actually learned to enjoy cooking meals at home and have gotten good at it. I do enjoy spending the evening at home just relaxing, but I still have the desire to go out every once in a while, maybe 1-2 times per month. But now he doesn't want to go out at all, ever.

At first it went like this:

Me: I know we don't have a lot of money, but there is a tapas place that has 1/2 price tapas on Wed. nights. Want to go?
Him: No, that's still too expensive.

Me: There's a wine shop having a completely free wine tasting. It's only a 10 minute drive from here.
Him: Maybe another night (surprise, surprise. Another night never happened).

Me: I really want to go to this art exhibit and write an article about it and submit it to the paper. It's free to get in.
Him: No, too many pretentious people.

After a lot of pushing, I finally got to the real root of the problem. My boyfriend hates going out with me. He goes out to eat with his dad and to casinos with him, but he hates going out with me specifically.

He says I draw too much attention from men because my body is curvy and I have large breasts (DD cup, and no I'm not fat -- I work out 4-5 times per week). A few times when we went out, I got stared at, honked at, etc. I wasn't trying to dress over the top and get that reaction, it just happened.

He wanted me to dress more conservatively, so I gladly did, but it wasn't good enough for him. He has asked me to change my clothes completely and calls it dressing "incognito" where I basically have to dress down so much that I draw no attention to myself whatsoever (ie he wants men to glance over and think I'm a boy).

This includes wearing jeans that are so loose they will fall off me without a belt and tops that are 2 sizes too big. And of course, I must wear a hat everywhere we go, even if we are just driving in the car and not going anywhere in particular. He will throw a fit if I don't dress down.

Shoes with any heel on them whatsoever are off limits. As are skirts and dresses. I hardly ever wear make up, but lip gloss is a no-no with him because it apparently makes men "stare and think of oral." I have given up swimming, something I have always loved, because he doesn't want me to be in a bathing suit in public (even a one piece) and we don't know anyone with a private pool.

I have (unhappily) changed the way I dress to fit his ideas of how I should dress, but we still don't go out. We got into a big fight about it recently when I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk around the neighborhood. He says if I want fresh air I can sit in his mom's fenced in backyard where no men will see me.

He accuses me of only wanting to go out so men can see me and I can get attention. That is simply not true. I just like experiencing and seeing new things.

I feel like I am wasting my 20s sitting indoors every single day. His 66 year old mother has a more active social life than we do. In the past year, we have gone out twice. Once to see a movie at my insistence because we had free tickets (and it took A LOT of arm twisting on my part). Another time to a Panera for lunch. He includes a trip to the store to pick up kitty litter as "going out."

Another thing that angers me is he never wants me to run errands with him. He insists on doing all of the shopping. If I need something, he picks it up and I don't go. I don't drive. I don't even deposit money in my own bank account. If we do go out, I can tell his anxiety level is so high, a simple trip to the grocery store makes me feel like we are walking through a mine field. And if a guy looks at me and my boyfriend doesn't feel that I did everything to prevent it...the mine explodes in MY face and it becomes a huge fight.

I know that I will have to give up a lot more if I stay in this relationship. I love traveling, but he says he won't travel with me until I can act like a CIA operative and be so good at dressing "undercover" that people think I actually am a man. That includes traveling to locations that people normally think of as safe, such as western Europe.

He shows me pics on the internet of women who dress up in costume to look like men but a) they have professional make up artists working with them and b) they don't have DDs like I do! It's hard to hide these things.

He says it is for my own safety, but I know lots of beautiful women (some with very curvy bodies as well) who don't wear hats and dress down everywhere they go and none of them have ever been physically attacked. He doesn't understand that ALL WOMEN GET STARED AT and hit on, even ones that aren't attractive. I just saw an obese woman get stared at and honked at as she was walking down the street.

He says if I start dressing up (or dressing like a normal woman in her 20s as I think of it) that he will start checking out women in front of me and that I'm not special. He says "if you're going to act like an ordinary woman dressing up, I'll start acting like an ordinary guy and stare at all the young hot women we see walking down the street." He knows this really hurts me, and I feel like it is emotional black mail, if that is even a thing.

Is there anyway I can reach him? What can I do? I am miserable sitting at home all the time and not being able to dress in the way I want.
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Old 06-20-2013, 05:21 PM
 
17,157 posts, read 22,161,261 times
Reputation: 31218
tell him,,,your female friends invited you to plays, museums, out for drinks,,,,
he may change his tune...


here is something major that drives a man nuts,,,,,AND IM NOT SAYING YOU ARE DOING THIS

but if a guy is with a hot woman,,,yes, other men will look, but depending where you are, some men are down-right rude
but it depends on the reaction of the woman,,,some woman love attention,,and smile,,,which invites more attention,,,this drives a man nuts,,,also, if other men go over the line,,,,he has to defend you,,,
i've never had an issue with this,,,but i've had friends that lived in big cities,,and this is a major deal,,because if two guys are almost harrassing the lady,,,the man feels he should protect his woman,,,,and its not a level playing field,,if there are two guys or one of them has a knife,,,things happen quickly,,

im not saying this is the case with you two ,,,but i've actually seen this and helped out the husband,,because it was three jerks being crude- the husband was so upset,,,thinking he almost got killed,,and the attractive wife said "they really didnt mean any harm" one of them wasnt so bad" and this angers the hudband more

extremes are on both sides of this issue
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Old 06-20-2013, 05:25 PM
 
6 posts, read 20,594 times
Reputation: 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by mainebrokerman View Post
tell him,,,your female friends invited you to plays, museums, out for drinks,,,,
he may change his tune...


here is something major that drives a man nuts,,,,,AND IM NOT SAYING YOU ARE DOING THIS

but if a guy is with a hot woman,,,yes, other men will look, but depending where you are, some men are down-right rude
but it depends on the reaction of the woman,,,some woman love attention,,and smile,,,which invites more attention,,,this drives a man nuts,,,also, if other men go over the line,,,,he has to defend you,,,
i've never had an issue with this,,,but i've had friends that lived in big cities,,and this is a major deal,,because if two guys are almost harrassing the lady,,,the man feels he should protect his woman,,,,and its not a level playing field,,if there are two guys or one of them has a knife,,,things happen quickly,,

im not saying this is the case with you two ,,,but i've actually seen this and helped out the husband,,because it was three jerks being crude- the husband was so upset,,,thinking he almost got killed,,and the attractive wife said "they really didnt mean any harm" one of them wasnt so bad" and this angers the hudband more

extremes are on both sides of this issue
Yes, this is exactly what he's afraid of. He always says "you're going to get me killed."

But this has never happened with us. Guys look, but they hardly ever say anything and it's never even come close to a fight. And no, I don't smile at strange men and try not to even look at them or make eye contact.
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Old 06-20-2013, 05:34 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
16,227 posts, read 21,978,457 times
Reputation: 23996
You need to seriously re-read what you wrote here to us!! You need to understand how ridiculous this sounds.
Hey! If you wanna live your life locked up in a basement, wearing guy clothes because your man can`t handle the fact that you are beautiful, and someone else might think so too, more power to ya!
No sympathy party here on my part. You should be able to see this clearly. Its up to you! Good luck!
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Old 06-20-2013, 05:37 PM
 
Location: So Cal
38,749 posts, read 37,911,931 times
Reputation: 39561
Give me a flipping break......


Some more for you

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Old 06-20-2013, 05:38 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 86,025,648 times
Reputation: 39664
This isn't about you or your clothes. Did you really need someone to tell you this?

Convince him to see a professional, or just get out now.

This is not an emotionally healthy man and the longer you stay with him the less emotionally healthy you will become too.
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Old 06-20-2013, 05:39 PM
 
Location: Milwaukee
1,999 posts, read 1,889,515 times
Reputation: 568
Strange thing. Never quite got this.

Me? I'd like if guys looked at my ol' lady thinking she was sexy looking, so long as I knew she was loyal to me. I'd actually like her dressing sexy when we'd go out. But that's me. To each his own.

I have no solution to your problem.

Tell him, "Ho! hey! I've been trying to do it right. I've been living lonely..."


The Lumineers - Ho Hey (Official Video) - YouTube
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Old 06-20-2013, 05:41 PM
 
1,638 posts, read 2,470,299 times
Reputation: 2693
Quote:
Originally Posted by LMC88 View Post
I've been with my boyfriend for over four years. I am in my mid 20s and he is in his early 30s. When we first met, we went out ALL THE TIME. We would go out for dinner, go to bars (though we both hate loud clubs), go to see plays, to museums/art exhibits, etc.

About a year into our relationship, he started changing drastically. Instead of going out every weekend, he wanted to stay in. I'm fine with staying in some of the time. I have actually learned to enjoy cooking meals at home and have gotten good at it. I do enjoy spending the evening at home just relaxing, but I still have the desire to go out every once in a while, maybe 1-2 times per month. But now he doesn't want to go out at all, ever.

At first it went like this:

Me: I know we don't have a lot of money, but there is a tapas place that has 1/2 price tapas on Wed. nights. Want to go?
Him: No, that's still too expensive.

Me: There's a wine shop having a completely free wine tasting. It's only a 10 minute drive from here.
Him: Maybe another night (surprise, surprise. Another night never happened).

Me: I really want to go to this art exhibit and write an article about it and submit it to the paper. It's free to get in.
Him: No, too many pretentious people.

After a lot of pushing, I finally got to the real root of the problem. My boyfriend hates going out with me. He goes out to eat with his dad and to casinos with him, but he hates going out with me specifically.

He says I draw too much attention from men because my body is curvy and I have large breasts (DD cup, and no I'm not fat -- I work out 4-5 times per week). A few times when we went out, I got stared at, honked at, etc. I wasn't trying to dress over the top and get that reaction, it just happened.

He wanted me to dress more conservatively, so I gladly did, but it wasn't good enough for him. He has asked me to change my clothes completely and calls it dressing "incognito" where I basically have to dress down so much that I draw no attention to myself whatsoever (ie he wants men to glance over and think I'm a boy).

This includes wearing jeans that are so loose they will fall off me without a belt and tops that are 2 sizes too big. And of course, I must wear a hat everywhere we go, even if we are just driving in the car and not going anywhere in particular. He will throw a fit if I don't dress down.

Shoes with any heel on them whatsoever are off limits. As are skirts and dresses. I hardly ever wear make up, but lip gloss is a no-no with him because it apparently makes men "stare and think of oral." I have given up swimming, something I have always loved, because he doesn't want me to be in a bathing suit in public (even a one piece) and we don't know anyone with a private pool.

I have (unhappily) changed the way I dress to fit his ideas of how I should dress, but we still don't go out. We got into a big fight about it recently when I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk around the neighborhood. He says if I want fresh air I can sit in his mom's fenced in backyard where no men will see me.

He accuses me of only wanting to go out so men can see me and I can get attention. That is simply not true. I just like experiencing and seeing new things. Sounds like a jerk.

I feel like I am wasting my 20s sitting indoors every single day. His 66 year old mother has a more active social life than we do. In the past year, we have gone out twice. Once to see a movie at my insistence because we had free tickets (and it took A LOT of arm twisting on my part). Another time to a Panera for lunch. He includes a trip to the store to pick up kitty litter as "going out." You are wasting your youthful years. Please stop.

Another thing that angers me is he never wants me to run errands with him. He insists on doing all of the shopping. If I need something, he picks it up and I don't go. I don't drive. I don't even deposit money in my own bank account. If we do go out, I can tell his anxiety level is so high, a simple trip to the grocery store makes me feel like we are walking through a mine field. And if a guy looks at me and my boyfriend doesn't feel that I did everything to prevent it...the mine explodes in MY face and it becomes a huge fight.

I know that I will have to give up a lot more if I stay in this relationship. I love traveling, but he says he won't travel with me until I can act like a CIA operative and be so good at dressing "undercover" that people think I actually am a man. That includes traveling to locations that people normally think of as safe, such as western Europe. This is weird. I have no words.

He shows me pics on the internet of women who dress up in costume to look like men but a) they have professional make up artists working with them and b) they don't have DDs like I do! It's hard to hide these things.

He says it is for my own safety, but I know lots of beautiful women (some with very curvy bodies as well) who don't wear hats and dress down everywhere they go and none of them have ever been physically attacked. He doesn't understand that ALL WOMEN GET STARED AT and hit on, even ones that aren't attractive. I just saw an obese woman get stared at and honked at as she was walking down the street.

Oh SPARE ME. He is a 30 y/o man. He is BS'ing you. He has some insecurity issues. Or some sort of issues. This is baby talk.

He says if I start dressing up (or dressing like a normal woman in her 20s as I think of it) that he will start checking out women in front of me and that I'm not special. He says "if you're going to act like an ordinary woman dressing up, I'll start acting like an ordinary guy and stare at all the young hot women we see walking down the street." He knows this really hurts me, and I feel like it is emotional black mail, if that is even a thing.

Is there anyway I can reach him? What can I do? I am miserable sitting at home all the time and not being able to dress in the way I want.

Seriously, I don't mean to be rude, but is this a cultural thing? This man sounds like he will be more abusive if this continues. Controlling the way a woman dresses (you don't sound like you're prancing around with 9 inch heels and mini skirts every day, you're normal) is manipulation. He wants you to be his pawn. This is very unhealthy. I would leave, he sounds like he has some serious issues.

Your issue is your boyfriend ruling your life, and you have already submitted to it in your 20's. This is not an issue of your boyfriend wanting to go out with you, this is a superiority complex. I had an ex do this to me. I really think he got off on me trying to "please" him with his requests for how I should dress. He is now some other girls problem and I believe I have met my future husband. Couldn't be happier.

Edit: IF you want to prance in 9 inch heels, werk it. Just saying I could see why that makes someone uncomfortable.
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Old 06-20-2013, 05:42 PM
 
Location: So Cal
38,749 posts, read 37,911,931 times
Reputation: 39561
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
This isn't about you or your clothes. Did you really need someone to tell you this?

Convince him to see a professional, or just get out now.

This is not an emotionally healthy man and the longer you stay with him the less emotionally healthy you will become too.
I think you might be wasting your good advice here.......
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Old 06-20-2013, 05:42 PM
 
Location: NY
176 posts, read 283,249 times
Reputation: 221
You should run from this relationship right now. Any man that wants his attractive girlfriend to dress like a man and won't go out at all because other men will look at you will only get even more controlling over time and you will be miserable.

You are young, you should be going out and experiencing life. Ditch him and find someone you can go out and enjoy things with.
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