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Back when I was 18, I met a gamer online. We met at a few national tournaments, and took a liking to each other. I was incredibly naive and high on that feeling of young love. Even though I saw various red flags in his personality (he was verbally abusive and would degrade me often,) I ignored that using all the good times we had together to reassure myself it was no big deal. After 4 months of long distance dating, I moved to him in NYC.
I moved in with him and his grandparents (his parents weren't in his life), and for the first few months everything was okay. Toward our 10 month mark, things became unbearable. He became extremely sick and was hospitalized for months. I was visiting him daily, and when he got released, would give him his at-home IV shots. I also helped care for his grandmother who had a bad hip that left her bed ridden. All the while, he continued to verbally abuse and degrade me for my past mistakes (before he was even in the picture.)
I reached a breaking point eventually because I was so unhappy that I cried myself to sleep every night. I reached out to my parents and they flew me back home. Now, looking at it, it was such a dumb decision that I regret with every fiber of my being.
Cue my present situation. Two days before I left, my then ex (I broke up with him then scheduled my flight for a few days later), broke his promise of going with me to see his grandmother (who was then hospitalized) to let her know I was leaving and why we broke up. She was always so nice to me so I felt it was the least I could do.
I felt hopeless not knowing how to navigate Manhattan to reach her hospital, so I messaged the only acquaintance I knew who lived close to us-- a mutual friend. I hardly talked to him much, and had no partical opinion on him (and he also felt that way), but he agreed to help. He also agreed to help me to the airport (I had 4 giant suitcases I couldn't deal with alone) since my ex who had agreed prior suddenly bailed on me.
After those two days we stayed friends and communicated back and forth, and we ironically enough, ended up liking each other quite a bit. We flew to visit each other many times, and eventually began a relationship. This couldn't have been anymore ironic: my ex lived on the east side, my current interest, the west (almost exactly opposite from each other.) Not only that, but their personalities were the exact opposite as well. My ex was hot tempered, impatient, and distant-- this guy was gentle, patient and loving.
About two years have passed in my current relationship, and we are just now thinking of closing the distance (as opposed to me jumping the gun the first time, this time I wanted to take it slow.) He currently has his own apartment, and is asking me to come live with him. I honestly love the city, and know there are many more opportunities there for what I want to do with myself career wise. My current small town near Dallas, Texas doesn't have any compared to NYC. My heart wants to make the jump, but I am so afraid.
I am afraid it won't work again, and I will only make a fool of myself a second time. Even though we've waited far longer, are seriously committed to one another, and have weighed pros and cons carefully, I'm fearful. My current boyfriend has never once raised his voice at me, he is patient with me even when I am in terrible moods, and he is honestly the nicest man I've ever met (probably due to being raised properly by his supportive mother, whereas my ex was raised in a violent and abusive household.)
I know the choice I made in the past isn't his fault, and the way we found each other was complete luck and coincidence... that is, nobody schemed for it to happen this way. However, I am still afraid of taking the leap again. He has said he is more than willing to move here for me, but there is no future for us here. There are not as many opportunities. How can I stop being afraid and give this a chance again?
Save up enough money so you can fly yourself back home if it doesn't work out. Don't depend on your folks for help, depend on your own good judgement. I, for one, would not shack up with another person, but that is just me. I wouldn't move to NYC (or anywhere else) if I couldn't support myself. I think once you become independent and can take care of yourself, you will loose some of these fears.
I think any major life changing event, like moving in with someone in another part of the country is always going to have some fear of the unknown. You get over that fear by facing it. But i also agree with the above poster.
you were young and dumb, with the first loser..
now, you have taken it slow with this guy.....but you are still fearful of the unknown,,,,(we all are)
set a time period,,say for 6 months,,,tell him you will move in,,,for 3 or 6 months,,,,at the end of 6 months, you will decide to stay or go,,
this puts him on notice too, that he has something to prove, and something to lose
also tell him, at some point, your parents want to come visit, to meet him.. guys with honorable intentions will welcome this- guys that are losers, will not..
Get a job lined up. Securing a job before moving will put your mind at ease. You will not be repeating the same mistakes i.e. being dependent on someone else....My advice to the women in my family is to always be self sufficient. Its one thing to be in an LDR and another to start living together.
I simply do not want you to end up in another situation where you are at the mercy of someone and in the event that there is a disagreement, you have no outlet to vent besides his own friends.... Please wait a bit until you can secure a job...and then get your own place, see how the relationship goes even after that...before moving in together.
Probably not what you want to hear but I cant advice you to do something I wouldnt recommend to my own family.
As said before, the way to overcome fear is to face it head-on.
Do you think this relationship is worth moving to NYC again? You've apparently talked the decision out pretty well with him. I guess that's the only question left.
You should have a solid exit plan in case things don't work out. And I mean, you should be ready to go in 1-3 months. Relationships are always risky, such is life. But you are considering moving across the country to one of the most expensive cities in the country, and you aren't getting married. Can you earn a living there? Can you go back home and start anew yet again? What is it that you want to do with yourself career wise, and do you have the necessary qualifications?
Save up enough money so you can fly yourself back home if it doesn't work out. Don't depend on your folks for help, depend on your own good judgement. I, for one, would not shack up with another person, but that is just me. I wouldn't move to NYC (or anywhere else) if I couldn't support myself. I think once you become independent and can take care of yourself, you will loose some of these fears.
I concur.
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