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Old 06-22-2013, 10:26 PM
 
Location: Windham County, VT
10,543 posts, read 4,679,894 times
Reputation: 20269

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlguy39 View Post
I don't like being alone, even though I'm introverted. I can see it being tougher for an extrovert. Then again, an extrovert can go meet people (maybe not a mate) anytime. I, on the other hand, sit at home alone on a Saturday night wishing I was not only in a relationship, but married. Yeah, I hate it.
I appreciate alone time, as an introvert-the problem is that not all this alone time is of my choice.
It's a consequence of my narrow social circle & so on, rather than a deliberate concerted attempt on my part to have the "alone time".
If I had time with another person (whom I enjoyed & vice versa), then my alone time would be more fun,
because it would have a defined beginning & ending, rather than being a perpetually yawning chasm/vacuum.
Quote:
Originally Posted by back2M View Post
We all get lonely. How we spend that alone time is the important aspect.

Have you ever done an "alone" hobby or interest? Like painting, writing, making crafts, tinkering with cars, setting that goal to work towards running a marathon, etc? Something that you are interested in may make those times when no one else is around more enjoyable and give you feelings of accomplishments.
I realize this isn't directed to me, but I had to reply.
Thing is, I do lots of activities by myself, but they are solitary, one-person pursuits, which then contributes further to my isolation.
The hobbies that require other people generally aren't ones that I have any interest in, except for conversation,
but that's not a formal structured hobby (no, am not up for going to a debate class or Toastmasters-eek).
Quote:
Originally Posted by ohio_peasant View Post
As a borderline introvert, I yearn less for constant companionship that for the comforting feeling that somebody out there cares for me, not merely through politeness or professional association or shared interests, but genuine fondness; and presumably I'd reciprocate in kind. That feeling, I think, is accentuated shortly after leaving a long-term relationship. Obviously, the longer the relationship, the longer it takes to unwind one's erstwhile self-conceptualization as half of a couple, resuming the role of an autonomous individual. This is not to imply that a close relationship obliterates the self - certainly it should not! But it does mean that driving alone, dining alone, traveling alone, and yes, sleeping alone, requires a substantial mental readjustment. While memory of the former relationship is fresh, it's almost incomprehensible how to behold oneself as this new, solitary entity. Yet I wonder whether in due time the greater danger does not become being too successful as lone-wolf, where one has to adroitly adapted to solitary prowling, that one can't healthily rejoin the pack, as it were, and searching for a new partner becomes problematic.
I'm grateful for the professional contacts I have, but I would much prefer to have more "recreational" people in my life, as a proportion of my interactions.

Being uncoupled after lengthy/intense relationship can feel, physiologically like an amputation of a sort.
One had adjusted to the presence (not constantly, but regularly & reliably) of the other as an extension of oneself (in a way),
then losing that-it's like the brain atrophies without that reinforcement from the other person, with whom one had the symbiotic connection.

It can be profoundly painful, feel like fresh wounds are being inflicted each time one does a task alone that one had long done with another,
as those circuits in the brain have to effortfully detour around the old, no-longer-valid pathways of "how this goes with a partner",
and instead run the "I'm doing this unaccompanied" routine.

That disjuncture between how things once were and how they are now
can be a very emotionally, viscerally raw experience that one relives day after day...
Meanwhile, one is trying to seem falsely upbeat so as not to repel potential new acquaintances or old friends. Aaargh.
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Old 06-23-2013, 04:24 AM
 
Location: St. Louis
9,457 posts, read 16,416,956 times
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Stava, although I'm pretty much of an introvert, I can empathize with this and even I felt pretty cut loose and ready to go socialize more when I got divorced. Thing is,there is so much to do and you say you have ambition so why not choose activities which will help you advance, like attending seminars, lectures, or community events. Along the way you'll meet many people and some will become friends and some will be able to help you advance and some will be people that you can help. Eventually you'll settle into a new normal and you'll learn to value your alone time again. I think this would be more beneficial than trying to date right now.
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Old 06-23-2013, 04:42 AM
 
17,164 posts, read 22,182,489 times
Reputation: 31260
change your frame of reference- not "alone" but single or "independent"

most like to think in black/whites and labels,,, for ex. either you are in a relationship..or not"
friends family, will often ask "who are you seeing" you dating" etc. etc.

i suggest...you seek common ground friends... make simple friends with the opposite sex...many men/woman are in the same boat,,,find different companion friends/activity friends,,keep it simple,,

be more friendly and flirtatious... friends dont mean lovers...

my god, if we could get half of the social stigma's and labels off the table,,and people could just enjoy each others company,,without thinking they have to have sex in 5 dates,,, this would be so much easier and freer
set the rules up front,, and befriend many,,,weed out the weeds, and with the decent folks,,and along the way, you will find a few you like,,

you cant catch a fish, if you dont go fishing..
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Old 06-23-2013, 08:13 AM
 
788 posts, read 1,021,715 times
Reputation: 1228
Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlguy39 View Post
I don't like being alone, even though I'm introverted. I can see it being tougher for an extrovert. Then again, an extrovert can go meet people (maybe not a mate) anytime. I, on the other hand, sit at home alone on a Saturday night wishing I was not only in a relationship, but married. Yeah, I hate it.
This describes me too. It's especially hard because I live in a very young neighborhood, where I constantly see friends and couples out together, but most of my friends live outside my city with their SOs. Some other single friends are generally not available to hang out, so I spend far too much time alone. That's very hard, and I hate it - I say that as someone who requires alone time.
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Old 06-23-2013, 08:58 AM
 
Location: Raleigh, NC
3,406 posts, read 8,993,505 times
Reputation: 2014
I know, it sucks. I wish I could offer some suggestions to help make the loneliness more tolerable, but I don't have any.
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Old 06-23-2013, 02:41 PM
 
Location: North Carolina
1,818 posts, read 2,045,684 times
Reputation: 2769
I'm going to look at this as an opportunity for growth. I'm not planning to get into another relationship any time soon.
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