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Old 06-26-2013, 03:56 PM
 
18,255 posts, read 17,635,017 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AverageGuy2006 View Post
[/b]

I am curious as to how this plays out in 6 months.
I have an extremely difficult time believing the bolded mentality would not be a dealbreaker once the s/o figures out you live like that.
I dated someone that shared the bolded mentality, like you.
It was brutal, and ultimately the worst relationship I was ever in.
I'm not saying you should disappear on your friends, but when people actively state the bolded, to me it is a red flag.
Due to my past experience, it is quite lkkely that if a woman ever again states the bolded to me in the future, I will most likely exit the relationship quickly, especially if she cancels plans with me to go hang out with her friends. Now, had you (she) invited me out WITH her friend, that is a whole different story.
I agree. I would never pull that on my BF. He would be incredibly hurt, offended, and pissed. As would I.
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Old 06-26-2013, 05:20 PM
 
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
5,003 posts, read 3,528,858 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChessieMom View Post
I agree. I would never pull that on my BF. He would be incredibly hurt, offended, and pissed. As would I.
He would be pissed you go help a friend in need?
You would be pissed he go help a friend in need?

wow, thank god you guys arent my friends!!!
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Old 06-27-2013, 05:38 AM
 
229 posts, read 283,036 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Liberty2011 View Post
Great post! I especially love the bolded part!

I think a problem with some friendships is having the expectation that nothing will change, and if it does, it's somehow wrong. That, and feeling that being friends with someone, for longer than they've been in a romantic relationship, takes precedence. It's natural that when you couple up and create your own family, friends become secondary to that. I have to admit though that putting your SO before your friends hasn't been an issue for me since I was about 20. This is a normal occurrence, like it or not.
I think it's only natural that the friendship will change once one or more parties get involved. I don't have as much time to see my friends, and neither does my close friend who is now engaged. We both understand that since we both got in relationships, things change. I'm happy for him, and he's happy for me.

But even though we don't see each other very often, we still regularly keep in touch. A quick five-minute text back and forth here...a Facebook post there. I think it's perfectly possible to be in a serious relationship, and still have a strong foundation with friends.
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Old 06-27-2013, 05:49 AM
 
229 posts, read 283,036 times
Reputation: 315
Quote:
Originally Posted by AverageGuy2006 View Post
[/b]

I am curious as to how this plays out in 6 months.
I have an extremely difficult time believing the bolded mentality would not be a dealbreaker once the s/o figures out you live like that.
I dated someone that shared the bolded mentality, like you.
It was brutal, and ultimately the worst relationship I was ever in.
I'm not saying you should disappear on your friends, but when people actively state the bolded, to me it is a red flag.
Due to my past experience, it is quite lkkely that if a woman ever again states the bolded to me in the future, I will most likely exit the relationship quickly, especially if she cancels plans with me to go hang out with her friends. Now, had you (she) invited me out WITH her friend, that is a whole different story.
For me, it depends on the specific situation and reason why the SO backs out of plans. Also, the frequency would be a big factor. Done constantly and it would be a deal breaker. Every once in awhile...no.

But if SO needed to be there for a friend in need, or just really wanted a night to himself with friends, I'd understand.
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Old 06-27-2013, 06:03 AM
 
1,464 posts, read 1,282,756 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Creativeguy504 View Post
I've been involved in a great relationship for almost 8 months. One of my closest friends has been involved with a wonderful lady for almost a year. In fact, they're now engaged. When he and I first met, we were both single and had no ties to significant others. Anyway, over the weekend he told me that he appreciated the fact that I kept in touch with him - despite the fact that I'm now seriously involved with someone. Then we had this long conversation about people who disappear when they get involved, etc etc.
The way I look at it: my close friends are people that I've known for years. They've been there for me through some very rough times. Sure, we cannot see each other as much as we used to, but I would never just disappear. In this day and age, it takes all of ten seconds to write a quick text to say hello, or drop a message in someone's FB. And though I love my spouse dearly, sometimes it's nice to have some time either alone, or with friends just to take a breather and have a balance.
But I find the whole disappearing when you get involved rather strange. Has that ever happened to you?
Yes, this has happened to me in several different circumstances. Right now, I have a friend whose husband has been diagnosed with Myeloma which is a cancer of the blood platelets and there is no cure for it. I have offered my help in any way she needs it. They don't have a lot of money, no insurance, no car so things are pretty bad for them. I am retired and very comfortable financially with a healthy husband and have talked things over with him telling him I want to help her at least with the transportation part; perhaps more. I still haven't heard back from her and it has been a couple of weeks now. I am so sad about this whole thing as this guy was amazing to my son when I was raising my son alone...like a Dad to him.
I also have a niece who use to live with me and everytime she gets a boyfriend, I don't see her. She use to call me, we would go shopping together, out for lunch and she would come to our house and swim in our pool for the day. I have lent her money on several occasions. I haven't seen her now in almost 5 years. She has been with the same guy for that length of time with no indication that they are going to get married. It seems to be that she finds herself in a situation with guys who won't ask her to get married.
Yes...the disappearing act is strange and I think it happens because these people are afraid to step outside of their so called "security box" to actually relax and either take help offered or get away from their significant others for a day. I gave up on my niece but will keep trying to help my friend.
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Old 06-27-2013, 06:12 AM
 
3,506 posts, read 1,727,144 times
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friends are friends...not family.
if you are close to one another take a seat back and let them figure out where their life is headed and be there for them when they settle down again.
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Old 06-27-2013, 08:10 AM
 
Location: ON, Canada
5,191 posts, read 2,616,568 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Creativeguy504 View Post
I think it's only natural that the friendship will change once one or more parties get involved. I don't have as much time to see my friends, and neither does my close friend who is now engaged. We both understand that since we both got in relationships, things change. I'm happy for him, and he's happy for me.

But even though we don't see each other very often, we still regularly keep in touch. A quick five-minute text back and forth here...a Facebook post there. I think it's perfectly possible to be in a serious relationship, and still have a strong foundation with friends.
I agree! My SO has a core group of friends that have been friends for 20-30 years (he's 41). I know it's been difficult for him to adjust as friends got married and started families, and being the last of the group to get married. They see each other infrequently, which was the hardest part to get used to, however they have a rock solid foundation, texting and phone calls regularly. Their friendships haven't really changed, it's just the amount of time together has.
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Old 06-27-2013, 08:44 AM
 
Location: Middle America
18,098 posts, read 15,621,234 times
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I think the biggest determinant in this is who you define as family. To me, the bottom line is, "Family first." To some, their friends ARE their family. That's not so much the case for me. If my SO is a person I am building a life or future with, as opposed to someone I just met and have gone out with a couple of times, then he has family status, too. Whoever is my family is going to come first.
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Old 06-27-2013, 07:56 PM
 
Location: NY
28 posts, read 11,215 times
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As I have gotten older and matured, I have found it is healthier to keep a neutral perspective on things. It's easy to attach a negative perspective to someone; e.g., "they dissapeared, they weren't a friend anyways!" or "good friends don't disappear". Sometimes life isn't as cut and dry as this. In life 1+1 can equal 3. I say this as an introverted person who has poor social skills and has struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember, and it's always been hard to maintain my friendships. It sucks getting guilt tripped when you are genuinely trying the best you can, or you are in a point in your life where you self esteem is so low you think your friends are "better" off without you. So, please don't give up on friends that seem to "disappear". Maybe the person in question is truly a self centered jerk, or maybe they aren't. Food for thought.
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Old 06-27-2013, 10:09 PM
 
18,255 posts, read 17,635,017 times
Reputation: 18283
Quote:
Originally Posted by SophieLL View Post
He would be pissed you go help a friend in need?
You would be pissed he go help a friend in need?

wow, thank god you guys arent my friends!!!
A friend that is "feeling kind of down",(via FB even!) is certainly not a situation where I would break plans with my BF and say "will have to see you another day I have to go drink beers with my friend". That's about as inconsiderate as I have ever heard. And by TEXT no less. Sheesh. Yes, he would be more hurt than pissed, but both would be justified.

Last edited by ChessieMom; 06-27-2013 at 10:39 PM..
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