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Old 06-26-2013, 11:01 AM
 
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
5,900 posts, read 10,479,875 times
Reputation: 4494

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Never gonna do this again. Learned the hard way. I didnt "dissapear" on my friends, but i did have a very close best friends relationship with my SO of 7 years (we were actually best friends before starting going out) and i tended to isolate with him and do everything with him.

When he broke up with me, its like my world seemed to end. Thankfully, our proccess of breaking up was very long and i had time to make up new friends and reconnect with my old ones. Now this friends are the ones i treasure the MOST in the world. Even now that im going out with someone, my friends always come first.

This is a lesson not everyone learns, but is worth knowing. Keep your friends close, dont let go of them.


Just tonight i was gonna see my guy, and a friend just chatted with me on fb telling me he wanted to talk he was feeling kind of down. So i texted my guy and told him well see eachother other day, and ill go drink some beers with my friend
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Old 06-26-2013, 11:24 AM
 
Location: Canada
11,756 posts, read 11,946,202 times
Reputation: 30150
Quote:
Originally Posted by weezerfan84 View Post
It has nothing to do with coming in last. Quite honestly, for a couple who's late 20s and beyond, it's really hard to keep an abundance of single friends. For me, I've had to do more accomodating for my coupled/married friends then how they accomodate me. It's nothing against them at all. I used to feel bad about it, but I had to realize that they have taken more steps in life than I have and things have changed. That is all a part of life and there's nothing you can really do about it.

When I'm in a relationship, I spend less time with my friends too. I still make it to outings, but it's not like before where I would be available all the time. When you're the single one, you have to find ways to keep yourself entertained and yourself happy. Being single when you're older is tough, because you feel that life is passing you by so quickly.
Great post! I especially love the bolded part!

I think a problem with some friendships is having the expectation that nothing will change, and if it does, it's somehow wrong. That, and feeling that being friends with someone, for longer than they've been in a romantic relationship, takes precedence. It's natural that when you couple up and create your own family, friends become secondary to that. I have to admit though that putting your SO before your friends hasn't been an issue for me since I was about 20. This is a normal occurrence, like it or not.
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Old 06-26-2013, 11:34 AM
 
4,828 posts, read 4,260,844 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Liberty2011 View Post
Great post! I especially love the bolded part!

I think a problem with some friendships is having the expectation that nothing will change, and if it does, it's somehow wrong. That, and feeling that being friends with someone, for longer than they've been in a romantic relationship, takes precedence. It's natural that when you couple up and create your own family, friends become secondary to that. I have to admit though that putting your SO before your friends hasn't been an issue for me since I was about 20. This is a normal occurrence, like it or not.
I've put friends ahead of an SO before, dumbest mistake I've ever made. You have to have a balance and now I know that. No one wants to think things change, because friendships are forever. That statement is very much true, but they never discuss how the dynamic of those friendships change. You go through waves where you're closer and waves of where you're more distant. That's life in general, since it's full of peaks and valleys.
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Old 06-26-2013, 11:41 AM
 
2,758 posts, read 4,941,503 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by katykat01 View Post
Same here. I was always the single girl, who was left behind when all her friends found boyfriends and had to find new friends. So when those original friends were single and I wasn't, they got angry at me for not being around. How was I supposed to feel guilty about enjoying my wonderful partner just because they were suddenly single and wanted little to nothing to do with me while they had boyfriends?

Now that I'm older, I'm single again and most of my friends are married/engaged/etc., so it's hard for me to even get them to return phone calls half the time. I know where I stand at this point, so I'm looking forward to having someone reliable in my life again. Not that I don't love my friends, but I get tired of coming in last.



I think this is very common. Of men and women.

Very few groups of friends stay together when they enter relationships IME.
I do know of one group of people in their 20'a and 30's that composed of many people in relationships, and they regularly hung out together. I mean regular as in once a week. And I'm talking 10-12 people if not more. It was like a high school click, but some were 20's, and most were 30 and up.
A lot of the time, when people start having children, they will fall off the grid. Or when the hangovers start hurting more, and the partying just isnt worth it.
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Old 06-26-2013, 11:50 AM
 
Location: Canada
11,756 posts, read 11,946,202 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by weezerfan84 View Post
I've put friends ahead of an SO before, dumbest mistake I've ever made. You have to have a balance and now I know that. No one wants to think things change, because friendships are forever. That statement is very much true, but they never discuss how the dynamic of those friendships change. You go through waves where you're closer and waves of where you're more distant. That's life in general, since it's full of peaks and valleys.
That is so true!

I remember a couple of years ago, I had a young coworker in her early-20s (I was late 30s by this point) and she was really struggling with the life transitions and friendships. Many of her friends had no appreciation of the fact that she had a full-time job, lived in her own apartment, and was forming a relationship with the guy who will be her husband in a few months. These friends were not at the same stage of life she was, so rather than try to understand her, she became an outcast because she was changing the nature of their friendship.

I recall giving her advice to remind her she wasn't doing anything wrong for progressing through these natural phases of life, and that she was merely ahead of many of her peers. Nothing like being made to feel bad because life isn't one big party and free time to hang out with no responsibilities.
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Old 06-26-2013, 12:07 PM
 
2,758 posts, read 4,941,503 times
Reputation: 3014
Quote:
Originally Posted by SophieLL View Post
Never gonna do this again. Learned the hard way. I didnt "dissapear" on my friends, but i did have a very close best friends relationship with my SO of 7 years (we were actually best friends before starting going out) and i tended to isolate with him and do everything with him.

When he broke up with me, its like my world seemed to end. Thankfully, our proccess of breaking up was very long and i had time to make up new friends and reconnect with my old ones. Now this friends are the ones i treasure the MOST in the world. Even now that im going out with someone, my friends always come first.

This is a lesson not everyone learns, but is worth knowing. Keep your friends close, dont let go of them.


Just tonight i was gonna see my guy, and a friend just chatted with me on fb telling me he wanted to talk he was feeling kind of down. So i texted my guy and told him well see eachother other day, and ill go drink some beers with my friend


I am curious as to how this plays out in 6 months.
I have an extremely difficult time believing the bolded mentality would not be a dealbreaker once the s/o figures out you live like that.
I dated someone that shared the bolded mentality, like you.
It was brutal, and ultimately the worst relationship I was ever in.
I'm not saying you should disappear on your friends, but when people actively state the bolded, to me it is a red flag.
Due to my past experience, it is quite lkkely that if a woman ever again states the bolded to me in the future, I will most likely exit the relationship quickly, especially if she cancels plans with me to go hang out with her friends. Now, had you (she) invited me out WITH her friend, that is a whole different story.
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Old 06-26-2013, 02:28 PM
 
4,828 posts, read 4,260,844 times
Reputation: 4766
Quote:
Originally Posted by Liberty2011 View Post
That is so true!

I remember a couple of years ago, I had a young coworker in her early-20s (I was late 30s by this point) and she was really struggling with the life transitions and friendships. Many of her friends had no appreciation of the fact that she had a full-time job, lived in her own apartment, and was forming a relationship with the guy who will be her husband in a few months. These friends were not at the same stage of life she was, so rather than try to understand her, she became an outcast because she was changing the nature of their friendship.

I recall giving her advice to remind her she wasn't doing anything wrong for progressing through these natural phases of life, and that she was merely ahead of many of her peers. Nothing like being made to feel bad because life isn't one big party and free time to hang out with no responsibilities.
I used to be that loser type guy myself. What I found out is when I grew up, there was much more to life than just partying all the time. I understand why 21 year olds feel that way, but then you turn 25, you usually start to grow up.

At 29, I don't always like that my friends are married and have kids, and I'm still the single guy with a ton of freedom. Sometimes you do just wish that someone can come over and have a beer and watch the game. What we have to realize as humans is life doesn't revolve around us and it's not me me me. Once you realize that, the road of life will become a lot easier!
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Old 06-26-2013, 03:14 PM
 
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
5,900 posts, read 10,479,875 times
Reputation: 4494
Quote:
Originally Posted by AverageGuy2006 View Post
[/b]

I am curious as to how this plays out in 6 months.
I have an extremely difficult time believing the bolded mentality would not be a dealbreaker once the s/o figures out you live like that.
I dated someone that shared the bolded mentality, like you.
It was brutal, and ultimately the worst relationship I was ever in.
I'm not saying you should disappear on your friends, but when people actively state the bolded, to me it is a red flag.
Due to my past experience, it is quite lkkely that if a woman ever again states the bolded to me in the future, I will most likely exit the relationship quickly, especially if she cancels plans with me to go hang out with her friends. Now, had you (she) invited me out WITH her friend, that is a whole different story.
why? whats wrong with my mentality?? Its called having values, and loving my friends, and be there for a friend in need.

In this state in my life, i think friends are more important than romantic relationships. Again, i ve been in 2 very long term relationships (for 12 years) and i know ALL about putting your SO first. Believe me, its not worth it. Friends are more important than love. At least thats what i learned in life after living many things, maybe you will learn them in the future.
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Old 06-26-2013, 03:20 PM
 
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
5,900 posts, read 10,479,875 times
Reputation: 4494
Quote:
Originally Posted by weezerfan84 View Post
I used to be that loser type guy myself. What I found out is when I grew up, there was much more to life than just partying all the time. I understand why 21 year olds feel that way, but then you turn 25, you usually start to grow up.

At 29, I don't always like that my friends are married and have kids, and I'm still the single guy with a ton of freedom. Sometimes you do just wish that someone can come over and have a beer and watch the game. What we have to realize as humans is life doesn't revolve around us and it's not me me me. Once you realize that, the road of life will become a lot easier!
You should seek new friends that like to do what you like to do! Im 30, and i have tons of friends in their 30s who regullary meet for beers, we do cultural gatherings together, we go to a bar, etc. Theres not a defined age for doing this or that. I even have a very close friend in her 50s and her, me and my 29 year old friends we hang out and have millons of laughs very regullary.

Whats great about BIG CITIES.....none of this ridiculous perceptions (at 29-30 you should be married with kids and life is suddenly boring) hold much weight here. There are people of any ages doing anything. Different people. People for everyone. Millons things to do.

The bolded statement on your post is SO depressing!!! Whats the point in living like that?? And yes, your life does revolve around you and meeting great people and doing things you like is a big part of life that you DONT have to miss. If you are 21, 30 or 70. You DONT have to miss that. You can have fun and hang with friends at any age.
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Old 06-26-2013, 03:26 PM
 
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
5,900 posts, read 10,479,875 times
Reputation: 4494
Come on you guys, having great friends is one of the most important things in life!!!

People with no friends and only SOs are depressing and boring:


Queen - 'Friends Will Be Friends' - YouTube
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