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Although I don't expect to wait 2 years, not sure where that came from.
I hadn't considered the casual before committed relationship, that does seem to be true now that I am thinking about it.
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Originally Posted by NilaJones
It's really not. The closest you can get to that is to tell her that you will not be interested in a serious sexual relationship for at least two years (this is much more reasonable than your '6 months'), but that you would like to be platonic friends. Be prepared for her to react the way you would have before you were married, if a girl you had spent 3 or 4 weeks dating had said this to you.
But she might be very mature, and you might get a good friend out of the situation .
Down the road, if you find you want a serious relationship with her and she is still single, she might be interested, but it's unlikely. Some people can make the switch from romantic interest to friends, but few can switch back again. You will probably have to find someone else.
The other thing is, most people find they are ready for a casual relationship before they are ready for a committed one, after a major breakup. So if the mutual interest between you and her is serious-only, you will probably end up with a different, casual, gf before you come back to this one. And that will add its own layer of complexity.
The moral of this story: Find ways to meet your social needs that do not involve spending alone time with single, heterosexual women . Make some new guy friends, ones who are not married, for example. Join some meetup groups.
Although I don't expect to wait 2 years, not sure where that came from.
Just seems to be the average. Not for all forms of sex, but for a serious relationship eventually leading to a second marriage. Because, you know, that's what serious means...
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I hadn't considered the casual before committed relationship, that does seem to be true now that I am thinking about it.
Yeah.
As for your concerns about the dance group, and what if things don't work out, I don't think that's as much of a worry if she wants a 100% casual relationship. But it sounds like you think that is not what she wants.
I think what's changed about dating is that casual relationships are now more acceptable. And what that means is that it is very important to make sure that both parties want the same type of relationship -- serious or casual -- and that no-one is settling for the type they don't really want, or hoping the other person will change their mind down the road. You gotta communicate, and listen, very clearly at the outset.
OP - I think you're sabotaging yourself. Quit trying to label things and just focus on enjoying the company of another person. Who cares if it's a "date" or not? Can't two adults just go out to eat together?
You're making the same mistake I did post divorce (I'm 27, divorced out of a 10 year relationship/marriage about a year ago):
I started dating with a relationship mindset. I was use to having someone there, and I suppose I tried to substitute my ex-wife with someone new. I didn't like being alone, and wanted company. So I probably took things a little too seriously, instead of letting things run casually and naturally.
Then once the first girl I dated (after a 10 year relationship, and being 27) started saying "I love you," and asking if I'd move closer to her, talking about marriage - reality hit pretty hard. I DEFINITELY, did NOT want that, fresh out of a divorce. And I felt terrible.
But that's what it took to make me realize I wasn't approaching dating right. I was too use to being in a relationship, and not use to being alone, and single.
I think that's your problem.
You need to come to terms with being alone, with doing things alone, and finding hobbies/ways to grow as a person.
You need to stop looking at meeting women as something formal, that needs labels and rules - and just live it.
Don't lie, don't hide your intentions/people you're seeing, work on improving yourself, and learn how to be happy as a single person.
You're the one not allowing yourself to find companionship - because you're turning it unnecessarily into a serious relationship.
Do you want to be physical with her? Are you holding back out of respect for her because you know you don't want a serious relationship? I think if you put your cards out there on the table, then it's up to her if she wants to proceed or not. Maybe she's not looking for anything serious either, and you guys could just have fun together now and then, no strings attached. I think it's admirable you don't want to hurt her, but if you are 100% honest about your intentions, then it isn't your fault if she gets hurt. My only beef is with guys who say and do things they don't mean to get a woman to let her guard down, then when they get what they want they are out of there.
IMO, this^^^ is excellent advice, as is the post from theearthbeneathme.
I'm almost two years out of a 15 year marriage, and starting to settle down. Everyone is "ready" at their own time and pace, so you need to figure that one out for yourself. But my experience was that I had to date a few women to even begin to figure out what I did, or did not want. Honesty was the cornerstone of it all. Just be honest, you'd be surprised how many women are going to be like-minded with you. Not all, but if you're honest, you'll find the right ones.
As for your current interest, just be honest. Don't assume, don't do her thinking for her, and don't make it your responsibility to protect her from herself. Simply be honest (which is more challenging than you'd think, simply because you are likely still figuring out your own truth), and let her decide what is best for her. Surprisingly, there are many women who are interested in a relationship that is exclusive, but does not necessarily have a long-term plan. Basically, they are OK if you remain faithful and "just see where it all goes".
Also, realize that most relationships end it hurt. (Even your marriage, which I'm sure you both thought would last "until death".) Just saying you have to be willing to take some risks if you want the rewards. Be responsible and honest, but know that hurt is part of the equation. Don't let it deter you from moving your life forward, just be smart and take things at your own pace, and let others do the same.
Good luck. It's a challenging time you're in, but once you figure it out, it's definitely not all bad (nor is it all good, to be perfectly honest).
This may not have been the case with your wife, but, on average, women have the same sex drive as men (at your age -- women's drive increases and men's decreases, when you get a little older).
It's pretty unfair to lead a woman on and not put out.
Maybe what you really want right now are friends? Maybe you should look for friends who are men, or lesbians, or in committed relationships?
I'm not sure where he puts sex on the "sacredness" scale.
To the OP: As Nila says, having sex may be more like good "entertainment" for her, rather than a sign of ritual coupling. I think you should find out. Time and culture often stand still in a marriage, but you're not married any more. Experience the new world.
reset the ground rules/ parameters, expectations/limitations.....show her your cards,,,you dont want anything serious right now..
once you do mount her...it will be different, you are right about that,
She already knows I am not ready to be in a serious relationship. That hasn't seemed to be a deterrent for her, which I was a little surprised at, but after reading everyone else's responses, I guess that's not uncommon.
Yes, things would be different, that's the crux.
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Originally Posted by TheEarthBeneathMe
OP - I think you're sabotaging yourself. Quit trying to label things and just focus on enjoying the company of another person. Who cares if it's a "date" or not? Can't two adults just go out to eat together?
You need to come to terms with being alone, with doing things alone, and finding hobbies/ways to grow as a person.
You're the one not allowing yourself to find companionship - because you're turning it unnecessarily into a serious relationship.
I have been trying to tow the line of, it's just two people having dinner, not a date, etc. but I feel from the other side of the table, they are expecting it to be more. I've talked about this one girl specifically, but there have been two other girls who actually asked me to go have dinner with them (which btw, this never happens, I've always had to do the approaching in the past) and they were both quite forward that they were interested. I ended up passing on those two, just told them I wasn't ready, partially because I was already spending a bit of time with the girl whose the main topic of discussion. I didn't want to have three irons in the fire at once.
I have lots of my own hobbies and am totally comfortable being by myself. I enjoy doing some things with others and some things by myself. I don't think I am trying to fill my ex-wife's shoes.
I feel like I am trying to find companionship without a serious relationship and having trouble from the other side of the equation.
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Originally Posted by Myghost
As for your current interest, just be honest. Don't assume, don't do her thinking for her, and don't make it your responsibility to protect her from herself. Simply be honest (which is more challenging than you'd think, simply because you are likely still figuring out your own truth), and let her decide what is best for her. Surprisingly, there are many women who are interested in a relationship that is exclusive, but does not necessarily have a long-term plan. Basically, they are OK if you remain faithful and "just see where it all goes".
Also, realize that most relationships end it hurt. (Even your marriage, which I'm sure you both thought would last "until death".) Just saying you have to be willing to take some risks if you want the rewards. Be responsible and honest, but know that hurt is part of the equation. Don't let it deter you from moving your life forward, just be smart and take things at your own pace, and let others do the same.
I think that is good advice. I'll let this all roll around in my head and figure something out. I was just invited out to be her date this weekend for some group outing/dinner with some of her friends.
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Originally Posted by Frihed89
I'm not sure where he puts sex on the "sacredness" scale.
I wouldn't say it's the ultimate scared act like some would. I also would never voluntarily have an ONS.
If I'm going to put that notch in my bedpost, I would hope it'll continue for at least a little while. Not that I need to get married, but I don't want to jump from partner to partner either.
ONS, did i say that? Do you enjoy nightly entertainment? It's like going to the movies, only it usually doesn't last as long.
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