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lovesMountains - Thank you for such a heartfelt post.
About 6 years ago I took my wife to Tromso Norway in March (during the equinox. The best time to see the Aurora.) It was 30 below. We drank hot chocolate and held hands while watching the lights dance. I don't know why but I keep going back to that moment. It was pure joy. The kind of joy that only lasts seconds. But this lasted much longer. She was not much of an adventurer and only went on a few of 'my' trips. Although I took her on so many cruises and other trips, I can't count them.
We did start growing apart, which I take half the blame for but instead of her coming to me she went to another man. She probably left me in her mind a few years before I ever knew it.
My GF and I have been together for 1.5 years. I just moved in with her last month and it hasn't been easy. We have little in common and fight often. She is VERY aware of my situation and what I'm going through. She came into my life when I was in a very bad place; much worse than now. I warned her about me yet she stayed. I have tried to break up with her numerous times yet we stay together. I know it's wrong but I can't bring myself to leave. I have been honest with her about my feelings. Perhaps on some level I don't want her to experience the hurt I did. Nor do I want to go through another breakup. It's really not fair to either one of us. I suspect, part of my current unhappiness is this relationship.
Many people would rather have someone than no one. It apparently serves a purpose for both of you.
Look, I'm trying to have empathy here, and I certainly am down on people who cheat. But... This soul mate stuff makes me gag, frankly. Look, obviously, your wife wasn't your soul mate, because the term implies a certain mutuality, ya know?
2.5 years is quite long enough to wallow, and indicating you are helpless in how you treat your girlfriend and manage the relationship from your end is a little ridiculous.
Have you actually been to a therapist after all this stuff? Because you're exhibiting all the classic signs of a severe depression. It will not get better until you actually take some tangible steps beyond posting on an Internet chat board.
Your ex-wife is over you. If you want to martyr yourself to the memory of a relationship that was obviously not what you thought it was, you can keep on your current course. If you want things to change, you'll go look up therapists now and sign up to join a gym today.
lovesMountains - Thank you for such a heartfelt post.
About 6 years ago I took my wife to Tromso Norway in March (during the equinox. The best time to see the Aurora.) It was 30 below. We drank hot chocolate and held hands while watching the lights dance. I don't know why but I keep going back to that moment. It was pure joy. The kind of joy that only lasts seconds. But this lasted much longer. She was not much of an adventurer and only went on a few of 'my' trips. Although I took her on so many cruises and other trips, I can't count them.
We did start growing apart, which I take half the blame for but instead of her coming to me she went to another man. She probably left me in her mind a few years before I ever knew it.
My GF and I have been together for 1.5 years. I just moved in with her last month and it hasn't been easy. We have little in common and fight often. She is VERY aware of my situation and what I'm going through. She came into my life when I was in a very bad place; much worse than now. I warned her about me yet she stayed. I have tried to break up with her numerous times yet we stay together. I know it's wrong but I can't bring myself to leave. I have been honest with her about my feelings. Perhaps on some level I don't want her to experience the hurt I did. Nor do I want to go through another breakup. It's really not fair to either one of us. I suspect, part of my current unhappiness is this relationship.
wolfsearcher, you are so welcome. I AM sorry you are suffering
Ideally you want to do a post mortum on the marriage, take responsibility for your failings in it, accept her decision to end things and make a conscious choice to move on.
While memories like the one you describe above can be precious, ruminating on them will stall your progress.
If you haven't already, then do make an appt to see someone okay? You sound as though you need some help getting out of the morass of feelings you are mired down in.
And not to be mean, but your "girlfriend" has a few screws loose herself.
No emotionally healthy woman is going to touch a guy in your present state of mind with a 10 foot pole. The fact that you've "tried to break it off numerous times" and haven't actually done it means you two are feeding off of one another - not a good sign.
Please, make that appt - you need some professional guidance here to gain some much needed insight and skills to progress.
"I used to be and extreme mountain climber, diver and other things. Spending 5 days a week in the gym to train"
With all of these activities were you ignoring your wife when you were married?
LS Juan, I was wondering the same thing. There had to be a reason a wife of that many years had to finally turn to another man.
I think the OP needs to seek therapy and work out the reasons why his marriage ended the way it did, and the reasons from all people involved.
Also, being true to himself and the therapist about everything that happened throughout the years.
A therapist isn't there for you to impress him/her. They are there to listen, and help you solve your problems.
When my ex husband and I went to a therapist together it was not good. He actually promised to go to an an anger management therapist and boy did he ever build himself up to this guy.
I went in there and had no idea what the man was talking about when he approached me with all of the wonderful ways that my ex was to me.
I couldn't see going back. He had lied SOOOO much to the therapist to boost himself up that there was no way we were coming back from it, not with him. I didn't go back.
My friend who happens to be a man once told me when a man and woman break up the man seems to remember all the good things about the relationship and the woman remembers all the bad!
Start with small goals. Just for today set as a goal that you will walk down the street for 5 minutes.
Tomorrow set another small goal. The more small goals you accomplish day in and day out the better you will begin to feel about yourself.
Drive to your gym. Go in for 5 minutes. Stroll on a treadmill or do a few light weights, then leave. Promise yourself you'll only do a few minutes, no pressure.
Accomplishing little goals like this will get the ball rolling, I promise.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raena77
Good advice.
I agree with Raena, GREAT advice. I would like to add that perhaps some swimming might do you good, nothing too crazy, even if it's treading water briskly for a short while. There is something so peaceful and calming about being in water that revitalizes the soul (for me anyway), maybe it will lift your spirits up.
I was in a relatively happy marriage (At least I thought it was.) 2.5 years ago I discovered my wife was was having an affair. Shortly after, she left me. We were married 28 years. She remains with him today. At first I was so despondent I drank daily and lost 25 lbs. I eventually pulled out of that and have had varying moods. Some days are good, some not so good and some awful. One thing has never changed though. I live daily with an underlying sense of sadness, anxiety and regret with little or no motivation in this life, feeling all alone.
I used to be and extreme mountain climber, diver and other things. Spending 5 days a week in the gym to train. But this divorce blind sided me and knocked me down so hard, I still can't get up to even walk around the block. I walk around lost instead, not knowing where to turn or who to turn to. I virtually have no family with few exceptions. No one on her side has reached out to me once. I do have a GF who I live with. I've tried very hard to make things work but I just can't hide the things that haunt me and it's not fair to her.
My ex-wife was the love of my life and my soul mate. I've come to realize I'll always have a hole in my heart and live in this waking nightmare until G-D brings me peace.
Just brought tears to my eyes. I'm really sorry that happened to you my friend I pray God brings your soul healing,and restores to you all that the locust has stolen.
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. It apparently serves a purpose for both of you.
