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I have already said I will pay his way. I don't even need the money back-- he is making a sacrifice that I acknowledge by quitting a decent job and moving to a new city without a job. I don't care if I get my money back. HE is the one who is getting more and more freaked about the situation. What sense does it make for me to give him money only to have him pay me with the money I just gave him? I would rather he pick up some of the expenses once he gets a job. In my view, it will work out as I have a lot of confidence that he will find work quickly. And if he doesn't, we will still be okay.
How long have you guys been together? How do you fathom spending the rest of your life together?
My girlfriend got a promotion the same day that I got a new job 3 hours away. I make about 10x what she does, so she quit her job to come with me. I pay all the bills and did before, and all she was responsible for was her car payment, which her parents pay if she can't.
It's something that with both accepted due to the nature of my work. She could come with, or she could stay. I wouldn't do the long distance thing.
If you guys live together, and you're moving for YOUR job, I see no reason you couldn't foot the joint bills until he gets on his feet a bit. I mean his personal bills (cell phone, spending money, car payment etc) he can pay for. But if you guys plan on living together I see no reason you couldn't pay for the rent, utilities, event costs between you two (dinner, movies, etc) as well as groceries.
I mean, if you moved there on your own, you'd be paying all the rent, utilities, etc. anyways. Really all you'll be paying for with him is his food and when you guys do stuff.
Now if he has a lot of other bills, like I mentioned, maybe he needs to save a bit, ask family, wait, or save up some money. As to whether or not you want to loan it to him, that's totally your own call. He better be taking care of EVERYTHING around the house while you're working and he's looking for work. My gf makes me breakfast every morning, dinner every night, all the laundry, all the grocery shopping, etc. Granted she's found a part time job now, but I still foot the bills so it seems like a pretty even tradeoff.
It sounds like he is not happy with any of the options facing him, and is complaining instead of solving.
I would give him a deadline -- say, tomorrow 5pm -- to present to you a plan for how the finances will work, a plan that he has come up with all on his own without consulting you and that he is 100% ok with and will never complain about.
If the plan includes you loaning him money I think that's fine. In his shoes, I too would be more comfortable with borrowing a fixed sum than an open-ended 'I'll pay for everything'. I agree that there should be a legal contract.
The point is to get him to act like an adult and make choices, and take responsibility for those choices, rather than act like a kid/teenager who gets told what to do by others and then whines. I know you are not doing telling him what to do, but he is trying to make you do it.
And this is a compatibility test: Is he able to take responsibility for himself? Is he wiling to relate to you as two adults, not as your child?
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Strangely, he asked to borrow a lump sum of money from me to move, which is the equivalent of me giving money away and getting it back immediately. Does not make sense.
I don't understand. He wouldn't be able to pay you back until he has been working for a while, right?
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I am perturbed that he seems to think so highly of his family that he would not inconvenience them with such a request, but its fine to ask ME. That chaps my hide. Why is my money any less valuable than that of his precious family?
That was horrible thing for him to say, but maybe he did not mean it. Maybe he meant that you had already offered the money (in the form of paying for everything) and his family had not. Ask him.
Edit: I see you don't care about being paid back. Ok, then don't do the contract. But if he wants to call it a loan, maybe let him. If he does pay you back, free money!
A LOT of men, especially in their first relationships, have this problem of wanting to play teenager+mom instead of two equals. Maybe a lot of women do too, and I just don't run into them.
In our culture, we don't teach kids, growing up, how to interact as equals. We teach them hierarchy. For many people, their first serious relationship is the first time they are expected to share power evenly. And they just freak out.
Heck, I still run into this with 40-something men. It's one of the first things I screen for.
If he borrows a lump sum it will go something like this:
"I need 10K. Can I borrow it."
"Sure, here is a check for 10K. Oh BTW, we need to put down a deposit on our apartment in NYC, and your part is 6K."
"Oh, ok, here is 6K of your 10K back,"
"Thanks. We also need to get a new sofa and a smaller dining set. Your half of that is 1k."
"Here you go. There's another thousand back to you."
"And the all the other move in costs (utils, parking, etc.) come to $3k for your part."
"Here is the rest of the 10K you just loaned me."
See? I am paying for it myself anyway. Loaning him money just gives him the illusion that he has money to spend. He can pay me back when he is on his feet.
If he borrows a lump sum it will go something like this:
"I need 10K. Can I borrow it."
"Sure, here is a check for 10K. Oh BTW, we need to put down a deposit on our apartment in NYC, and your part is 6K."
"Oh, ok, here is 6K of your 10K back,"
"Thanks. We also need to get a new sofa and a smaller dining set. Your half of that is 1k."
"Here you go. There's another thousand back to you."
"And the all the other move in costs (utils, parking, etc.) come to $3k for your part."
"Here is the rest of the 10K you just loaned me."
See? I am paying for it myself anyway. Loaning him money just gives him the illusion that he has money to spend. He can pay me back when he is on his feet.
Ok. So, if that is what he is comfortable with, is it so awful? Aside from the family comment.
I am like him - I would prefer this scenario. I mean, it could be all on paper with no actual $$ changing hands. That would be less comfortable for me but still marginally ok. So I don't think he is completely insane .
Ok. So, if that is what he is comfortable with, is it so awful? Aside from the family comment.
I am like him - I would prefer this scenario. I mean, it could be all on paper with no actual $$ changing hands. That would be less comfortable for me but still marginally ok. So I don't think he is completely insane .
Its ME who isn't comfortable with this. First, I don't want to feel like a banker just handing out lumps of cash. That makes it hard for me to see myself as a partner and this as a romantic relationship--it would feel like a business arrangement. Second, this would set up a situation where I would get antsy about what he spent money on. If he used the money I loaned him for anything other than our general expenses with the house, move, etc. I would be annoyed. And I would notice. That makes me seem more like a parent who is tracking his allowance.
So, because there will be expenses, and because I would incur these expenses either way (with or without him), I am fully prepared to pay for things and let him pay me back at a later date. I am happy to tally this up and get his input on larger purchases that he might want to spend more conservatively on. But I really feel gross about writing a check.
Ok. So, what you are saying is that for emotional, philosophical reasons, the loan idea wouldn't work for you. It would feel un-partner-like and lead to you watching over his shoulder.
And he clearly has a strong emotional reaction to what has been going on so far. I am not saying you are the emo one, here . I think emotions are important!
The question is, is there a plan that will feel comfortable to both of you? And, I think, a bigger question is -- can you respect each other's feelings, even though you do not share them? Can you both see the other's feelings as important?
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