Single parents, I have to ask... (how to, marriage, men, loving)

[lilyflower3191981]

Originally Posted by srjth

Date single moms instead of childless women.

Definitely. This is the most practical advice for single dads.. But unfortunately, there are so many single fathers out there refuse to date single mothers. I can never understand why.

[Idon'tdateyou]

Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981

Definitely. This is the most practical advice for single dads.. But unfortunately, there are so many single fathers out there refuse to date single mothers. I can never understand why.

While I get a lot of flack here and offline for dating childless men only, the fact is often they seek me out because I am childless. I find it hypocritical when a man will say something like "single moms have drama" while he himself has drama too. One guy complained to me about childless women rejecting him and wouldn't date single moms because of the drama, only to find out he had drama. When I have told single dads to seek out single moms so many have excuses.

[lilyflower3191981]

Originally Posted by Idon'tdateyou

While I get a lot of flack here and offline for dating childless men only, the fact is often they seek me out because I am childless. I find it hypocritical when a man will say something like "single moms have drama" while he himself has drama too. One guy complained to me about childless women rejecting him and wouldn't date single moms because of the drama, only to find out he had drama. When I have told single dads to seek out single moms so many have excuses.

Yes I've noticed this too. Maybe single mothers will be different most of the single mothers I know seem to have no problems dating single fathers.

But single fathers (especially those who have great jobs, decent income) always want to date childless single girls who are still in their 20s. My ex (a single father) once told me, he would never date a single mother because single mothers always put their kids first.

He never gave me the whole "my kid comes first" speech, but something else got in the way of our relationship, his own mother! lol

[Idon'tdateyou]

Originally Posted by mitopcat

I have to say single fathers have the hardest time dating.

From personal experience, most of the women I had interest in didn't like the fact I have a child. I don't know what it was but they didn't seem interested. I sometimes lied, told them I was just single and childless. I eventually told them I lied, that I have a daughter, and in which they turned around and simply walked away.

That was a long time ago, though. I felt guilty lying to these women and trying to hide my daughter, just to get into a women's pants.

Now, I just don't bother with dating. Unless someone does come my way, but it'll be my daughter before anyone.

Don't seek out women without an interest in dating a man with a child. When I did online dating my profile clearly stated "no dads" yet they contacted me and would get mad if I turned them down. Some women don't like kids, others do but not the other issues. For me it's not the kids but the other issues. I don't want to come after the children I had no role in creating, I don't want to deal with the issues with the ex nor do I want the financial aspects. I don't want to support someone else's family or not be able to go on a date because he can't afford it or can't because of his kids. Most of these issues came up when dating men with kids and while I didn't marry these guys I have no doubt they'd be worse had I married them.

[Idon'tdateyou]

Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981

Yes I've noticed this too. Maybe single mothers will be different most of the single mothers I know seem to have no problems dating single fathers.

But single fathers (especially those who have great jobs, decent income) always want to date childless single girls who are still in her 20s. My ex (a single father) once told me, he would never date a single mother because single mothers always put their kids first.

He never gave me the whole "my kid comes first" speech, but something else got in the way of our relationship, his own mother! lol

Outside of my weird cousin (that whole side is weird but I digress)most single moms I know have no issue with dating single dads. I have noticed that too with the better looking more successful dads wanting to date younger childless women which I have never known why. In my 20's I dated a few of these men because people told me to give them a chance and their issues were so bad since then I avoid dads. The funny thing is many of the dads who have contacted me on dating sites were usually men I wasn't attracted to anyway working mid level jobs and when I rejected them got mad and quite a few said I should be happy to get any attention. I couldn't believe it, especially when they were nasty (and they usually were).

[CSD610]

Originally Posted by Mikala43

I would guess that single women have it harder because they usually have custody so have the kids more often.

When I was dating I would have preferred a man with no (or grown) children.... but married a man with kids, and it's nice. Despite the fact that DH and son are cooking tonight..... I suspect we will eat around midnight. /lol

Order out pizza on speed dial is my only advice for that particular situation, just in case.

[Hypersion]

In my personal experience single mother's can be fun but it gets old fast with tons of drama both financially and relationship wise.

[dr74]

Originally Posted by srjth

The only thing that makes it different is not having as much freedom to be spontaneous and just take off anywhere you want like you could when you were childless. You free time is less than before if you have shared custody, and even less if you have full custody. I have shared custody and find that I have more free time than when I was married. (something I never thought about when I got divorced, that I'd end up getting a break/time without the kids by not living together anymore).

As for social stigma, I've not experienced any negativity IRL. In dating though, the person you date or marry will probably always feel negatively towards your child's mother/father. There won't be drama if all parties are mature but the ex will never exactly be a favorite person to your new love.

I really like this post and agree with it a hundred percent...

I will add to it by stating I feel the same as you in that both genders have dating issues with dating and the time to do it…

I am a single mother and I also prefer to date men that have NO children or whose children are older…

I am not stating that I feel I am too good to date a man whom has no children however dating a man with a child poses a different set of issues…

Based on the few experiences I have had before I decided to no longer date men with children are as follows,

1. Being that we are both single parents and have either Sole custody with visitation going to the other parent or The other parent having only visitation , chances are that it is very seldom that “our” free time ( schedules ) will ever be the same..Meaning we are going around the issues rearranging visitation schedules with our ex’s in order to be able to see one another.
Or having family members/friends babysit for us which detracts from the time we should be spending with our children…It becomes to much of a hassle and is unfair for the kids and upset to their routine….

2. The raising of the children ( morals, ethics, values) It is seldom that you find another single parent whom shares your pov when it comes to child rearing…and this causes issues…

I.E.
I am very protective of my son…I have raised him to be a respectful young man who respects others and himself..this means people whom are different than him and adults.
Most importantly I have raised him to respect me as his mother…

That being said I dated a guy for 4 months and I had no plans on allowing him to meet my son until I was sure about the relationship.
He had 2 children as well one was 9 at the time and the other child was 2 years younger than my son at the time (12) my son was 14.

The schedules matched up he had his kids the same weekend I had my son so this was no issue..However the childrens mother decided to gump the kids with my now ex b/f and stated that if the children stayed they would get hurt ( I guess the step father of three years did not like the children)
So my ex stated the kids were going to live with him until further notice. I stated ok and we would see each other when we could ( If he could get his parents to sit once in awhile)
This infuriated him and he could not understand why I was so against bringing the kids into the mix it would so much easier…? I had my beliefs..

Until one day close to the end of our relationship…It was his bday and he stated that he had worked it out with his parents to take the kids so we could catch a movie and I was okay with this. I was to drop off his present and his parents were to go and get the children before hand.

Well I showed up and saw two kids running around the yard squirting each other with water pistols. I was upset because they were there and I was not ready to meet them but I am not rude either..
I was introduced to the children and they were nice enough..Well as my ex stated to them that they needed to put their guns away because their grandparents were coming they ignored him and still kept running around and getting each other wet. They were both fighting and my ex told them to stop they did not listen to him..He finally got up and tried to get “stern” and stated “Im serious you guys are getting all wet and you do not have any clothes here.”
They laughed and turned the guns on him and started getting him wet all in front of me?
Then he got embarrassed and started chasing them to get the guns and the girl ( 12 year old) stopped in front of me and smiled and pointed the gun at me?” I put my hand up in front of the gun and stated “Don’t you dare.”
She laughed and ran away…ugg
After 20 minutes my ex finally grabbed the guns and got their things and we were waiting. We get a call that his folks were not going to get them and we had to take them?
So the kids ask to go to the store and get a drink? Their dad looks at me and I shake my head yes. Well they run towards my car?

But before we even get in MY car? I see a family walking down the street like taking a walk since the evening was nice (It was summer) and their adult child had Down Syndrome and he looked happy just to be out with his parents walking.
Well one of my ex’s BRATS ( The girl )
She states to me “Watch, look at his face it is so weird, ahahaha”
Her bratty brother starts to chuckle making me think after visiting their father so many times prior to this they saw this kid..
I could not longer hold in my feelings being that making fun of special needs is one of my biggest pet peeves and has been since I was a child.

I stated ‘Don’t you ever say that again.” She looked at me surprised and then sulked like a brat.
We go to the market and my ex tells me “I do not have that much cash on me” Maybe because the kids were running through the store and opening all the drink doors and running down aisles…
I was mortified…
I stated “That’s fine” So they bring me drinks, candy and snacks…All totaling 25.00 ..The amount of money did not bother me but the behavior did, they were like animals…

So we leave and I drive them to their grandparents home back in my city ( My ex lived 25 minutes away by freeway)
We drop them off and then go back to his home so he can get a jacket and we can finally go to the movies..His father calls and asks why we did not drop off his kids meds? ( His son is ADHD) …
By this time we were already back in my town and I tell my ex bf, “Look we are going to miss the movie I will drive you home and you could get the meds for your kid)
I am so over everything by this time and I drop him off and am ready to go home and he has the audacity to state “Hey I am going to get you the meds since you are headed back home anyway, you do not have to get off, I will tell my son to meet you outside and you can give him the meds?”

I was instantly projecting into the future…This guy and their mother were completely and 100% at fault for the way their children are..These children lacked guidance and proper ettiquette as well as behavior…
My ex b/f was looking for a mother for his children not a g/f,…He wanted someone to raise his kids since he was so inept of doing so…
I looked at him aquare in his eyes and stated without skipping a beat, “Umm No, YOU ARE HIS FATHER AND HIS MEDICATIONS and him taking them is YOUR responsibility and not mine. I would never ask YOU to do this for my son because I am HIS mother and RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS NEEDS AND wants..”
He looked at me like I punched him and stated ‘Are you serious?”
I stated “This is me leaving so make up your mind whether I am serious or not.”
The other guys I have dated? Even though their children were older?
I found out all of his children ranging from 17-26 ( He had 4 3 girls and a boy) The boy was 17, the girls were 20, 22, 26) were avid pot smokers, not one but all of them and he was a corrections officer? WOW!
The other guy I dated? Had 2 kids a boy (12) and daughter (22) His son he had not seen in half a year and his daughter had 3 kids going on her 4th?

This is not how I am raising son..I do not plan for my son to see these examples and then asking why it is okay for these kids to behave like this?
UGGGGGGG! I know it is a long story but hopefully It makes sense to some

[Draconess]

Originally Posted by Raena77

I'd date a single dad.

Me too! I think it's sweet watching some men interact with children.

[highlife2]

I think it depends on how attractive parent is, I think the single parent factor brings both genders down equally but if the guy is marginally attractive and was already at a dating index of 5 now he subtracts 2 points for being a dad he is going to be in a desperate situation, one that is not healthy for his kid unless his sex drive is so low he does not care.

If a woman is a hot blond with a dating index of 8 or 9 and subtracts 2 she is still going to appear to not have TOO much trouble, in fact I think if the person is marginal or ugly they subtract 2 if they are hot they only subtract 1 regardless of gender.

A less attractive parent might make more desperate decisions that could impact their kid but them being depressed is not helping their kid either.