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Hi everyone. I've been off the board for a couple of days. Pretty glum over all this. My guy and I have talked about it a few times and basically he says he thinks he wants a break to think things over and the future.
I apologized over and over like two dozen times. I said it was just a ridiculous stupid thing that came out of my mouth before I had a chance to think - and that was the truth. I explained that I loved him and that I could care less about size and that he was perfect for me - otherwise we wouldn't be engaged to be married.
I was expecting lots of shouting and stuff but he didn't. He said he's hurt and feels like a fool because he thinks I think he's small and probably not good enough. Also there's the huge issue in his mind that it came out in front of other people. I tried to downplay all that and said that everybody was drunk, it was loud at the party and that probably nobody else heard. He thinks that for sure my girfriend knows and that even if others didn't hear, she has probably blabbed to others in our circle. He just feels like he lost face and doesn't know how to face our friends again.
I had coffee with my girlfriend and unfortunately she did hear. Anyway, I told her under penalty of death to not ever tell anybody else. She promised she wouldn't and I believe her. She likes Ian - there's never been any isue. She and I have been best friends forever. She apologized for bringing it up. She said she was just being stupid and silly. It's just that maybe others did hear at the party.
She asked me if Ian was always sensitive about this and I said a bit. She asked if he was really small and I said no. She asked how small and I made a length between my fingers. Anyway, she said that she's had smaller and that this wasn't huge but it wasn't way small either. I guess maybe the guys I've been with may have been bigger than average and that why Ian's looked a bit smaller.
So even though I'm giving him all the space he wants, he hasn't really gotten better and I don't know what to do. I tried "dressing up sexy" for him but he just wasn't interested.
So I don't know how to go forward. Any suggestions now would be more than welcome. I know I really f-ed up. I just don't want to lose a great guy, MY great guy, over this
If you can show the length using one hand, he is small.
I don't know what you can do about his embarrassment in front of the friends. Of course, breaking up won't change it. (Actually it might make it worse because they might think his size is the reason.)
As for convincing him you don't mind, all you can do is ask him if he thinks you would lie, or if he thinks you would marry him if the sex wasn't awesome. Have him look at what he knows of you: Would you do that?
I'm concerned about whether he feels he can trust you about other stuff, and have faith that you have his back. Has he said anything about that?
He hasn't mentioned anything about trust. He says he feels belittled and figures everybody in the group we were with has told everybody else. I'm really not sure if others heard. I'm wondering if maybe I should tell the people that were in our group that I was kidding and that it came out as a tasteless joke - of course I would be very tactful and careful. Maybe that would make a difference
Last edited by WorriedLiz; 07-13-2013 at 05:36 PM..
He hasn't mentioned anything about trust. He says he feels belittled and figures everybody in the group we were with has told everybody else. I'm really not sure if others heard. I'm wondering if maybe I should tell the people that were in our group that I was kidding and that it came out as a tasteless joke - of course I would be very tactful and careful. Maybe that would make a difference
I think it would be good if that was the official version of what happened .
I don't get it. What do you mean official version?
It was a little bit of a joke about how governments and security services operate. Not really relevant. (Sometimes what really happened and the 'official version' are different.)
What I mean is, that should be what you tell anyone who brings the topic up, even if it's years from now. It was an attempt at a terribly inappropriate joke. (Don't say, 'joke that flopped' ).
What I don't know is what, if anything, you can do to spread that story now, that won't just cement it in people's minds and/or make them think you doth protest too much. I am hoping someone very socially intelligent will step in here with some advice.
Quote:
I'm just not sure if approaching them to diffuse all this is a good idea
He hasn't mentioned anything about trust. He says he feels belittled and figures everybody in the group we were with has told everybody else. I'm really not sure if others heard. I'm wondering if maybe I should tell the people that were in our group that I was kidding and that it came out as a tasteless joke - of course I would be very tactful and careful. Maybe that would make a difference
You need to stop talking about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stop talking to your "best" GF, STOP for the love of GOD demonstrating how small he is with your hand, and STOP talking about it.
DO NOT try to make it better. You will only make things worse.
In fact, I will bet you a million billion dollars she has already told two other people.
Have you never heard the phrase, "The lady doth protest too much?" The more you try to say, "He's not really small, guys! I swear! I was just kidding! ha ha He's not small at all!", the more they will know you are trying to save face.
You need to stop talking about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stop talking to your "best" GF, STOP for the love of GOD demonstrating how small he is with your hand, and STOP talking about it.
This.
Your actions at this point are causing the damage.
Like with children, when something supposebly traumatic occurs to them, often they may not be aware of the severity of the issue, or even that it is an issue. Its the (over re-) actions of the adults that measures the severity and frames it for them. What otherwise may have gone unnoticed, is suddenly met with "you poor child!! That must of been soo horrible for you!! " as the adult cues them and causes harm.
You're doing that at this point. Let it pass. If he leaves you over this, you guys were not ready for marriage to begin with.
Sent from my galaxy s3
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