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Why retreat? It depends on the person. I know when I was divorcing my second husband I felt like such a failure and was totally embarrassed that yet another marriage ended that I rarely talked to anyone about it. The only reason people found out was because I changed my name back to my maiden name. I know many times people feel like failures when their marriage ends.....so they withdraw out of embarrassment.
Why lie? Save face with you. Make themselves look like the victim, to get sympathy. Or maybe they really did think they weren't lying. Sometimes, people see a specific person as being very special, so special that it's not cheating to them. It could be anything. It just depends on the person. Besides, in all honesty, Jill could be lying too or embellishing the truth. Do we really know? Just because she sounds like she's telling the truth, is she really? Lots of women will bash a man. IMHO, if you do it on publicly on FB, then you have issues yourself and want people to feel sorry for you and well, you want to be the victim. Question is, with people like that, how much are they lying....to get the attention?
Four stories that apply to your questions.
My XH claimed he didn't cheat on me. He would never say so. Even after we were divorced, I told him to come clean because I didn't care anymore. He denied it. 10 years later a friend shows me a wedding website. It's of my XH and his now fiance. Their "first date" anniversary date is about 6 months after we got married (and were still married). Their "official commitment" anniversary date is about 1 year after we got married (yup, still married, but barely). So I have proof that he did in fact cheat on me. So why lie to the woman you're divorced from and obviously didn't give a damn about? Ever here the song "wasn't me"? Yeah, that's why I think men/women will lie to people.
My two friends got married and within 6 months separated. I heard her side. I heard his. To be quite frank, I have no idea who to believe. She posts of FB all the crap he does (but doesn't name him). He said all that she claims he did, he did do, but 10 years ago when they were first dating, and he thought after they discussed all that back then, they moved on. So. She is telling to the truth, but for old stuff? Or is he lying and saying it's old stuff when it's not? Who knows. I gave up trying to figure it out.
My XBF would basically cheat with me (I didn't know it at the time, we had broken up, but talked about getting back together). He had a gf, but we'd sext a lot and discuss our future, etc. He said, "I'm not cheating, because it's you". Because we always had a special connection. Um, so that's his excuse for cheating on his now wife.
My 2nd XH tells everyone that I left him because he lost his job. So everyone things when the going gets tough, psichick just ups and leaves the guy without a job. Everyone feels sorry for him and hates me. Oh yeah, he makes sure he is 100% the victim. BTW, I told him to quit his job. I supported him for 2 years. One reason I left is because during those two years, he maxed out all his credit cards and wouldn't stop buying stuff. But he fails to tell everyone that part because he likes not being liable for the divorce. He gets people to feel sorry for him, he gets attention and sympathy. He gets them to hate me.
Why retreat? It depends on the person. I know when I was divorcing my second husband I felt like such a failure and was totally embarrassed that yet another marriage ended that I rarely talked to anyone about it. The only reason people found out was because I changed my name back to my maiden name. I know many times people feel like failures when their marriage ends.....so they withdraw out of embarrassment.
Why lie? Save face with you. Make themselves look like the victim, to get sympathy. Or maybe they really did think they weren't lying. Sometimes, people see a specific person as being very special, so special that it's not cheating to them. It could be anything. It just depends on the person. Besides, in all honesty, Jill could be lying too or embellishing the truth. Do we really know? Just because she sounds like she's telling the truth, is she really? Lots of women will bash a man. IMHO, if you do it on publicly on FB, then you have issues yourself and want people to feel sorry for you and well, you want to be the victim. Question is, with people like that, how much are they lying....to get the attention?
Four stories that apply to your questions.
My XH claimed he didn't cheat on me. He would never say so. Even after we were divorced, I told him to come clean because I didn't care anymore. He denied it. 10 years later a friend shows me a wedding website. It's of my XH and his now fiance. Their "first date" anniversary date is about 6 months after we got married (and were still married). Their "official commitment" anniversary date is about 1 year after we got married (yup, still married, but barely). So I have proof that he did in fact cheat on me. So why lie to the woman you're divorced from and obviously didn't give a damn about? Ever here the song "wasn't me"? Yeah, that's why I think men/women will lie to people.
My two friends got married and within 6 months separated. I heard her side. I heard his. To be quite frank, I have no idea who to believe. She posts of FB all the crap he does (but doesn't name him). He said all that she claims he did, he did do, but 10 years ago when they were first dating, and he thought after they discussed all that back then, they moved on. So. She is telling to the truth, but for old stuff? Or is he lying and saying it's old stuff when it's not? Who knows. I gave up trying to figure it out.
My XBF would basically cheat with me (I didn't know it at the time, we had broken up, but talked about getting back together). He had a gf, but we'd sext a lot and discuss our future, etc. He said, "I'm not cheating, because it's you". Because we always had a special connection. Um, so that's his excuse for cheating on his now wife.
My 2nd XH tells everyone that I left him because he lost his job. So everyone things when the going gets tough, psichick just ups and leaves the guy without a job. Everyone feels sorry for him and hates me. Oh yeah, he makes sure he is 100% the victim. BTW, I told him to quit his job. I supported him for 2 years. One reason I left is because during those two years, he maxed out all his credit cards and wouldn't stop buying stuff. But he fails to tell everyone that part because he likes not being liable for the divorce. He gets people to feel sorry for him, he gets attention and sympathy. He gets them to hate me.
Thanks for sharing these stories with me. With more and more time having passed, I figure they will both continue to "embellish" facts to prove their side.
I don't deny Jill was capable of being manipulative, but however b/tchy she might've been to Rick, Jill never committed adultery.
As other posters said earlier, I'm being more cautious with Rick. Not that I want to judge him, but it's what somebody said on this forum many years ago: if a man is willing and able to deceive and lie to his wife - the one person he has sworn in public to be faithful to - why would it be difficult for him to deceive and lie to his buddies?
I am convinced Rick cheated not only because Jill's story sounds plausible, but also because two people confirmed it to me: the clergyperson who married them and Rick's sister-in-law, who talked to me about what Jill told her (with graphic details of evidence Jill found) and in much anger, as this sister-in-law has two married sisters and said if any of her brothers-in-law did to her sisters what Rick did to Jill, she would've stabbed them. The clergyperson simply said, "Sprawling, let him go, he's got many issues. He had an affair; he needs help." (Oddly enough, later on, when I spoke to the clergyperson about it months later, the clergyperson said, "I cannot answer that." And Rick's sister-in-law appeared to backtrack and said, "you'll have to ask Rick." Strange. Had either of them been given proof Jill's accusations had been untrue after all, why would they have not said, "I was wrong - Rick didn't commit an affair.")
Good thing about being older is that I learn to pick friends more wisely.
Thanks for sharing these stories with me. With more and more time having passed, I figure they will both continue to "embellish" facts to prove their side.
I don't deny Jill was capable of being manipulative, but however b/tchy she might've been to Rick, Jill never committed adultery.
As other posters said earlier, I'm being more cautious with Rick. Not that I want to judge him, but it's what somebody said on this forum many years ago: if a man is willing and able to deceive and lie to his wife - the one person he has sworn in public to be faithful to - why would it be difficult for him to deceive and lie to his buddies?
I am convinced Rick cheated not only because Jill's story sounds plausible, but also because two people confirmed it to me: the clergyperson who married them and Rick's sister-in-law, who talked to me about what Jill told her (with graphic details of evidence Jill found) and in much anger, as this sister-in-law has two married sisters and said if any of her brothers-in-law did to her sisters what Rick did to Jill, she would've stabbed them. The clergyperson simply said, "Sprawling, let him go, he's got many issues. He had an affair; he needs help." (Oddly enough, later on, when I spoke to the clergyperson about it months later, the clergyperson said, "I cannot answer that." And Rick's sister-in-law appeared to backtrack and said, "you'll have to ask Rick." Strange. Had either of them been given proof Jill's accusations had been untrue after all, why would they have not said, "I was wrong - Rick didn't commit an affair.")
Good thing about being older is that I learn to pick friends more wisely.
I'm going to be flat out honest here. You don't know what either of them truly did or did not do. Only they know. Once I learned this saying, I live by it. There's three sides to a story, his, hers, and the truth (adjust the sexes as necessary). Who's to truly say Jill didn't cheat? Do you know that for a fact? Or because she told you? Did Rick really cheat? I mean, you're going off of what Jill told both the clergyman and SIL, of which she could have lied to both.
People lie. Pure and simple. When people get divorced, not always, but many times, those people become angry, hateful, spiteful, liars because they don't want to be blamed for the divorce. I'm serious. I have seen it a ton of times. People change when divorce ensues.
I am in no way saying Jill nor Rick are liars. But I am saying this, you have to decide who to trust and even then you could be choosing the wrong side. If the two people are backtracking, then something of the story is off about Jill's stories. Or maybe she's now realizing how harmful it is to herself, even, to put all that out to the public per se.
I've seen too many instances where divorcing couples say things to hurt one another to truly believe anything that they say until they are past it and over it. Usually then, they'll be honest with people. (BTW, my cousin and her son's dad accused one another of drug usage during their custody battle. They both had to be drug tested, the courts interviewed a ton of their friends, cops got involved taking the kid away from one party to the other, etc, it got ugly! And in the end, they both knew that neither of them were doing drugs, they were just angry). It's why I listen, but I only believe half the things I hear.
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