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L has had a total and complete meltdown. She just cannot go from being with him to cominghere and bam having to do homework. She just screams over and over I dont care I dont care. On and on.
She was very harsh and hard to deal with. A consoled me, It will be ok Mommy. It will be ok, I lvoe you Mommy.
I used to have panic attacks. I feel I have had one, either that, or God forbid, a heart attack. I used to have chest pains and was tested and tested, with no medical reason, until I would have no more tests.
Getting ready for a headache and see what this nitro does for me..
Hi All, Robyn, sorry I'm not posting as much these days, still living out of boxes and working to have enough in order to have Christmas Eve with the family here.
Anyway, you really have your hands full dealing with this a$$hole! Try not to give ib much air time or to have your family speak for you.
I'm in full agreement with just about everybody's (eloquent) advice, just inform him of your plans next week, don't comment on anything he says about it. Legally he deserves to know (1)it's not his weekend on and, (2) where the kids will be...thereafter it's click, click, click.
Sun is right on ~ you need to practice in a mirror and alone in the car OUT LOUD This conversation isn't happening!" Click!, "No Way!" Click!, "Not going there! Click!...these are things you can practice, and then make it work by sticking to it. IB will not believe you mean it, until you (yourself) stand up for and stick to what you say. DON'T ASK ANYTHING, INFORM HIM ~ and you don't need your brothers to do the talking for you, you are a very strong young woman.
The children should not be privy to these discussions, and you might consider bringing up (in custody court) how he routinely includes them in your conversations. He is a brute...I hope he moves on soon. I'm sorry for the children, but this is one situation where I think they will be less-damaged by his absence, than by his visitation behavior.
Makes perfect sense that you would be having panicky feelings, you are dealing with an intimidating unknown every single day with this nut ~ try to relax, and I think you will see that some of the kids' angst might be coming from seeing you so unnerved. You've got enough evidence on this guy that I'll be shocked if he gets much visitation granted, but you need to not give him any time to talk - cut him off asap - "speak to my lawyer." Learn to put on a false smile and say things like "take care" "we'll talk later" whatever...just don't listen to him...talk right over him and then walk away, or click the phone.
Tried to rep everyone, but couldn't - you all deserve it!
Hugs to all, don't forget me, I'll be on whenever I can. Peace!
Feeling better this morning, fatigued a little. L was so sweet last night, after it all. She kept apologizing, saying she shouldn't have done what she did, shouldn't have taken it out on me.
I layed on the couch for a while until I felt better, and went up to bed. Lucy slept with me last night, and the night before. She must think I am lonely for attention, she snuggles up right next to me, for the night.
The kids are getting dressed and ready for school right now, very cooperative. A was able to complete his homework last night, but L was not, and there was not.
I am not smarter than a 5th grader. Know the show? They are doing things I have never seen before in my life! But as soon as I figured it out, she was so aggravated and yelling, and out of control, there was no dealing with her.
I suppose she will just have to work on it at school today, I don't know. I have told As teachers about the no homework rule, I guess its time to tell hers as well.
I'll bring that note, dated and written by him to mediation. Along with the holiday schedule he wants me to bring, the same one he told me meant nothing anymore.
Coffee is good today, no tink mug though. I added a couple of more ornaments to the tree last night, but L got into her rage, I had to stop....or I would have been throwing ornaments, all I can do is laugh about it now.
My son, consoling me, it will be ok Mommy, it will be ok. My daughter, apologizing, Mommy I shouldn't have done that, I am sorry, I should have not done that.
She has never apologized after doing that before. Wonder why this time. And it was heartfelt, and she was upset that she had done it. There has been some sort of change, or maybe this was not her normal Aspergers meltdown. Maybe this was a meltdown of her heart, of her mind, having nothing to do with the Aspergers and some of the social limitations, and language problems.
Not that L is on the low side, far from it. She is very High functioning, a very smart young lady. But this was seemingly different. When I look back, this was more a 'normal' upsetedness. This was more of what I would think a hormonal, girl her age, talking back, etc, meltdown.
It was , indeed, different than normal. I can see that, now that I am calm, and looking back at it. And especially her coming downstairs, wrapped in her towel, still soaked from the shower, Mommy, I am so sorry for taking that out on you, I should not have done it.
I said its ok baby, and she said, but Mommy, its not ok. At that time, I was sitting here holding my chest and had taken a nitro. tears rolling down my face. I just hugged her tightly and told her how much I loved her, she took my chin and said, "Do I see a smile, Mommy?"
God I love those children. They mean more than the world to me. More than anything. I am kind of happy tearful right now, a little not melancholy, but something, after last night, and after my children have consoled me, after my birthday, and last night, even after L was very hostile w me and everything.
They have sweet souls. They have him, but they have me. They have me. And I can see it so plainly, so clearly.
I think of him, and the type of person he is, and how he beves, and I think of the kids. Soemtimes I see a twinge of him in them, but it is inevitable. They grew up with him, he is their father, they have some of his character traits.
But they also have all of the love and affection I have given them over the years, my character traits, and my discipline. They have my respect. Every person needs respect. Not every person gets respect, but every person needs respect.
My son has gained so much self esteem since we left, I don't think he realizes it, but it so ever prominant, compared to what he was. I am so proud of him. He has friends, he plays basketball at school. He just is.
L has friends too. She sits at lunch with the 'regular' kids. No longer does she think every single person is bullying her. She talks to kids on the phone. Just so many things. So many things between both kids.
I was so worried that taking them from what they knew would harm them, I don't know why, I guess inside me I was afraid, I was myself starting a journey into the unknown, I still am. But it is working. We are doing well.
Where is the love is behind me. A new day has dawned lingers, I am in a new season... I am somewhere, but thanking the Lord everyday, that I am no longer there, listening for the angry truck, but I am here, knowing that there was once an angry truck, that never again I have to worry about again.
I saw that angry truck again last night, hauling my appliances to wherever. Didn't look so angry to me. Just looked like the piece of crap that it is.
Where is the love is behind me. A new day has dawned lingers, I am in a new season... I am somewhere, but thanking the Lord everyday, that I am no longer there, listening for the angry truck, but I am here, knowing that there was once an angry truck, that never again I have to worry about again.
I saw that angry truck again last night, hauling my appliances to wherever. Didn't look so angry to me. Just looked like the piece of crap that it is.
Ok, now is the time to take everything that you have learned and experienced and start applying it.
Youdon't have to be angry,youdon't have to be nasty but, you don't have to put up with his crap anymore. You've proven it, you've broken the cycle of abuse.
You give him power over you every time you indulge him in one of his nasty rants, every time you give into one of his demands...."I will pick up the kids...blah blah blah" Until you can stand up to him and say "No, you're not, this is the way things are going to be", he's going to continue to be the class bully. I told you the other day, don't give him that power over you. You have grown and gotten stronger, but this is still hurting the kids, is that what you want?
Sorry, just a little angry. Our CD friends don't see you coming into work upset and crying over what this moron is doing. But Rob, stop giving him the power to hurt you. You've been proactive in just about every situation so far, yet you cave, I don't understand. What's the point of picking the kids up from school on Friday, but yet still drive 45 minutes to take them to him? Who knows, maybe I'm the wrong one. I just always equate it with the "No means no".
(((((MsV))))) hope all is well. ((((CD Friends)))) Merry early Christmas.
It is so hard. I know what I should do. Yes, I get upset. I cry. I cry right now reading your post, remembering my birthday, and how he was to me.
Quote:
Sorry, just a little angry. Our CD friends don't see you coming into work upset and crying over what this moron is doing. But Rob, stop giving him the power to hurt you. You've been proactive in just about every situation so far, yet you cave, I don't understand. What's the point of picking the kids up from school on Friday, but yet still drive 45 minutes to take them to him? Who knows, maybe I'm the wrong one. I just always equate it with the "No means no".
I also know that I wanted them with me for my birthday, while wanting them with me to Maryland, 2 consecutive weekends. You know I try to be fair. Why I try to be fair is beyond me, I guess its just me. I know you see me hurting, and they don't.
I didn't answer the phone friday, thats good, right? No, I don't want him hurting the kids. But he will do it, no matter my level of strength. Somehow, he will do it, because he knows that is how he hurts me.
He can do it while they are with him, while I cannot see it but learn about it. He knows this is how he can hurt me. Right now, I have not grown past that, and I don't think I will, because they are my kids. And he can talk to me in a way that hurts the kids, the best I can do is click. But it still upsets me. It still does.
I am trying my very best. One day I will prevail. Right now, I am still hurt from the years of pain he has put me through, I am.
I was asked by T the other day, but don't you have any love for him at all, Robyn?
It made me think of Suns posts. None. And after leaving him on September 1, if ever that love were to flourish, any of that has been destroyed by what he continues to do. never. There is nothing there. But he does continue to hurt me. What can I do?
I hang up on him, but the hurt is still there. What can I do. Sometimes, I feel like I could just be away from him, I wish the kids and I could just be away from him, and the hurt could leave. But right now, it can't it won't, it doesn't.
I can try and change myself, and I have done alot of that, but him, I cannot change. I don't know if even he has the ability to do that.
He throws the you didn't even try in my face all the time. Click. I tried he says, click. I didn't do the things you said I did. Click.
He is crazy. It should have been him that night. That night I was escorted by the police, I should not have been in the back of the car, and been in that place for hours, only to reveal a person very tired, compliant, normal to the situation.
It should have been him. Hell, it should have been both of us, maybe. Why just me? Why not black and white? Day and nite? Why anything?
I try not to allow him to hurt me, but it does not take much for him to do it. I try ....I try so hard.
On December 7, he ripped me up into little pieces and threw me onto the floor like trash. That is what you saw. That was my old life that was kept hidden deep inside of me. That was who I was every day of my life, hidden from the world. Hidden from myself. But now, in the open. For one day, it won't be that way. That day, it was.
You've mentioned it twice recently that Alexander has started playing basketball.
Now that's really great to hear! I hope that he likes it enough to keep playing.
Encourage him if you can.
It could provide a paid ticket to college someday.
Ok, now is the time to take everything that you have learned and experienced and start applying it.
Youdon't have to be angry,youdon't have to be nasty but, you don't have to put up with his crap anymore. You've proven it, you've broken the cycle of abuse.
You give him power over you every time you indulge him in one of his nasty rants, every time you give into one of his demands...."I will pick up the kids...blah blah blah" Until you can stand up to him and say "No, you're not, this is the way things are going to be", he's going to continue to be the class bully. I told you the other day, don't give him that power over you. You have grown and gotten stronger, but this is still hurting the kids, is that what you want?
Sorry, just a little angry. Our CD friends don't see you coming into work upset and crying over what this moron is doing. But Rob, stop giving him the power to hurt you. You've been proactive in just about every situation so far, yet you cave, I don't understand. What's the point of picking the kids up from school on Friday, but yet still drive 45 minutes to take them to him? Who knows, maybe I'm the wrong one. I just always equate it with the "No means no".
(((((MsV))))) hope all is well. ((((CD Friends)))) Merry early Christmas.
Mornin' ((((Robyn)))) et all.
Please, please, please listen to Carol. She is so exactly right in her observations.
The problem will be for you (with our support and help) to find a way to simply state facts to him in as few words as possible, and then move on. In some cases, you won't need any words at all. Just a click. You are no longer his day-to-day partner. You don't need to pacify him.
What exactly do you fear? I think we need to start there.
Good morning - MsV - good to "see" you again - unpacking is such a joy....NOT <g>
Robyn - You said the kids were uncomfortable with the sleeping arrangements this weekend - did they tell you what they were?
Does it seem to you that L's meltdowns come mostly after spending the weekend with alphabutt boy? That's the way it seems to me and should be brought to the attention of the mediator/court/whomever.
He said to bring the holiday schedule? Fine - bring the one you two worked on, but do one of your own to bring. I know, with my son, the "big" holidays that created the most friction were Thanksgiving and Christmas. One year I would have my son the next, his dad would. Until my son reached the age of your kids - then my son was "deemed" old enough to decide and his father had to work around that. My son was usually with me on the day of the holiday and then with his dad and that side of the family either the next day or the following week.
I would also make it clear to the mediator that the kids are with you every other weekend and that the kids HAVE to be allowed to do homework when they are with alphabutt boy - it's life that kids have homework on the weekends and alphabutt boy needs to learn that.
All of the above should not be discussed with alphabutt boy ahead of mediation/court - should only be discussed with the "neutral" third party there.
As others have said, right now there is no reason for you to "discuss" anything with alphabutt boy - it is time for you to basically cut him off from talking with you - all he does is get you tied in knots with veiled threats. It's time to turn the tables on him. This coming weekend, go see your family with the kids - tell him the day you are leaving. If it's Friday that you leave, call, either leave a message or tell him you are on your way to your relatives and he can call the kids when you get back. If he should call while you're with your relatives DON'T TAKE THE CALLS. There is no reason for him to intrude on your time with your relatives.
Robyn, he can't hurt you any more - he can bluster and threaten about custody and everything else, but your kids are at an age where they may be able to tell a judge who they want to live with and the judge will take that, as well as the change in their psyche when they've been with him for a weekend into consideration. He will NOT get custody. Make sure that when you go to mediation/court you bring up the fact that A's self-esteem is higher now, he's involved with things - same with L - she is engaging with her peers which she didn't do before.
Is any of this going to be easy? No. Is it going to be worth it? YES. I think the hardest part for you (and I may be wrong) is not telling alphabutt boy anything in advance. That is where you need to focus. Concentrate on the not talking to him about ANYTHING. When he calls to talk to the kids, let the kids answer the phone, if he wants to talk to you, tell him you're too busy...click. If you happen to answer the phone when he calls, say hello, then immediately let him talk to the kids - your conversations with him should be limited to "Hello...good-bye"....click. Will he get angry? Yep. Will he try to call back to get you to talk to him? Probably. Just keep clicking.
I don't remember when your mediation date is, for some reaso 12/18 sticks in my head? That's not that far away. Go to the mediation - if he doesn't show, that will go against him - you will have been there - if you can give the mediator your proposals even if he's not there - do so.
This time of year is stressful for those with a "cohesive family unit" - it's even more stressful for you and the kids (even though you are your own "cohesive family unit"). I wouldn't be at all surprised if all this stress is starting to trigger panic attacks again. As someone with panic disorder, I know how you feel and what a panic attack does - remember - even though it feels like you are dying, you aren't. Find time for yourself during these stressful days. Take a bath, turn off the phone, whatever it takes, find the time to relax and say positive affirmations - whatever works for you.
You and the kids are going to come out of all this fine. Now you just need to be consistent with not talking to alphabutt boy and go from there. When you don't talk to him, you "remove his power" over you, that last little bit that he's trying to hang on to.....just take it away from him...Kalo is right - No means no...and even not talking to him sends him the same message.
It is so hard. I know what I should do. Yes, I get upset. I cry. I cry right now reading your post, remembering my birthday, and how he was to me.
*Don't cry sweetie, that wasn't my intent. I just see the strong you come out until you talk to him, then I see the abused Rob. You don't have to be that person anymore. I guess I get angry when I'm trying to help and it feels like you're asking. Yet I/we give you advice, but it seems like you don't want it.*
I also know that I wanted them with me for my birthday, while wanting them with me to Maryland, 2 consecutive weekends. You know I try to be fair. Why I try to be fair is beyond me, I guess its just me. I know you see me hurting, and they don't.
*Who says you can't have them next weekend too? I'm not sure it's good for them to be with him at all. They sure don't seem like they want to go anymore*
I didn't answer the phone friday, thats good, right? No, I don't want him hurting the kids. But he will do it, no matter my level of strength. Somehow, he will do it, because he knows that is how he hurts me.
*Yep, but you don't have to give him that power either. When this ever gets to court and something is brought up, I think you have bent over backwards trying to cater to his whims. What about what the kids want? I don't think a judge is going to make an older child go somewhere where they can't even do their required schoolwork...wtf??*
He can do it while they are with him, while I cannot see it but learn about it. He knows this is how he can hurt me. Right now, I have not grown past that, and I don't think I will, because they are my kids. And he can talk to me in a way that hurts the kids, the best I can do is click. But it still upsets me. It still does.
*I know, and it's obvious from the way the kids come home that he's not Ward Clever, Mr nuture himself*
I am trying my very best. One day I will prevail. Right now, I am still hurt from the years of pain he has put me through, I am.
I hang up on him, but the hurt is still there. What can I do. Sometimes, I feel like I could just be away from him, I wish the kids and I could just be away from him, and the hurt could leave. But right now, it can't it won't, it doesn't.
I can try and change myself, and I have done alot of that, but him, I cannot change. I don't know if even he has the ability to do that.
*Nope, you can't change him, the only thing you can change is how you react to his idiotic behaviour* Click is a wonderful feature.
He throws the you didn't even try in my face all the time. Click. I tried he says, click. I didn't do the things you said I did. Click.
He is crazy. It should have been him that night. That night I was escorted by the police, I should not have been in the back of the car, and been in that place for hours, only to reveal a person very tired, compliant, normal to the situation.
It should have been him. Hell, it should have been both of us, maybe. Why just me? Why not black and white? Day and nite? Why anything?
I try not to allow him to hurt me, but it does not take much for him to do it. I try ....I try so hard.
On December 7, he ripped me up into little pieces and threw me onto the floor like trash. That is what you saw. That was my old life that was kept hidden deep inside of me. That was who I was every day of my life, hidden from the world. Hidden from myself. But now, in the open. For one day, it won't be that way. That day, it was.
*I'm a survivor, i'm not gonna give in, I'm gonna work harder, gonna get stronger*
You CAN do it.
(((((Robs))))) I love ya SBW
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