How can I help him see me as more than a FWB? (dating, married)
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I'm not sure where to go for help with this, so I hope that someone here can offer me some advice.
I've been friends with a guy for 15 years.
For the first three years, we were exclusive FWB. When we are together, we don't date other people.
For the next two years (years 4 and 5), it was on again and off again.
It completely ended because I met someone. I, eventually, married that person I met. He met someone, too, and married that women.
We stayed friends through all of it. We never cheated (although he was always a bit flirty.)
Fast forward to last summer- he was going through a divorce and so was I. We had a "FWB Fling" from about May - October.
Around that time, he met someone. We called it quits, and he started dating that person in December. I started dating, too. We remained friends.
So now ...
We are both single again.
I'm not interested in a FWB arrangement again, but I would like to date him.
Of course, the easy answer is: talk to him.
The thing is ... I don't think he sees me as "dateable."
I'm simply wondering is there anything I can do to help him see that I'm "dateable" and not just someone only good for FWB. (Not trying to make him out to be an ******* here. He's not. I think though that people fall into roles in our lives, and its very easy to keep them there - not so easy to move them out...)
I'm not sure where to go for help with this, so I hope that someone here can offer me some advice.
I've been friends with a guy for 15 years.
For the first three years, we were exclusive FWB. When we are together, we don't date other people.
For the next two years (years 4 and 5), it was on again and off again.
It completely ended because I met someone. I, eventually, married that person I met. He met someone, too, and married that women.
We stayed friends through all of it. We never cheated (although he was always a bit flirty.)
Fast forward to last summer- he was going through a divorce and so was I. We had a "FWB Fling" from about May - October.
Around that time, he met someone. We called it quits, and he started dating that person in December. I started dating, too. We remained friends.
So now ...
We are both single again.
I'm not interested in a FWB arrangement again, but I would like to date him.
Of course, the easy answer is: talk to him.
The thing is ... I don't think he sees me as "dateable."
I'm simply wondering is there anything I can do to help him see that I'm "dateable" and not just someone only good for FWB. (Not trying to make him out to be an ******* here. He's not. I think though that people fall into roles in our lives, and its very easy to keep them there - not so easy to move them out...)
Probably not. He sees you as something to fill in the gap when he's in between his real romantic interests. Sorry to be harsh, but as a guy, that's how I see it.
Probably not. He sees you as something to fill in the gap when he's in between his real romantic interests. Sorry to be harsh, but as a guy, that's how I see it.
Not only this, but for years, while he has been single, you satisfied his urges when they weren't otherwise being satisfied.
He knows that the arrangement is permanent, and when you two are single, he can get what he wants with probably extremely little investment.
Then he dates someone else, and then falls back on you when he becomes single again.
However, I do find it interesting that you two seem to be single at similar times in your lives. Is it possible that he is lieing about being single at times, and cheats with you, and then backs off when necessary so the other gf doesn't figure things out?
Very seldom do such long term on again off again FWB survive.
Also, he may be slighted that he was only FWB material in the beginning, therefore he is only willing to maintain FWB in the future.
I donno, not enough info, and the simple answer is,
Why don't you just ask him to try an exclusive relationship?
He's just not that into you. If he were, he'd let you know. After all, its not like you're any secret to him. If he wanted you, nothing would stop him from being with you. He's had you, he's moving on.
I was in this exact same position, with an FWB who was off and on for about 7 years. This past time we were both single, I told him I didn't want that arrangement any more. I took him out for dinner and said if we were going to see each other, it would have to be exclusive with the potential to evolve into a true relationship. He said he would think about it...I guess he is still thinking!
The good thing is, it doesn't bother me that he doesn't seem to want seem the same thing as me...It's fair enough. He is almost 60 with a 5 year old son (!) and his own large business to run. He is an independent guy, so I never allowed myself to get attached romantically. In any case, the FWB arrangement is over. But the friendship isn't.
I suggest you tell him exactly what you want, and if he doesn't go for it, move along or stay platonic friends.
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