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My bf is 23 and I'm 24. We have been together two years now and I'm his first serious relationship. In the beginning he used to be so sweet and nice. He'd hold my hand, kiss me, tell me how beautiful I am and that he was lucky, send me flowers, etc.
Now he's gotten very comfortable. He treats me like his sisters (they all live together). What I mean is he jokes around with me too much and is insensitive. I always have to ask for a hug, kiss, or cuddling...he even stopped saying I love you when we go to sleep. Sometimes he will say it but it sounds so robotic that we only say it at night.
Back in February we talked about this and he said he'd change. But nothing's changed. I notice he is more sweet if we are apart for a few days...but anyways lately I've been very bothered by lack of physical affection outside sex. I keep telling him he should show more affection but maybe I'm not communicating enough clearly how important it is to me. I don't understand how it's so hard.
It is making me re think our relationship and I don't want to break up...but if I'm unhappy for the most part if he continues I just can't go on with this
Some people are very touchy-feely and others are not. I also admit I am not usually the first to say "I love you" and the day of his birthday or Valentine's Day I am usually just thinking about a gift or card. Its gotten to the point that he actually tells me what to get him.
He is pretty much the opposite. My husband likes to cuddle and hold hands and I don't; I really, really have to work hard at being receptive to those things. And I adore him! My hands sweat, I get uncomfortable or warm, I get a charlie horse in my knee, etc. Never have liked that with any man very much. I sure do enjoy hugs and kisses but long walks holding hands, or laying on the couch cuddling while watching TV just stifle me. So you will have to decide if this kind of person can be a good match for you over the long term. If you really do crave a lot of physical bonding stuff, maybe this would be a lifelong sadness of hunger and missing for you if mated to someone like me...... think hard about this because he can't help who he is.
Hit the gym if you're already not, grow out your hair if it's not already long and be prepared to break up with him...He's probably already actively looking for an perceived upgrade and will dump you when he finds one.
Some people are very touchy-feely and others are not. I also admit I am not usually the first to say "I love you" and the day of his birthday or Valentine's Day I am usually just thinking about a gift or card. Its gotten to the point that he actually tells me what to get him.
He is pretty much the opposite. My husband likes to cuddle and hold hands and I don't; I really, really have to work hard at being receptive to those things. And I adore him! My hands sweat, I get uncomfortable or warm, I get a charlie horse in my knee, etc. Never have liked that with any man very much. I sure do enjoy hugs and kisses but long walks holding hands, or laying on the couch cuddling while watching TV just stifle me. So you will have to decide if this kind of person can be a good match for you over the long term. If you really do crave a lot of physical bonding stuff, maybe this would be a lifelong sadness of hunger and missing for you if mated to someone like me...... think hard about this because he can't help who he is.
That's interesting. Usually it's the man that is in your role. Anyways, how does he feel about that? You not wanting affection or intiating?
That's interesting. Usually it's the man that is in your role. Anyways, how does he feel about that? You not wanting affection or intiating?
Michelle, I am sure he wishes I were more touchy feelie. But he knows I show my commitment to "us" in many ways! When he talks to me, he gets my undivided attention most of the time. When he does foolish things I don't criticize. We share a lot of laughs! I am his best friend and totally accept him -- he can tell me anything. Also, I put up with his driving.
My post was one of the ones that vanished. But I have the Lazarus plugin!
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Originally Posted by josh u
You got past phase 1 of the relationship. That's the honeymoon phase where he's courting you with romance and affection.
Yes.
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You're going into phase 2, where one or both sides become more comfortable and the relationship becomes mundane.
The main task of phase 2 is 'negotiation'.
This is when you both stop being focused on the butterflies and start looking at what you really need in a long term relationship, and uncover possible incompatibilities.
You need affection. Maybe he needs not to be to close. Can you both respect each other's needs and try to meet them? Or are you the one doing all the bending?
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You obviously miss the "butterflies in stomach" feeling from before. .
I don't think that is necessarily true at all. Many humans have a need for ongoing, lifelong, physical affection.
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Originally Posted by halfamazing
simply because throughout the world, men are widely known not to show affection as much.
::laughing::
That is completely untrue. Look at middle eastern men, for example, the way they walk down the street holding hands with their guy friends.
I think there is a genetic basis to the need for physical affection. (And the genes could be more common in women, or in caucasian women, I have no idea.)
I used to think there was something wrong with me, emotionally, that I need a lot of physical closeness. (I also need a lot of alone time, but that is easier to arrange!)
But then I had a livestock animal who was the same way, as is his mom. He just wants to cuddle all the time. I kept him for a pet, it was such cute behaviour. He slept cuddled up to his mom every night until he was 2 or 3 years old -- 6 months would be normal.
Anyway, he has led a charmed life, no traumas or anything. That's why I think it's genetic.
And, OP, that means it may be something you really need, not something anyone can tell you to 'get over'.
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