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You got past phase 1 of the relationship. That's the honeymoon phase where he's courting you with romance and affection. You're going into phase 2, where one or both sides become more comfortable and the relationship becomes mundane. You obviously miss the "butterflies in stomach" feeling from before. The reality is, though, that no relationship stays in phase 1 forever. Either you accept this fact, or you break it off and start a new relationship in order to find that feeling again.... and eventually end up here again.
Why is this so hard to understand? This is spot on ^^^^^
The others should stop feeding bad advice. Nobody is talking about break ups. Why are people so quick to want others to join in their misery. Just cause you can't work on things and accept that not everyone will exert the same level of intimacy or communcation as you. Just as long as they are doing right as a man/women, the other fluff is secondary.
Rather he be the man that he is, teases you, misses you when you are few days apart, then be nagged about your hugs.
You say he is sweeter when time spent apart. Well, start spending less time nagging and being on top of him 24/7 and get a breather. Let him miss you. Don't be the one... Don't be the one to mess it up.
He "used to be sweet and nice" now he makes jokes at her expense. She has addressed the issue with him and he has chose to ignore her request for change.
I would say it's more than just an affection issue.
"I notice he is more sweet if we are apart for a few days", he treats her like his sisters, they all live together. This is not black and white. They simply need to spend more time apart.
You can't force affection. He demonstrates sweetness when they are a few days apart and I will quote her again - "I notice he is more sweet if we are apart for a few days"
Let's work on that aspect before going straight to "he has chose to ignore her request for change".
Its a relationship, not a game of solitaire.
My bf is 23 and I'm 24. We have been together two years now and I'm his first serious relationship. In the beginning he used to be so sweet and nice. He'd hold my hand, kiss me, tell me how beautiful I am and that he was lucky, send me flowers, etc.
Now he's gotten very comfortable. He treats me like his sisters (they all live together). What I mean is he jokes around with me too much and is insensitive. I always have to ask for a hug, kiss, or cuddling...he even stopped saying I love you when we go to sleep. Sometimes he will say it but it sounds so robotic that we only say it at night.
Back in February we talked about this and he said he'd change. But nothing's changed. I notice he is more sweet if we are apart for a few days...but anyways lately I've been very bothered by lack of physical affection outside sex. I keep telling him he should show more affection but maybe I'm not communicating enough clearly how important it is to me. I don't understand how it's so hard.
I know plenty of men that are cops that so cold to their spouses in terms of affection but they are the best of friends. its not black and white people.
It is making me re think our relationship and I don't want to break up...but if I'm unhappy for the most part if he continues I just can't go on with this
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Hey OP,
He is 23 years of age. He just left high school 5 years ago and still gets charged higher insurance rates. He lives with his sisters.
Have him read your post and respond to us. I would really like to hear his side of things....
And by the way, you started your relationship when he was 21- just 3 years out of high school. At 21, I was traveling the world. I wasn't saying I love you. Heck even at 24 I was still overseas enjoying life. I think you should too or you may risk a losing a good guy.
Why is this so hard to understand? This is spot on ^^^^^
The others should stop feeding bad advice. Nobody is talking about break ups. Why are people so quick to want others to join in their misery. Just cause you can't work on things and accept that not everyone will exert the same level of intimacy or communcation as you. Just as long as they are doing right as a man/women, the other fluff is secondary.
Rather he be the man that he is, teases you, misses you when you are few days apart, then be nagged about your hugs.
You say he is sweeter when time spent apart. Well, start spending less time nagging and being on top of him 24/7 and get a breather. Let him miss you. Don't be the one... Don't be the one to mess it up.
You are being more than rude here, especially with that comment.
Its a question of affection. Why are we so quick to end things? simply because throughout the world, men are widely known not to show affection as much. He teases her and is sweeter when they are apart for a few days. That tells us something. Nothing is broken here. Men will be men and women will want men to turn into something they really do no. Once this man starts to show all types of affection, then she will start to question his motives...
Agreed. People telling me it's over...I don't think it's over. I know this is a very common issue in long term relationships. Also, I always initiate the affection which is tiring or sometimes he's like a board and just doesn't return the favor. I think his affection is grabbing boobs, smacking butt, tickling and poking me...hey that's fine but I really would like some loving side of him.
The thing with a few days is, okay so spend some time apart? But I mean if we were to get serious like marriage you kinda have to see each other every day haha.
Agreed. People telling me it's over...I don't think it's over. I know this is a very common issue in long term relationships. Also, I always initiate the affection which is tiring or sometimes he's like a board and just doesn't return the favor. I think his affection is grabbing boobs, smacking butt, tickling and poking me...hey that's fine but I really would like some loving side of him.
The thing with a few days is, okay so spend some time apart? But I mean if we were to get serious like marriage you kinda have to see each other every day haha.
You are guys are on a different level. I tease, poke, and grab. I rarely say I love you. It's just not me but I do what I need to do as a man. Women understand I am not that way. I'm always told when being hugged to act like I want it. But guess what, I spend the time I need to spend and we enjoy our tv shows, she knows my secrets, we sit on the kitchen floor just talking. She hates the fact that I refer to her as my best friend. But it is what it is... If she starts nagging, she will be put in her place. If I stay away too long, I get the hot iron. But she knows and respects. I'm not that Luvy duvy dude. She hates but loves when I tease her. I tell all the time, the day I stop teasing and poking her is the day she needs to worry. That should be your answer.
P.S. when you get married, the last thing you will be worried about is hugging. You are still a baby in terms of experience. Enjoy the pokes. Worry when they stop.
You got past phase 1 of the relationship. That's the honeymoon phase where he's courting you with romance and affection.
Yes.
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You're going into phase 2, where one or both sides become more comfortable and the relationship becomes mundane.
The main task of phase 2 is 'negotiation'.
This is when you both stop being focused on the butterflies and start looking at what you really need in a long term relationship, and uncover possible incompatibilities.
You need affection. Maybe he needs not to be to close. Can you both respect each other's needs and try to meet them? Or are you the one doing all the bending?
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You obviously miss the "butterflies in stomach" feeling from before. .
I don't think that is necessarily true at all. Many humans have a need for ongoing, lifelong, physical affection.
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Originally Posted by halfamazing
simply because throughout the world, men are widely known not to show affection as much.
::laughing::
That is completely untrue. Look at middle eastern men, for example, the way they walk down the street holding hands with their guy friends.
This is when I normally end the relationship. I hate the complacency, so I always bail when I stop feeling the spark.
Which is fine, for those who don't want a long term committed relationship with anyone and would prefer to just date the rest of their lives.
But for folks who really desire a more permanent lasting relationship, ending things when the honeymoon phase ends is a mistake.
Of course, until you've met the right one, sticking together longer than the honeymoon phase is sometimes like trying to force square pegs into round holes .
Agreed. People telling me it's over...I don't think it's over. I know this is a very common issue in long term relationships. Also, I always initiate the affection which is tiring or sometimes he's like a board and just doesn't return the favor. I think his affection is grabbing boobs, smacking butt, tickling and poking me...hey that's fine but I really would like some loving side of him.
The thing with a few days is, okay so spend some time apart? But I mean if we were to get serious like marriage you kinda have to see each other every day haha.
You are right - it's not necessarily over at all.
While some relationships do run their course by this point (the 2 year mark), you guys may just lack the skills necessary to move to the next phase/stage of the relationship.
Time to do some research/study on this issue - there are lots of good books out there - and then have some serious conversation with one another.
Good luck!
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