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Old 07-29-2013, 12:23 AM
 
Location: New York
757 posts, read 1,099,946 times
Reputation: 330

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
No, what she meant was that earlier you said the thought of being with anyone else scares you, and you love your girl. Then in this thread, you say you've got to cross your fingers and hope she goes out of state for grad school, [so you'll have an excuse to break up]. That's the 180 degree turn-around.
Yea that way she can go get it out her system and won't have to know because i won't be in contact with her. Then when she comes back we can make plans to get back together.

 
Old 07-29-2013, 12:24 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,086 posts, read 107,127,293 times
Reputation: 115875
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jonathanp219 View Post
Not break up, settle down. Make plans to move in.
Ah. Thanks for clarifying. She's saying she's not ready to move in with you, but she's happy being gf/bf. So she doesn't agree to dating/sleeping with other people. She's not agreeable with your scenario.
 
Old 07-29-2013, 12:25 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,086 posts, read 107,127,293 times
Reputation: 115875
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jonathanp219 View Post
Yea that way she can go get it out her system and won't have to know because i won't be in contact with her. Then when she comes back we can make plans to get back together.
But she said she doesn't have anything to "get out of her system". She wants you and her to stay a couple. You're the only part of the equation who thinks he has something to get out of his system.
 
Old 07-29-2013, 12:30 AM
 
Location: New York
757 posts, read 1,099,946 times
Reputation: 330
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
But she said she doesn't have anything to "get out of her system". She wants you and her to stay a couple. You're the only part of the equation who thinks he has something to get out of his system.
Because I deeply believe we need to do this, or else infidelity will follow through later on. What if we somehow do change our minds and do get married, then we begin to wonder the "What Ifs"?
 
Old 07-29-2013, 12:34 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,086 posts, read 107,127,293 times
Reputation: 115875
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jonathanp219 View Post
Because I deeply believe we need to do this, or else infidelity will follow through later on. What if we somehow do change our minds and do get married, then we begin to wonder the "What Ifs"?
She doesn't share your worry about "what-if's". This is your issue, not hers. You may break her heart if you run off. And she may well not come back, because of that.

So, you have a choice. a) Proceed with your plan, in spite of her not being on board with it, and create pain for her. b) Get some therapy, and afterwards, see if you still have the same irrational fear and the same desire to see what you're missing. You may well be throwing away a good thing, due to some childhood issues with your parents.

Just saying.
 
Old 07-29-2013, 12:39 AM
 
Location: New York
757 posts, read 1,099,946 times
Reputation: 330
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
She doesn't share your worry about "what-if's". This is your issue, not hers. You may break her heart if you run off. And she may well not come back, because of that.

So, you have a choice. a) Proceed with your plan, in spite of her not being on board with it, and create pain for her. b) Get some therapy, and afterwards, see if you still have the same irrational fear and the same desire to see what you're missing. You may well be throwing away a good thing, due to some childhood issues with your parents.

Just saying.
She doesn't share those "What if" beliefs because she lives in the moment, I don't. I know for a fact those feelings will arise later on, I'm sure of it. Her dad cheats on her mom and she hates him because of it. People become more like the parent they dislike the most.
This underlying fear comes from other places besides my parents marriage, that's just a quarter of the reasons why im this way.
 
Old 07-29-2013, 12:40 AM
 
22,284 posts, read 21,623,966 times
Reputation: 54728
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jonathanp219 View Post
Yea that way she can go get it out her system and won't have to know because i won't be in contact with her. Then when she comes back we can make plans to get back together.
So when (if) you get back together, you won't ask her if she slept with someone else? Can you be okay with suspecting but not knowing for sure? Can you resist making an issue of it? Only you know yourself.

Also, I can't believe you are considering cutting off all contact for a matter of years with the woman you claim to love and want to end up with.
 
Old 07-29-2013, 12:42 AM
 
22,284 posts, read 21,623,966 times
Reputation: 54728
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
Ah. Thanks for clarifying. She's saying she's not ready to move in with you, but she's happy being gf/bf. So she doesn't agree to dating/sleeping with other people. She's not agreeable with your scenario.
Contrary to what he lied about in the OP.
 
Old 07-29-2013, 12:43 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,086 posts, read 107,127,293 times
Reputation: 115875
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jonathanp219 View Post
She doesn't share those "What if" beliefs because she lives in the moment, I don't. I know for a fact those feelings will arise later on, I'm sure of it. Her dad cheats on her mom and she hates him because of it. People become more like the parent they dislike the most.
This underlying fear comes from other places besides my parents marriage, that's just a quarter of the reasons why im this way.
Wait, wait, let me get this straight. At the grand old age of 23, you're the relationship expert AND the psychologist, and you KNOW for a fact that she will BECOME HER DAD, and cheat on you in the future? Even though she loves you, supports you, and is the best thing that ever happened to you?

Wow. You're a real piece of work. You deserve yourself.
 
Old 07-29-2013, 12:44 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,086 posts, read 107,127,293 times
Reputation: 115875
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
Contrary to what he lied about in the OP.
Right. He was just projecting, in the OP. That's why I've pursued this clarification so doggedly. I had a feeling that's what was going on.

OP, what if she finds a great, baggage-free guy, who's also a grad student? What if you get herpes? Or you get some flake of an FWB pregnant? Anything can happen. Life doesn't always go according to plan. In fact, it rarely does.
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