Another "out of their league" question... (dating, wife, women)

[JrzDefector]

I've got a buddy who is a nice guy, and we commiserate frequently over our dating situations. There's no attraction on either side - we're just platonic friends. But while I'm happy despite (or because of? LOL) my single status, he is terribly sad about his lack of a dating life and physical intimacy. He recently moved to my current area and really only knows me, whereas I had a semi-established social network when I moved here.

While he looks normal, he has some serious debilitating (noncommunicable) health conditions that mean his activities are severely circumscribed and his employment outlook is not very good. He's reasonably goodlooking (maybe average?), but he's living in a town with A LOT of VERY goodlooking and athletic people, so the competition is pretty fierce. He is utterly depressed by the fact that he is lonely and no one is contacting him (or sustaining conversations with him) on the dating site he's on. He's got a lot to be depressed about, but ... that's kind of part of the problem.

I've seen the profiles of some of the women he's been in contact with, and they are all VERY attractive and professionally successful with upbeat attitudes. He's mentioned to me that he doesn't want to date someone he's not attracted to, but from the way he describes his ex-wife, she definitely wasn't all that (in addition to having serious mental health issues) and he had no problem being attracted to her.

Things have taken a turn for the worse lately in his life with regard to his job and his health, and his loneliness and the lack of physical intimacy is just piling onto his depression issues. Now I've struggled with depression myself, so I know something about the beast - in particular that once you fall into a way of thinking, it's hard to dig out. I also think that:

1) He's looking at women way out of his league in terms of looks, fitness and professional success.

2) He's probably coming off as desperate. And he's probably signaling depression issues just in the way he's presenting himself online and in emails.

3) If the loneliness is making him so unhappy that he's falling into a major depression, maybe it's time to give women who aren't his first choice a chance and see if there might be some attraction that develops. Heck, most people look better than their photos - the last two guys I fell for were nothing special in their photos, but very attractive in person. In fact, some of my best dates have been with guys whose photos in their profile were just "meh" in my opinion.

4) He needs to address the depression, even if it's reasonable for him to be depressed given his situation. He acknowledges that it is "situational" depression rather than a chronic thing.

So as his friend, should I just give him a "come to Jesus" conversation about this and lay out my opinions? I've tread fairly gently around him on this subject (and I'm not really that gentle with the truth as I see it) so far. But I've never really had to deal with someone in this specific situation. However, from my own bouts of depression, I know that my friends giving me the straight truth was pretty damn helpful.

I really think he's got to just focus on a positive outlook (and I don't say that flippantly - I work really hard at doing this when I'm feeling depressed and it really does work for me) and give women who might not meet every physical expectation a chance. I don't think he should date a woman who repulses him, but I don't see why he couldn't just give an average chick a chance. I also think he's going into this Internet dating thing with way too many expectations - aim at having a first date, not at having a relationship when you message someone, ya know?

I don't want to worsen the problem, so that's why I wanted to get some opinions on here. Do I just lay it out for him or do I just continue to keep my comments neutral?

[nokiddin]

i think it's difficult to persuade someone to lower their standards, just something you figure out on your own. everything else is appropriate to discuss as a caring friend.

[dragon_fly_12]

Until he addresses his root happiness issue, no amount of advice or help will amount to much of anything except resentment on his side.

[nokiddin]

only time and meds help with depression, sometimes exercise

[NilaJones]

It sounds to me like he has fallen into the societal pattern (I don't dare use the other 's' word) that tells men that their deeper emotional needs can only and must be met by a female sweetie.

And the reality is the opposite. He should not date at all until he is a better state mentally and physically, because then he will 'qualify' for a much better partner.

He should pull his profiles off all dating sites and hie he to a counselor and to a support group for his medical condition (I assume he already has a good doctor?). He should focus on making more supportive friends and seeing to his medical needs.

Otherwise, he will regret settling when he gets better. And no woman deserves to be dumped by the guy she nursed through a rough time.

[mainebrokerman]

being a friend is being honest, even if it hurts...

tell him the big girls need loving too, and theyll even cook him dinner..

[cindersslipper]

The trouble with dating sites is, folks tend to think they can dial up their own perfect 10, like in a supermarket, and that the dating site is at fault when they can't.

I also had a male friend like this, seriously, it turned out we were only friends because he thought I might sleep with him. But I digress...

I used to tell him "cut your hair" because he had this really weird thin long wispy hair that he bleached yellow.

His response? The women love running their fingers through my hair, most guys don't have any.

Uh...

What I mean is, whatever you suggested to him, you were wrong, because xyz. He knows better despite the evidence.

These guys are always wanting the women to behave differently, never a word about themselves doing something differently.

It's always the woman's fault when they can't shag her. She's a b9tch, frigid, stuck up, over rated, whatever.

Has he said anything about working out, getting new clothes, going to some social events, getting some new hobbies, meeting new people IRL?

Probably not. He's got you to complain to and all those women to disappoint him on dating sites. He's living a life he has built for himself from the choices he's made, as are we all.

Not saying he's a bad guy, most of them aren't. They are just too used to their mommies telling them what a good catch they are.

[Ascension2012]

There really are no leagues, its just a made up social construct concept. For whatever reason, many believe that we can only be attracted to and date mirror images of ourselves. Unless you are a homosexual, thats probably a pretty bad idea. Your friend has to get his house in order, get his health and depression worked out and develop himself to a point wher ehe is happy with himself and his life. At that point he should start seeking someone to date, but not before.

[librarySue]

Maybe he is purposely pursuing women who are CLEARLY out of his league because he doesn't want to take the chance that someone will actually want to go out with him. Because that prospect is too scary for him.

I wouldnt dump all your theories on him at once. It is unlikely he will take your advice.

[JBT1980]

Is it really your business to say whos out of his league? Do you only pursue men who you think match up to your physical look exactly?

If hes only going after super models thats one thing but otherwise people are attracted to what they are attracted to its not a conscious thing..