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And you want HIM to pay for your mistake by now telling him and upsetting him just to make yourself feel better???.
Wait until after the wedding, maybe after the kids are born, wait until after you've bought a house together, and then when he finds out, which he is sure to do, then make HIM pay for your mistake.
Don't be "selfish" by being honest with the man you want to marry. Why ruin a relationship when you can ruin a marriage?
Half of his circle of friends probably know by now, they just haven't said anything. When they do, he will burn with humiliation.
Lying about your number of past partners is common. But letting your man stand next to one of your past partners on his wedding day...That's dirty.
So you lied because it was more important to you not to look bad and not take ownership of your behavior when asked a direct question. This will bite you in the butt sooner rather than later. And it should.
Lets get this straight- You are engaged to a man - during that engagement you have sex with a friend of his...and now you want the prospective groom to stand there like an idiot at the alter with you while his "best man" - and you play this guy for a chump--------being "liberal" does not mean that adultery of any kind at any stage is decent behavior...I suggest that you tell the man everything so he can dump you- Why would you want to bring potential unhappiness and future betrayal to this guy---If you care about him even a bit - You walk away. The main reason is that you do not know how to behave and probably will never know how to behave.
I'm sure it will be difficult, but you should tell your fiance now, before you go any further. Why? Because what if it comes after you're married, after maybe you have children? The longer the deceit goes on, the worse will likely be the fight if it ever comes out. Plus, if he can't forgive this little thing, the marriage will not last anyhow. This is kind of a little thing compared to other things that may come along. There is a lot to forgive in marriage, and if he's not willing to be a forgiving person, who will accept you with faults, its best to find out now.
Lets get this straight- You are engaged to a man - during that engagement you have sex with a friend of his...and now you want the prospective groom to stand there like an idiot at the alter with you while his "best man" - and you play this guy for a chump--------being "liberal" does not mean that adultery of any kind at any stage is decent behavior...I suggest that you tell the man everything so he can dump you- Why would you want to bring potential unhappiness and future betrayal to this guy---If you care about him even a bit - You walk away. The main reason is that you do not know how to behave and probably will never know how to behave.
I think she was with the best man before she even met the fiance..no cheating. Which isn't a big deal, it's just that she "forgot" to tell him.
Location: Prince Georges County, MD (formerly Long Island, NY)
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OP, don't forget the best man is in the equation. We don't know what he's thinking, but it may go from a question of if Robert will find out, to when Robert will find out.
Working with the second question, would you rather Robert find out by you coming clean with him, or by the best man over a drunk bachelor party? We don't know much about the best man, so we can't deduce his most likely reaction, and how he'll handle it-- he may be battling with the same thing you are.
Lying about your number of past partners is common. But letting your man stand next to one of your past partners on his wedding day...That's dirty.
^^this
Let's get a couple things clear though...the entire concept of telling the truth being viewed as selfish is ridiculous...one would still have to face consequences for one's behavior and the other would have the option of making an informed decision.
Further, never...I mean, never, ever, roll with the "Well, technically I didn't lie because...". That loses any and all credibility. Adults don't used parsed words or incomplete querries as a basis to engage in obfuscation. Everybody knows the intent of the question...answer it or don't but such a weak ploy easily earns you the quick trip out the door...
So this is now confusing. Some of you guys are saying tell him and others are saying don't. I want to tell him cause I don't want to lie to theman I love but I know Robert. If I tell him it'll open a can of worms and he'll start asking questions about other guys, stuff I've done in the past and so on. My past is not terrible but it's not as "nice" as Robert would want. So I'm stuck
Why on earth would you want to marry someone that insecure and judgmental in the first place?
If he was going to be an ass because you had a fling with Sam, or any other man, before you got together with him, he was never the guy for you in the first place. That you felt you couldn't be honest with him from the get-go says a lot about the foundation of your relationship: It's one in which you fear the judgment of a man who can't handle the thought of you being sexual.
Honestly? At this point I would tell him--so that I could get out of a marriage with such a man, and move on to find someone who wasn't such an uptight prude.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dport7674
To even ask about "How many guys?" "Any one night stands?" makes him insecure.
Exactly.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CaliChick
To Ellie: Yeah, Sam was before Robert. But again, if I tell,then Robert is going to want details and stuff. And obviously, Sam and I were intimate like right away. This would bother Robert because he's against casual sex and on top of that I made him wait a while before we had sex. So there's a hornets nest here
Good grief, why would Robert want details? Is he a pervert who is going to secretly get off on it while pretending to be offended? A sex-shaming chauvanist who feels he has the right to every square inch of your prior relationships so he can judge whether you were justified in having sex, like some right-wing Pat Robertson/Rush Limbaugh-esque douchebag? Or just an immature masochist who is going to imagine the two of you swinging from the chandeliers?
Why on earth would you want to marry someone that insecure and judgmental in the first place?
If he was going to be an ass because you had a fling with Sam, or any other man, before you got together with him, he was never the guy for you in the first place. That you felt you couldn't be honest with him from the get-go says a lot about the foundation of your relationship: It's one in which you fear the judgment of a man who can't handle the thought of you being sexual.
Honestly? At this point I would tell him--so that I could get out of a marriage with such a man, and move on to find someone who wasn't such an uptight prude.
Exactly.
Good grief, why would Robert want details? Is he a pervert who is going to secretly get off on it while pretending to be offended? A sex-shaming chauvanist who feels he has the right to every square inch of your prior relationships so he can judge whether you were justified in having sex, like some right-wing Pat Robertson/Rush Limbaugh-esque douchebag? Or just an immature masochist who is going to imagine the two of you swinging from the chandeliers?
Run from this man, for your own sake.
I don't think the point is that she'd had previous sexual encounters (and if it is, I'd reverese my stance) but rather that she's been lying about it...
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