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It doesn't sound like she lied to you or has been manipulating you for years. You make it sound like she had this 5 year evil scheme and it has only now come to fruition. She was young. The things she wanted then or thought she wanted then might not be the same things she wants now. She might have changed and realized that you two are compatible anymore. She might be scared of moving.
She pretty much seems like she didn't try to hid who she was. I think the explanation is that you projected things onto her. She sounds immature and not a particularly fun person, but that's not necessarily a manipulative liar. Chalk it up to both of you being young and dumb (because fault lies with you too - you've got the emotional intelligence of a brick, which is understandable given that you ARE young). Now write it off and get on with your life without using this as an excuse to wallow in regret or be bitter or to treat your next girlfriend with suspicion or distrust.
And for the love of all that's holy, don't give up the things you enjoy for your next girlfriend - if they love you in a mature and healthy way, they won't ask that of you. Unless of course the things you enjoy are alcoholism, addiction or torturing small animals. Kapish?
It's not that I'm entitled to an explanation, but I certainly deserve one. After dating someone for 5 years you'd at least expect them to have the dignity to explain why they're willing to throw the whole relationship away.
As for the first comment... Being young isn't an excuse to lie. I've been honest with her, and was upfront in telling her for literally the entire duration of our relationship that this was going to happen. She clearly is a manipulative liar. If she wasn't, she wouldn't have led me on with 4 years of lies.
I doubt she was intentionally manipulating you or lying about wanting to be with you in the future. It appears that somewhere along the line she began to feel differently about leaving her present surroundings and her family and moving to another city with you. She may not have had the courage to tell you that she wasn't comfortable with the idea of picking up and moving to an unfamiliar place where she had no family and friends.
If you are so quick to call her a manipulative liar, you obviously do not love her as much as you thought you did. And if she is a manipulative liar, then you've dodged a bullet.
Your ex may or may not ever give you an explanation. It's time for you to move on, regardless.
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So I started dating a girl 5 years ago, we were young (17) at the time. As time passed we loved each other, (or so I thought) and spent every single night together. My relationships with my friends deteriorated, I spent way more time with her than anyone else. I quit my band 3 years (who's making thousands of dollars a week now) and made countless other sacrifices for her happiness.
Fast forward 5 years: I've been talking since we started dating about moving to Toronto for school, (since I can't take what I want to take where we are living currently) and she was receptive the entire time. She had told me for years how much she wanted to move there. So a few weeks ago I got accepted into my program, you'd think she'd be ecstatic right? WRONG. It turns out she's not going to come, and is willing to break up with me over it. The worst part is, she won't tell me why. I've tried asking HUNDREDS of times but she completely ignores the question and tells me to stop talking to her.
She has lived with her parents this entire time without paying rent, they've bought her 2 cars, they pay for her school. She hasn't had a single expense in her life so it's not that she can't afford to. I've lived on my own since I was old enough too, and pay for my own school. I can still afford to go.
She has been in school for 3 years and hasn't picked a major. It's not like she's close to a degree yet. So it's not like her education is holding her back.
She hates her job, makes minimum wage and complains about it constantly. So it's not like she has a good job holding her back.
I just don't get it. She led me on for 4 years with the understanding that she was more than willing to come with me, and now she refuses to even tell me why she's not coming and has broken it off with me. It really doesn't make sense.
I'm over her as far as a relationship goes, I have no interest in ever dating her again now that I know what a manipulative liar she is. I feel like she at least owes me an explanation though, and she doesn't even have the dignity to supply me with that. I just want to know what's going through her head. It's bad enough that she lied to me for 4 years, but now she won't even tell me why she suddenly changed her mind when it all came to fruition.
I think it may be that she's literally so pampered and spoiled by her parents, that the idea of having to pay her own rent, and do stuff for herself is terrifying to her. So much so that she's willing to throw away our half decade relationship for that comfort zone. It's sad because I'm very independent and have been self reliant since I was a teenager. I think it's stunted her growth as an adult to be babied like that her whole life.
Anybody have any idea what could be causing her to lie and withhold information like this?
Just move on ;sounds like nothing you pointed out has been different other than her not wanting to move with you after all. You really need to just get on with your life as no one can explain her actions but her. Good luck
She is growing up and maturing, as are you. At this point it sounds like she is starting to develop a desire to go in a different direction, and probably did not know how to really say this or approach it with you.
Either way, I think it can be a learning experience for you too. It sounds like you have sacraficed yourself for her. Compromising for a relationship is one thing, but it sounds like giving up things like your band is more than making a compromise, but giving away the things you enjoy most for the sake of the relationship.
I am thinking in a few days, weeks, months, or years you will look back on the relationship and see that there were some serious incompatability issues you were not really appreciating.
A healthy relationship should be supportive and enhance the things you find most important.
I am sorry about the end of the relationship, but am thinking at this point from what you said that you will likely be much better off in the long run to have it end, to pursue the things in life you want to, and have the chance to form a new relationship with someone who will support and enhance those pursuits!
Two persons couldn't have been more different. Seventeen is young to begin a long term relationship and it is an immature place to develop long-term dreams. You grew apart and learned from it. You won't sacrifice so much from yourself for another's fulfillment unless it is dynamically reciprocal and teleological. Losses along the way (band is making much money) and her gains along the way (two cars, pampered life) is not the rational or emotional modality from which you should explore your future gains. You dodged a cannonball. You provided your own explanation for the gulf between the two of you. There would be counter-arguments to any of her discussion points. Move on, let it go, and get on with the future. Lick your wounds, heal, be brilliantly successful, and show her what she missed by fulfilling your dreams and moving on to recognition for what you do, not this stuff from the past of what you've done. The former is for seers and visionaries. The latter is for epitaphs on tombstones.
I'm realizing how right you are about us being miles apart as people. I have a hard time accepting she lied to me for that long, but it is a bullet dodged. That's not the kind of person you want to be having kids or growing old with. I think that even within the next couple weeks, (especially once I've actually moved to Toronto) that I'll feel like I actually had a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I spent way too much time trying to make someone grow up at the rate I was, but I realize now it just wasn't happening. She's basically stayed the same for 5 years, and I've grown and changed a lot. As some of you said, people grow and mature at different rates, some don't at all I guess?
If there's one thing I can take from this, it's that I truly desire a woman who's strong and independent. Her personality would have made you think she was just this, but her actions depict the polar opposite. All in all there's nothing that can change the mistakes I made, and the years I essentially wasted with someone I thought was dedicated to me. You live and you learn though. I've learned that I want a woman who's as driven and as passionate about life as me. Not someone who's complacent and wants everything done for them. I want someone who is honest, and straight to the point. Not someone who doesn't even have the decency to tell you why you're no longer together after 5 years.
It's really my own fault for looking at her through rose coloured glasses (sorry I'm spelling coloured the proper way. You Americans can deal with it) and failing to see that we weren't at all compatible. As someone said earlier, I was most certainly still with her for her looks. This girl is absolutely gorgeous, but believe it or not: there are more important things in a relationship than that. (Which is something you don't think about at 17)
Time goes on, life keeps going. I'll learn from my mistakes and be much more diligent about the next girlfriend I take on.
If I had to guess, I'd say as long as your wishes were a dream, she was willing to go along with them. Once they became a reality, she realized what she would be giving up. Granted, by your standards it's not much, but it is security versus the unknown with you. By the same token, since you were pursuing your dreams, you may not have picked up on any signs of her hesitancy, so some of the blame is yours. I don't think there are a deliberate lie on her part.
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