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View Poll Results: Which is the smarter option?
Moving in before marriage 92 66.19%
Marriage before moving in 47 33.81%
Voters: 139. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 08-06-2013, 11:20 AM
 
Location: Middle America
37,409 posts, read 53,412,743 times
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I speak from the experience of having lived in a domestic partnership for five years with my previous SO, which was my first cohabiting experience, begun when I was thirty, after about a decade of living on my own as a single person/person in non-serious dating relationships. I moved into my then-SO's apartment at his invitation (this involved a 500-mile move and setting up in a new city, getting a new job, etc., on my part), and we lived there for a year and a half. Then we rented a house for about six months, while he househunted. He bought a home two years into our relationship, and I lived there with him for the next three years, paying into a portion of the mortgage, a share of the utilities, and splitting food costs and auto and homeowner's insurance costs. We did not buy the house together (I had no real interest in being a homeowner; that was his baby, and something I think he felt pressured into by family, because he had big-time buyer's remorse after the fact. I had no intention of buying a home with someone I wasn't married to, but it wasn't an ultimatum to get married...really, I wasn't wanting either home ownership OR a marriage at that point. I did not buy the house, was not financially connected to it in any way, besides my monthly monetary contribution to room and board costs, basically. We maintained separate bank accounts, did not comingle assets in any way. What we did share was our relationship and living space, and pooled some resources.

We had discussed eventual marriage, someday, but neither of us was interested in an impending wedding...he was doing graduate school and a professional designation, I was establishing myself in my career, and we didn't really need anymore going on than that...we definitely didn't move in together with the thought of getting married in the near future. It was for sure a cohabitation, not a "well, we're getting married soon, so lets live together" thing. We knew were weren't getting married anytime soon. As it turned out, we ended up going our separate ways after five years. It was incredibly painful and difficult to un-entwine our lives, it wasn't an "easy out" by any means, but it was EXCEEDINGLY less complicated than severing a legally binding contract, having to sort out jointly purchased real estate, having to work out custody arrangements, etc.

Some people would look at my situation, and say, "So, you uprooted your life, worked on building a future with a guy who decided abruptly to cash it in after five years, and what were you left with? Alone in a new place, none of the protections of marriage, nothing to show for having paid into someone's home equity for three years, etc. Raw deal."

I look at it and say,"Thank God we weren't married. Thank God I don't have to unload a house with him. Thank God we have no kids. Watching how he divested himself of our dog, and not being able to do anything about it was bad enough. No, thank God it was comparative "easy." "All" I had to deal with was heartache, not heartache plus legal and financial ramifications." I would have been paying rent and utilities anywhere I was living, just paying a landlord and not him. Am I bummed that I paid into his home equity when I never even wanted a house? Eh. It is what it is. Karma's a *****, and he ended up really regretting his choice to buy the home anyway, so that's his cross to bear. Did I move to a new place for him? Yup. And I got a good job, made good friends, etc. My whole life didn't implode just because he dumped me, shocking though it was. Had we been married, the exact same thing would have played out five years in. He would have had the same wandering eye, the same inner misgivings that he chose not to voice over the years, the same unhappiness within himself...I just would have had to go through a messy divorce, rather than a messy breakup. I'm fine with it the way it was.

After we parted ways, I met someone else, and eventually, we reached the point where we decided to live together. I have no misgivings about it, whatsoever, even though we are definitely looking toward marriage and a family in the much more near future than I was with my ex. Totally different scenarios, totally different people. He is much more traditionally marriage-minded than my ex, and overall, suits me better, as far as what we want out of life. I have no regrets about past cohabitation, and no misgivings about current cohabitation.

That said, I was and am a single person with no children, choosing to live with another single person with no children, in each circumstance. I feel like cohabitation as a single person is a different situation than cohabitation as a person with a family. Two different sets of variables, considerations are different, etc. Blending households is its whole own thing with its own factors and considerations.
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Old 08-06-2013, 11:33 AM
 
5,121 posts, read 6,788,364 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by luckynumber4 View Post
So, what's the difference?
The difference is the nature of the relationship.

I think it's best put in this article. Archived-Articles: The Differences Between Marriage and Cohabitation :

Quote:

Sometimes couples choose to live together as a substitute for marriage even though they profess love for each other and want a permanent relationship. They explain that if the relationship goes sour, they want to avoid the trouble, expense, and emotional trauma of a divorce. The couple does not understand that without the commitment of marriage, there is little incentive or likelihood that they will work through their problems or that they will maintain the relationship under pressure. It is more likely that one or the other will "cut and run" when conflict arises, since each person's individuality is more likely stronger than their relationship together.

What research shows is that cohabitating relationships in the United States tend to be fragile and relatively short in duration...

Research conducted at Western Washington University found that there is less sexual fidelity between cohabiting partners, with 20 percent of the cohabiting women cheating compared with only 4 percent of the married women. The National Sex Survey (polling 3,500 people) reported that men in cohabitating relationships are 4 times more likely to be unfaithful than husbands and that women in cohabitating relationships are 8 times more likely to cheat than are wives.


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Old 08-06-2013, 11:45 AM
 
Location: Katonah, NY
21,192 posts, read 25,116,307 times
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It seems, and understandably so, that people have all different ideas of what living together means or why you would do it. Personally, my husband and I just saw it as the next step in our relationship. We were pretty sure we'd get married from early on in our relationship. I don't think we even formally decided to live together - he was on tour a lot and he would stay with me during his layoffs. Then, we were basically living together. Then we got engaged. Then we got married. Our whole relationship was pretty smooth and seamless - no hard transitions or growing pains. It worked for us. Every couple is different and everyone sees living together and marriage differently. Hopefully, both people are on the same page - that's what's really important. My best friend moved in with a guy thinking that it was the next step in their relationship and he saw it as a test - in which their relationship failed. Luckily, the next guy she moved in with ended up being her husband and they are really happy.
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Old 08-06-2013, 12:06 PM
 
5,121 posts, read 6,788,364 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dewdrop93 View Post
It seems, and understandably so, that people have all different ideas of what living together means or why you would do it. Personally, my husband and I just saw it as the next step in our relationship. We were pretty sure we'd get married from early on in our relationship. I don't think we even formally decided to live together - he was on tour a lot and he would stay with me during his layoffs. Then, we were basically living together. Then we got engaged. Then we got married. Our whole relationship was pretty smooth and seamless - no hard transitions or growing pains. It worked for us. Every couple is different and everyone sees living together and marriage differently. Hopefully, both people are on the same page - that's what's really important. My best friend moved in with a guy thinking that it was the next step in their relationship and he saw it as a test - in which their relationship failed. Luckily, the next guy she moved in with ended up being her husband and they are really happy.
There are no absolutes and everyone is different of course. Like I said originally. I am torn because I can see where living together with my Ex would have exposed his infidelity and sleeping around. But despite that expereince, I still think living together first doesn't make things easier for a marriage the way a lot of people think and can set things up for failure depending on the motivations and values of the people involved. I think way too many people use living together as a way of thinking it's like a marriage, but they still think of themselves as an individual and not part of a team. I also think that it can result in bitterness and conflict if one person sees it as a prelude to marriage, but the other doesn't.
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Old 08-06-2013, 12:13 PM
 
Location: Tampa (by way of Omaha)
14,561 posts, read 23,012,670 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheHurricaneKid View Post
In my state you can get fined for doing that. In others, living together becomes common law.
There is no common law marriage in Florida after 1968. The anti-cohabitation law is still on the books, but I don't know of any times in recent memory where it was enforced.

Regardless, the overwhelming opinion of the legal community is that the anti-cohabitation laws are unconstitutional. There are many SCOTUS cases that have touched on this sort of issue (Lawrence v. Texas, McLaughlin v. Florida just to name a few) and a North Carolina state courted recently overturned their anti-cohabitation law on constitutional grounds as well.
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Old 08-06-2013, 02:24 PM
 
13,513 posts, read 19,235,612 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by luckynumber4 View Post
So, what's the difference?
Believe me, there really isn't...living together first is...kinda like trying out a sample to see if you'll like it before you buy it.
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Old 08-06-2013, 02:39 PM
 
1,341 posts, read 1,623,430 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jillabean View Post
The difference is the nature of the relationship.

I think it's best put in this article. Archived-Articles: The Differences Between Marriage and Cohabitation :


I find the whole deal absurd about women cheating less in marriage than cohabitation. If you want to know why, just ask yourself how come that percentage of men raising someone else's child unknowingly is the same regardless if being married or not when the child was conceived or born.


It's just that being married makes people less vocal about cheating in marriage, cohabiting couples are younger and age plays factor as well, having children also plays the factor, etc. It doesn't mean that older people don't cheat or that couples with children aren't prone to cheat or separate or whatever else you might think of - it's just that it's LESS LIKELY that it's going to occur. And in a country with over 300 million people you can easily say that there are millions of cheaters with various profiles and demographics.

Other than that - people who cohabit are more prone to keep one foot on the exit door as many can attest. This definitely means that they may be actually cheating on each other and returning back and so on and so forth. It's just that they possibly can't get to find someone else who's going to be a "better deal", they might even have a child together, of poor economics, etc, generally a bad prospect for potentially a new person of a better quality than their current "spouse".


Bottom line is that people actually cohabit and never proceed towards marriage because they don't want. They don't want to do that because state offers numerous benefits when they have a life that includes preschool children. They don't want to do that because they don't want the financial burden and effects of divorce either. The whole deal is rather silly that such pair couple who don't want to marry would actually be any better if they'd marry.
If you want the proof that they won't.... check out that in a number of countries they introduced a common-law marriage that effectively equalizes formal and non-formal marriage in almost all aspects, but it solves nothing other than scamming people into a legal contract that they wanted to avoid in the first place.

Last edited by nald; 08-06-2013 at 02:51 PM..
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Old 08-06-2013, 09:25 PM
 
9,659 posts, read 10,210,539 times
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I wonder how many people that said marriage before moving in are women.
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Old 08-06-2013, 09:34 PM
 
15,714 posts, read 21,039,892 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheHurricaneKid View Post
I wonder how many people that said marriage before moving in are women.
I'm female and I voted Marriage before moving in.

I'm not willing to compromise on a lot of things and I don't like sharing with someone that is temporary in my life.
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Old 08-06-2013, 09:38 PM
 
Location: New York
757 posts, read 1,100,998 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheHurricaneKid View Post
Or be sure to marry before living together?

Seems like there are two schools of thought in a certain thread in this forum..
Yes, I want to know what the hell i'm getting myself into. You don't truly know someone unless you live with them first.
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