Why is this bugging me? (wife, marriage, love, cheating)
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So I'm newly married and we are very happy together. Our relationship is very strong. We had a short conversation yesterday, though, that has been bugging me a little bit. I thought I'd present the situation to the gurus here at CD to get some opinions and perspective. I believe it's pretty minor so I'm trying to figure out exactly why it's bugging me and see if anyone thinks it's even worth talking to my wife about.
Things at work are crazy right now. It's possible I might work very late tonight and need to work my whole weekend away. I'm not too happy about it but it's hard to avoid here and there. Anyway, tonight her family is celebrating her grandma's birthday with dinner and such. Family events are important to her so I do whatever I can to be there with her.
So the issue: I came home last night and told her I might be forced to work late tonight and lose my whole weekend to work. I guess I was looking for some sympathy. Instead, the first thing she says is "you're going to be home in time to go to my grandma's birthday right?" Her tone was very clearly like giving me an order as opposed to sincerely asking if I was going to miss it. I understand that it's important to her to have me there, but I was hoping she'd at least side with me or offer some sympathy for losing my weekend before forcefully implying that her priorities should take clear precedence over mine.
Am I being selfish or oversensitive for letting something like this bother me? I tend to brush things like this off and very few things really get to me. I feel like worrying about it is an overreaction but I can't seem to talk myself out of it. Any thoughts?
You are not being selfish or too sensitive. You are reacting to the fact that she is reacting with an upset and disappointed reaction.
I think it is important to have a level headed talk with her about it. Just remind her that as a condition of your employment this is an obligation you must meet. That you are disappointed too. That it is not to hurt her or avoid the get together. Ask her for her understanding.
It's one of those "little things" and they will come up in your new marriage all the time. The important thing is to keep communicating the expectations and have some understanding. When communication breaks down is when people start to harbor resentment and little things become overblown.
I think you both have a legitimate reason to be upset - and sometimes that makes you upset with each other although I think you are both simply upset with the circumstances. Family events are really important to her - she really wanted you to be there. She's really upset that you might not be there. If she's like me - she's been looking forward to this and had counted on you being there. It's not that she's not sympathetic - and I'm sure given some time - she'll show you that. I have a feeling that she's just really disappointed. And as for you - I think you're really upset with the situation as well - so you are taking her disappointment personally and it's adding to the stress you have from already being overworked.
My husband goes through periods of time when he has to work crazy hours. Actually, he's had to work a lot more than he thought he would for the past few months - even though we thought he'd be over the hump in April. We try not to let it get to us - but sometimes we can get a little snippier with each other because we BOTH want to spend more time with each other.
DO NOTHING. Don't let this become a bigger issue than it is.
This is the kind of thing that just happens when each partner in the marriage has an emotional reaction to something and both get their feelings hurt.
She couldn't give you the support you needed at the moment because she didn't feel she was getting support for what she needed, see?
Let your feelings settle down and you'll see this for what it is, and nothing more
I like this reply best.
I think addressing it further makes it into an issue when it really isn't. But I do like Checkered's comment, if it comes up, to say that you're disappointed too.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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I think you have a legitimate gripe. Her rebuttal did not offer any understanding that you do not have a choice in this matter. She has a reason to be upset but I think she needs to understand that this is a part of life and make it known to you she does understand.
OP, you're not in the wrong here, but have you discussed with her (prior to this event) that sometimes work gets very demanding and you may have to put in extra hours and/or weekends to get things done? And, did you add that you would work very hard to prevent it from becoming a regular occurrence? If not, then you might need to do all that you can to make an appearance with her family--and then go to work.
Explain to her that you value time with family just as much as she does, and that you want to be there for as long as possible. Go in separate vehicles so you can make your exit when you've stayed long enough to demonstrate you care.
In other words, compromise. And (one last piece of advice), make sure your wife knows you won't make a habit out of "cheating" on her with your work. Trust me, it's easy to get into the habit of working long hours and missing key events at home or with family.
I think addressing it further makes it into an issue when it really isn't. But I do like Checkered's comment, if it comes up, to say that you're disappointed too.
thanks
I too agree with Checkered that the important thing is good communication - which frankly can be hard to have when both parties are feeling overly emotional.
Feelings are never "wrong" they just ARE.
Once partners get past the heat of the moment they can communicate more effectively about their expectations and/or disappointments.
It also helps if before you tell your partner how you feel they hurt you, you tell them how you can see how you have hurt them.
Showing empathy for the other person's position is always a good starting point in any prickly discussion
Things at work are crazy right now. It's possible I might work very late tonight and need to work my whole weekend away. I'm not too happy about it but it's hard to avoid here and there.
Is this a once a month thing, a once every six months thing, once a year thing? If it is frequent, then maybe you need a new job.
So I'm newly married and we are very happy together. Our relationship is very strong. We had a short conversation yesterday, though, that has been bugging me a little bit. I thought I'd present the situation to the gurus here at CD to get some opinions and perspective. I believe it's pretty minor so I'm trying to figure out exactly why it's bugging me and see if anyone thinks it's even worth talking to my wife about.
Things at work are crazy right now. It's possible I might work very late tonight and need to work my whole weekend away. I'm not too happy about it but it's hard to avoid here and there. Anyway, tonight her family is celebrating her grandma's birthday with dinner and such. Family events are important to her so I do whatever I can to be there with her.
So the issue: I came home last night and told her I might be forced to work late tonight and lose my whole weekend to work. I guess I was looking for some sympathy. Instead, the first thing she says is "you're going to be home in time to go to my grandma's birthday right?" Her tone was very clearly like giving me an order as opposed to sincerely asking if I was going to miss it. I understand that it's important to her to have me there, but I was hoping she'd at least side with me or offer some sympathy for losing my weekend before forcefully implying that her priorities should take clear precedence over mine.
Am I being selfish or oversensitive for letting something like this bother me? I tend to brush things like this off and very few things really get to me. I feel like worrying about it is an overreaction but I can't seem to talk myself out of it. Any thoughts?
You have to work. That's it.
You're newly married and it takes time to get used this. My H works weekends, nights and holidays. It took time but I got used to it. Then when kids come along, you have to get used to it all over again.
It's not a crisis missing a birthday but it is if you're unemployed and can't pay the bills. This is what I had to remember every time he had to work Christmas or Easter or a birthday.
Last edited by kat247; 08-09-2013 at 12:52 PM..
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