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Well, I've always thought things could be worked out. Our last major fight started out because of the following. I went out with my friends and stayed a bit late. She turned up at my house (without telling me she was coming) to find my apartment locked. Parking at my apt. is a problem so she had to find a spot a little ways away and walk about 5-7 mins. When I got back later she came back again and started saying stuff like "if she has to come back twice here she is never coming back ever again". I told her it is unfair to blame me when she didn't even inform me she was coming - how was I to know? In the past I have cut short my time with friends so that I could come back home...we're not even married btw.
She went on a tirade about how I don't give a damn about her, don't appreciate what she does for me etc. etc. which is totally false. I have done more than enough for her.. I take her out all the time, pay 100% of most expenses, take her on vacations, for an upcoming vacation I dropped $1000s on tickets/reservations without even blinking - she has not paid me a dime nor have I asked for a dime from her - why would I spend my hard earned money on her if I didn't care? I also give her massages almost daily, have done anything that she has asked me to do etc. etc. I don't recall a single thing that I have done to show that I do not care so I feel really surprised by this accusation.
I told her if parking is an issue at my apartment why didn't you just tell me to pick you up? She declared that she needn't ask and I should've offered and since I didn't offer on my own I don't care about her. Well, how the heck am I supposed to know if she doesn't ask? She did mention parking is a problem but I thought she is dealing with it fine. BTW, she lives only a mile away from me so it's not like she is driving 100 miles to see me. She comes to my apt almost daily to sleep over because hanging out at my place is far better - I have a big TV and better living space etc. while her apt. has nothing in it as she is actually renting a room. In addition parking at her place is even worse than my place...so it makes sense for her to make the mile journey instead of me going to hers. In my view it's not such a big deal. She even got mad that I have not given her a key as a solution so that she would not have to wait outside if the apt. is locked - well, this is the VERY FIRST time this has ever happened, virtually every time in the past I have been there.
So, I was defending myself and she was continuing to throw tantrums. Then she proclaimed that I was the one not listening (so I don't have the right to defend myself against baseless accusations?). Anyway, instead of calming down she stormed out the door.
Initially my thought was to not call her at all and expect her to call me. In any case, I did make the call the next day (against the advice of my sis) to meet and talk about things.
So, I asked her if she feels I am not a caring type then why is she with me? When I pose this question she immediately changes her tune and says I am the best guy ever and she is ready to marry me. What sense does that make?? Why would someone want to marry a guy who she has claimed does not appreciate her? Please tell me if this makes any sense?
I also asked her "If I had not called you back would you have called me?" She said "no, I would've waited a week and then called you and broke off with you because it would've told me you don't care". So it's this easy for her to terminate an 18 month relationship? Yet she wants me to ask her to marry me?
Now, I am thinking this may be a bad relationship to continue because if I get married to her I may be subject to these episodes and since she has stormed out on me last time on such a silly issue what happens when we have bigger issues after marriage...she may just say F** off and divorce me in a snap!
The problem is that when things are good between us she is the most affectionate person you can be and things are awesome but then when things go bad (which appears to be totally random and triggered almost exclusively by her accusing me of doing something I have no clue of) she turns into a totally different personality that I just cannot get along with. It's one extreme to the other.
To put it briefly, I am a very simple guy. I want to live my life in peace without any fights and stress. So, if I think this relationship is going to cause me stress in the future I think it may be better to end it. Your thoughts?
Well, there are always two sides of a story. However, the pattern you describe sounds like she's got some emotional issues. How old are you two?
My gut reaction after reading your post is that it doesn't really sound like you are ready to be in a relationship with someone that goes much deeper than just dating. I'm not saying she's perfect or that you're somehow a bad guy... you guys may just set each other off in a bad way... but in reading all of this, it sounds like a lot of the conflict is forming because she's looking for someone who wants to be a boyfriend/husband committed type, and you're looking for something that requires less personal compromising than that. Like with the stuff about not giving her a key, "we're not even married", going out late with friends, not wanting to call after you fought and your sister having to tell you to... sure, it was the first time... but someone who's thinking long term does think of those things and does get concerned about the idea of his partner being locked out and does want to call and make things right. Someone who wants something committed wants to talk it out and work things out.
You sound like you want things to be easy rather than working towards finding understanding and learning to work as a team. If that's the case, you probably need to wait for someone who's just like you, and won't require compromising, or else something that isn't as committed. A lot of her complaints (your words) include "you don't care" which I think is the deeper message of what's upsetting her here. You feel that by giving/buying her things, it's showing caring. Fair enough, and I believe you do care, but most women want to see actions that show caring too (like that YOU would be upset enough to want to call and make up, or that YOU would be upset by the idea of her being locked out.)
Bottom line, I disagree with others who are saying she's got something wrong with her (I don't see that at all) and I don't think there seems to be anything wrong with you. But you two may not be a good enough match for it to work out if both of you don't want the relationship enough to dig in there and work on it--and it sounds like you don't (no idea about her.) In that case, you're probably better off parting ways so you can each find someone who makes you happier.
All are valid points to the OP (esp her not having a key) but her way of reacting still comes off to me as immature and potentially dangerous. Storming off like a five year old? Turning hot and cold like that?
Screams bipolar/borderline etc. to me.
The OP can certainly learn from this, but I think his lessons are better saved for the next relationship, because this woman comes off as unstable.
When I ask my current GF why she loves me her response is because I am a stable, fiscally responsible person. This is not quite what I want to hear because those are not my personality attributes. Anyone can be stable and financially sound, that is not a good enough reason to be with them or marry them.
Actually she may have borderline personality disorder - reading the symptoms it seems like quite a match. She has admitted to me that she has a huge fear of abandonment, her father was an alcoholic loser who cheated on her mom and left the family when she was young.
When I ask my current GF why she loves me her response is because I am a stable, fiscally responsible person. This is not quite what I want to hear because those are not my personality attributes. Anyone can be stable and financially sound, that is not a good enough reason to be with them or marry them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CrueRulz
Hmm. Giant red flag. Gold digger?
Not necessarily. If this poor girl grew up in a family where her father was an alcoholic loser who cheated on her mom, then abandoned the family when she was very young then of course she is going to be seeking out stability in any adult relationship she has. How could something like that not have a profound influence on what a young girl comes to value? Perhaps the OP was looking for a flashier answer, but the truth is, women who are looking for something serious and committed are looking for those strong, stable qualities in a life partner. They could probably take or leave sexy and the life of the party, but when you're looking for a man to share a life with, it's foolish to discount stability, being responsible, being driven and able to handle one's finances, etc.
Quote:
Originally Posted by redrocket2
Actually she may have borderline personality disorder - reading the symptoms it seems like quite a match. She has admitted to me that she has a huge fear of abandonment, her father was an alcoholic loser who cheated on her mom and left the family when she was young.
And certainly, that could give her a hot-button reaction to feeling like you "don't care" which you said she's stated to you at several points. As a child, she suffered through the ultimate example of the most influential man in her life "not caring" about her or her mother. That could easily explain why it's so hurtful to her when she feels that from you. It could also explain why she doesn't have the tools to sit there and talk it out, if she never saw her parents model that behavior in a relationship.
Bottom line, I think sometimes people on here are too quick to throw out labels and diagnoses, particularly since all we ever get is the other party's side of the story. And OP, I'm not saying you should stay with this girl (you two sound like you punch a lot of bad buttons for each other), but I would caution you against deciding in your head: "She's just a mess. I'm perfect. I did nothing wrong. I have nothing to fix or do differently next time," because that's just so rarely the case in any failed relationship. Usually the truth of what went wrong lies somewhere in the middle and if you learn from your part in it you have a better chance of not making the same mistakes with your next partner. Good luck.
Not necessarily. If this poor girl grew up in a family where her father was an alcoholic loser who cheated on her mom, then abandoned the family when she was very young then of course she is going to be seeking out stability in any adult relationship she has. How could something like that not have a profound influence on what a young girl comes to value? Perhaps the OP was looking for a flashier answer, but the truth is, women who are looking for something serious and committed are looking for those strong, stable qualities in a life partner. They could probably take or leave sexy and the life of the party, but when you're looking for a man to share a life with, it's foolish to discount stability, being responsible, being driven and able to handle one's finances, etc.
And certainly, that could give her a hot-button reaction to feeling like you "don't care" which you said she's stated to you at several points. As a child, she suffered through the ultimate example of the most influential man in her life "not caring" about her or her mother. That could easily explain why it's so hurtful to her when she feels that from you. It could also explain why she doesn't have the tools to sit there and talk it out, if she never saw her parents model that behavior in a relationship.
Bottom line, I think sometimes people on here are too quick to throw out labels and diagnoses, particularly since all we ever get is the other party's side of the story. And OP, I'm not saying you should stay with this girl (you two sound like you punch a lot of bad buttons for each other), but I would caution you against deciding in your head: "She's just a mess. I'm perfect. I did nothing wrong. I have nothing to fix or do differently next time," because that's just so rarely the case in any failed relationship. Usually the truth of what went wrong lies somewhere in the middle and if you learn from your part in it you have a better chance of not making the same mistakes with your next partner. Good luck.
Stability is fine, and important, yes. However, the bolded is also the recipe for a sexless marriage. She might want to be wtih you, but she doesn't WANT you in the way most men hope to be wanted.
So I'll echo the others, but for a different reason - you marry this girl, the sex WILL stop. I guaran-damn-tee it.
Stability is fine, and important, yes. However, the bolded is also the recipe for a sexless marriage. She might want to be wtih you, but she doesn't WANT you in the way most men hope to be wanted.
So I'll echo the others, but for a different reason - you marry this girl, the sex WILL stop. I guaran-damn-tee it.
Has the OP posted anything about sex being a problem? I'm not saying it isn't/couldn't be, since anything could happen 20 years from now, but I wonder if this is too big a leap to make...
The truth is, people pick partners for lots of reasons. Some of them are PC reasons that everyone wants to hear. And a guy might say "I love you for your great personality" while really being totally attracted to her boobs/butt and if she had the same personality in an unattractive body, it wouldn't work for him. That's not an answer any girl wants to hear though. And it may be that the GF is attracted to other things too, but that's what she chose to share.
And again, I think some underestimate that steady and secure and caring can be a huge attraction for women. Not every girl out there is looking for a bad boy.
and what happens if tomorrow I lose that ability to be financially secure? Life is unpredictable and ***** happens... one needs a partner that will be there for you regardless of your resources
and what happens if tomorrow I lose that ability to be financially secure? Life is unpredictable and ***** happens... one needs a partner that will be there for you regardless of your resources
But realistically, anything could happen and there is no choice on earth that can prevent every "what if" scenario.
What if aliens attack the planet and money no longer exists?
What if you are in an accident tomorrow and paralyzed and no other woman wants you?
One also needs a partner who will be there for you regardless of whether or not it's convenient for them, and will help you heal hurts from your past (like her childhood) rather than wield it as a weapon against you. Right now, it's clear she doesn't have that. You like her when there's no stress involved for you. You don't have the strength to handle anything deeper like addressing the relationship issues that are making her feel uncared for. Or perhaps, you just don't care enough to try. So why should you expect her to dig deeper if you lost your job? I really have to wonder if you're seeking to be "right" in this too, and make her the "wrong" person to validate yourself that much more. If you really think all the things about her you've listed here, I can't understand why you wouldn't just end it.
Bottom line: you don't sound like you like her very much. The way you talk about her doesn't convey much if any respect. You've listed post after post of things you don't like and things that drive you crazy. Fine. Just end it. She deserves someone who thinks she's awesome. You deserve someone who thinks you're awesome. You two don't seem to have the tools to provide what the other is looking for and needs to be happy. She'd probably be over the moon happy with a better guy for her. And you'd probably feel the same with a better girl for you.
Sometimes it's hardest to walk away from an almost-match.
She sounds like a princess to me. Its all me me me me. Making big issues out of little ones, and its all about her. I may be offbase, but I know too many relationships, long lasting relationships, where people really get along really well. Theres compromise, theres a lot of laughter, and most importantly not making big issues out of little ones. Because big issues will eventually show up, and if theres drama over little issues, what will happen with big ones? I dont know, just doesnt sound like a relationship with a future to me.
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