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Old 08-11-2013, 07:08 PM
 
33 posts, read 66,645 times
Reputation: 58

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All my friends say that I shouldn't be doing what I'm doing.
I'm older, 36, I've been married and divorced. I was single for two years before my first post-divorce relationship in November which lasted all of five months... and I recently hooked up with my oldest friend in town.
All of my friends (well, save this one that I'm now sleeping with) say that this is a bad decision. They say this because we have a history together. One which usually consists of us sleeping together, me urging a relationship, and him taking a step back. It's more complicated than that, involving International working opportunities, several long-term relationships with other partners and a family tragedy... all dating back for almost 15 years.
And here I am again. The same as I was in my 20s. I'm offended when I see on Facebook he's making plans to hang out with people without me because it's further reminder that he just doesn't like me in that way. I have to remind myself that, though it feels strange to be involved with him again, nothing is going to develop beyond this point. I keep telling myself that if any feelings were going to develop, it would have happened by now. His come back into town after a weekend away and his first inkling is to find other people to hang out with, not me. And even over the years, I've known that our friendship has always been a bit peripheral, seeing one another once a month or thereabouts.
I guess, knowing that sleeping with my friend is simply that - no relationship, no love, no romance (though there's the potential for a greater - if not stranger - friendship) - is it worth it for me to go forward?
Should I accept the comfort of physical attraction? I think I'll try to continue dating on the side...
I'm writing here because I can't keep getting offended by his Facebook posts, it's ridiculous. Though I know it has to do with the proof that he's "Just not that into me."
And what of the other side of it... could it be that I am talking myself out of feelings, or out of observable truths to allow conventional wisdom to paint over a potential relationship.
I know conventional wisdom is psychology at its most basic level and therefore should be trusted... but maybe it's also causing me to blind myself?
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Old 08-11-2013, 07:30 PM
 
15,013 posts, read 21,606,283 times
Reputation: 12334
No, I think this is a bad relationship for you and you should get out of it and cut ties.
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Old 08-11-2013, 07:35 PM
 
33 posts, read 66,645 times
Reputation: 58
Yeah. I think I need to talk with him. We were sending cutesy texts over the weekend (we've always had a witty repartee, but never on romance) and I found myself starting to anticipate... well, let's face it, the sex - which is pretty amazing... but keeping my emotions out of the game is going to be a struggle.
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Old 08-11-2013, 08:00 PM
 
Location: southwest TN
8,568 posts, read 18,070,811 times
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It sounds to me as if you have a friends with benefits relationship. Meaning you each get out of it good sex with no strings. Each of you is free to do whatever you'd like: date, have relationships, etc.

If this is not what you want, then you need to be clear to him. If you are looking for a life relationship, it may be that he is also - and perhaps he would even consider you. Talking will help clarify. However, be prepared for him to say he's only looking at your friendship as FWB or No-strings-sex.
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Old 08-11-2013, 08:00 PM
 
15,013 posts, read 21,606,283 times
Reputation: 12334
Quote:
Originally Posted by rekette View Post
Yeah. I think I need to talk with him. We were sending cutesy texts over the weekend (we've always had a witty repartee, but never on romance) and I found myself starting to anticipate... well, let's face it, the sex - which is pretty amazing... but keeping my emotions out of the game is going to be a struggle.
Is he getting together with other women from Facebook, etc.? If so, it should be okay for you to start doing the same with men and I recommend it. You should look elsewhere for a real relationship and stop having sex with him if you're getting your feelings hurt.
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Old 08-11-2013, 08:10 PM
 
17,869 posts, read 20,963,134 times
Reputation: 13949
Do what you want. If it satisfies you, you should continue doing it until it doesn't.
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Old 08-11-2013, 08:20 PM
 
Location: Florida
2,289 posts, read 5,763,846 times
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If you are comfortable with being his booty call, then stay with it...if not, move on and find yourself a true partner.
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Old 08-11-2013, 08:22 PM
 
33 posts, read 66,645 times
Reputation: 58
I'm not sure I necessarily want to stop RIGHT NOW... but what I do need to do is NOT anticipate anything, NOT expect anything and talk to him the moment it starts messing with my emotions.

I do want to be in love again and find a partner who really works with me, but I'm actually in a precarious employment situation right now that prevents me from that. His distance is actually a good thing, considering what I have to get through considering my (non)employment.
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Old 08-11-2013, 08:32 PM
 
12,535 posts, read 15,173,486 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rekette View Post
And even over the years, I've known that our friendship has always been a bit peripheral, seeing one another once a month or thereabouts.
I guess, knowing that sleeping with my friend is simply that - no relationship, no love, no romance (though there's the potential for a greater - if not stranger - friendship) - is it worth it for me to go forward?
No, because it's making you unhappy.

You're 36, at a point in your life where you should know that you don't need to play by any rules other than your own or worry about what other people think. If you can't have a FWB situation without developing romantic feelings for a man or feeling possessive or hurt, that's okay. That's not how you're built, so why not own it? You have nothing to prove to your friends. Only yourself. Kick this guy to the curb and put your time and effort into finding the kind of relationship that will make you happy.
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Old 08-11-2013, 08:35 PM
 
6,732 posts, read 9,976,371 times
Reputation: 6848
(Edited to remove the part lilac already said, just above me )

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I'm all for casual relationships -- and your life sit sounds perfect for one -- but only when both parties want exactly the same thing. That's not what you've got.

Maybe what you need is a different FWB, one you just met, who is great in bed.
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