Should I be worried about past drug abuse ? (dating, boyfriend, woman)

[Bsbabe]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years. We are very much in love and see a definite future with each other. Ofcourse we both have our quirks and a past that does not include each other, especially because he is 8 years older than me. I have been struggling recently with the fact that while me and my boyfriend were not together he used very hard drugs on a regular basis such as cocaine, heroine, meth, ketamine, ecstasy, acid,etc the list goes on and on. I haven't seen any present drug use but somehow it still upsets me. I was dating someone before him who was very well into drugs and it ruined his life and our relationship. Although my boyfriend now shows no signs of using drugs I can't help but get upset every single time he talks about it with someone else. So do I have even a little bit of a right to be upset? Am I blowing this out of proportion ? How can I overcome my feelings ??

[mainebrokerman]

the past is haunting you,,,,and may be unfair to new guy,,
but,, you can make it clear that you will not date nor be in a relationship with a drug user-

he may have come clean,,, and it wont be a problem...
if he has thats great!!

[Checkered24]

People will always come with baggage from their past. If he is now clean I would not see it as alarming. If he is still using, then I would not try to build a relationship there.

What is the tenor of his discussions of the past. A longing for a return? Or regret? Or indifference?

[Kin Atoms]

What Checkered said. Reminiscence can become a slippery slope. Unless he's in an NA meeting, there's no need for this discussion in the general public. It's like any guy talking any time about a woman he had been with while dating someone new. It's history, you can't go back (unless you really want to, then it's like swallowing vomit). BTW, IMO, for that spread of chemical delicacies, he must have been trying to hide or avoid something monstrous. There may be something bigger that he's hiding from his past. What does he not talk about or in what domain does he not function?

No one does that level (breadth) of pharmacopeia just for experimentation, a little dabbling. They typically do it to try to fix a huge failing. Watch this one. Relapse looms big for such an individual as this. Persons who seem clean wind up on the M. E.'s slab in their fifties and early sixties, OD'd on major stuff off the street. Many just learn to look cleaner, doesn't mean they've kicked it. And when you are in your fifties and sixties, the habit's so ingrained, you just take the stuff with your Geritol and little blue pill. It's only one more dose.

[GraciousVox]

Well you are already 2 years in, it seems silly to break up with him over past drug use now rather than getting involved with him in the first place. Plenty of people put a history of hardcore drug use behind them, they just don't go around telling everyone because so many people assume they will relapse. No, being in NA is not a requirement. I am speaking from personal experience by the way, clean since 1999.

[STT Resident]

I feel for you and know that predicament well. I agree with the previous poster that, "No one does that level (breadth) of pharmacopeia just for experimentation, a little dabbling. They typically do it to try to fix a huge failing. Watch this one." It's a hugely tough call but if you do get to the point where a permanent relationship is in the future, I'd strongly suggest joint counseling. Unfortunately I've been there done that and the end result was totally devastating, something I wouldn't wish on anyone. All the best to you!

[nald]

I generally wouldn't waste my (and their) time with a person who had a history of drug abuse. Let's be honest now, people can change but this "experience" is a serious liability and the big problem is that those folks will likely return to the old habits even if you disregard all other "side effects".
My saying is that birds of a feather flock together. People who had history of drug abuse are going to work best with people who have similar "drawback". It's really great that you want to be someone's redemption but lots of people had to learn it the hard way that they shouldn't be someone's savior because it's a serious liability and they shouldn't put their own life at "risk" over someone who just told them a sad story about their troubles.

Biggest problem with any of the vices is that it's generally related to their circle of people that they were spending their life with. Drug users (or more notably their families) can and often take measures to save themselves from that life, but even when they come back and get their life into normalcy they are at a constant and serious risk of returning to old habits because their former friends and comrades will be dragging them to the old habits.
Same is true with any other vice you may name, alcoholism, felon behavior, gambling, etc.

[kitkatbar]

Originally Posted by Bsbabe

I have been struggling recently with the fact that while me and my boyfriend were not together he used very hard drugs on a regular basis such as cocaine, heroine, meth, ketamine, ecstasy, acid,etc the list goes on and on.

If you'd told me he experimented a little as a very young man, or smoked a little pot for a few years, perhaps that would sway my opinion in a different direction, but this is a very long list of some very hard drugs, and you're saying he used regularly. That's pretty scary. What sort of treatment is he in now to cope with whatever was making him turn to that? Because, let's face it, life is going to throw stressful things at you: a job loss, the birth of a child, one partner becoming sick... how has he changed his coping methods?

Originally Posted by Bsbabe

Although my boyfriend now shows no signs of using drugs I can't help but get upset every single time he talks about it with someone else. So do I have even a little bit of a right to be upset? Am I blowing this out of proportion ? How can I overcome my feelings ??

Unless these conversations are exclusively him saying how much he regrets it with someone like a parent or therapist, I would run and never look back. If he's talking about it in a casual way, or has any contact with people he used to use drugs with, or who use drugs themselves, that's a huge red flag, not that he's using now, but that he's not taking drastic enough steps to get himself away from a situation where he could easily backslide in a time of stress.

[Frihed89]

I don't blame you. I'd be worried, too, and it would affect my ability to get too close emotionally. I have been there...on both ends...over 35 years ago!

[JrzDefector]

Is he hedonistic by nature? I mean if this was pot and the occasional bump of coke or hit of ecstasy, I wouldn't be freaking. But heroin AND meth? I've dated some people with histories that could be considered "colorful," but that kind of regular, hardcore drug usage would be a huge huge huge red flag for me.

I think you need to consider his current behavior (how stable it is), how long it's been since he did any hard drugs, whether he's been to rehab, what his habits are now, etc.

I know there are some people who use drugs pretty regularly and never end up getting addicted, but I've never heard of anything to that degree. I also wonder what kind of void he was trying to fill or problem he was avoiding. I dated a guy in college who used a pretty wide variety of drugs - nice, sweet guy, but he was an alcoholic with severe mental health problems. I'd say that all the drinking and the wide variety of drugs he used (I was young and naive, and probably didn't realize the extent) were largely his way of coping with his bipolar-type issues.