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Old 09-01-2013, 08:03 PM
 
Location: Sunny Florida
7,136 posts, read 12,634,233 times
Reputation: 9547

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Quote:
Originally Posted by New-beginning View Post
Electrician,
Well that could of been worse, I guess.
I appreciate the nice words. Things will be much better in a week when I can move out. Packing 17 years of memories together has been very rough. As I packed he watched. I cried because of all the memories. He mad a comment, "I can't remember any good ones in 10 years!" I asked about our children, etc. he then said, " a few good moments, but that's it".

He could write a book on how to destroy a woman's self esteem.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. You sound like a wonderful woman. I know it's hard right now, but you will get through this and your life will be better - give it time. If taking it one day at a time is too much just take it hour by hour or minute by minute.

Sometimes when the good memories bring you to your knees you just have to focus on the things he did and said at the end and you'll realize you are better off without a lying, cheating man who says mean things to you and tries to destroy your self-esteem.

Remember he's trying to justify his actions and anything he says is suspect. Do not take what he says to heart - he's a liar and cannot be trusted. You know deep down who you are and no one can take that away from you. Your internal dialog needs to counter his negative and demeaning comments. Try to get support from your family and friends, as well.

Many of us have been through this, or something similar, and are sending you good thoughts and strength. You're going to get through this and find happiness again. Take care.
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Old 09-01-2013, 08:05 PM
 
1,057 posts, read 2,408,972 times
Reputation: 618
This should be a warning to all women. OP, I am sorry that you are going through this and I pray that you have the strength to pick up all the pieces and totally move on from this idiot. I am confident that you will, you sound like an amazing person and mother and I know your kids will help in giving you that strength. I prefaced by saying this should be a warning to all women because I strongly believe that women should never abandon their careers/education and sacrifice so much for a man. I have seen countless and countless stories on this and the man eventually just leaves and the woman has to pick up the pieces and start over after being a SAHM and out of the workforce for decades. I don't care how much you love your spouse, I don't care how much money he makes, please, keep your career on track so you have something to fall back on in case something happens. ( OP I am in no way faulting you or saying you should have done this or that yadi yada) I know so many women who stay in bad marriages/relationships just because of all the sacrifices they made and how financially dependent they are on their spouses and it is really sad. My grandmother used to tell me when i was a child " your education is your first husband and it will never leave you or come home one day and ask you to leave", same goes with career. Some people are truly selfish and will not hesitate to walk away from years of a life built together for the sake of their own pleasure. I really hope you are going to be okay OP, use this as a life experience and move on, you are still young and have your entire life in front of you, it is not too late to start over, meet someone, put the wheels on your career and create a beautiful life. Just think about it, better now at 35 than at 45 or 55. I wish you the best.
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Old 09-02-2013, 08:15 AM
 
Location: Emerald City
18 posts, read 18,204 times
Reputation: 81
No offense taken. Hindsight is 20/20.

The plus side I guess is that my children will see me complete all of these goals on my own and hopefully have a new respect for their mother. I loved being with my kids and dedicated my life to raise them. Having a child with special needs isn't always easy, but you do what you have to. With all the health sessions and time no me at this point knows he's had struggles. My persistence and hard work have paid off for my sweet child. My two older ones will be in school all day together which helps. What kills me is my two year old will have to be in day care. The hard part is that she is super shy and a real mommy's girl. What makes it worse is, her father is gone so much traveling she only wants me.

Long story, but yesterday my soon to be ex husband took the kids down to his dad's overnight so I could finish parking and had to say good bye to the kids and my daughter was screaming for me. I watched the kids drive away smiling and waving and it almost killed me. After they keft i lost it. I have not been away from the twice for 24 hrs. What killed me is this scene is going to play out several times week after week.

My mom and I packed all my stuff. I have one more room to go. I mentioned to my husband I was packing the board games and he went on a rant about leaving him some! Really? I was going to split them anyway. He hasn't once played a game with the kids in at least three years.

This whole thing is horrible but his behavior and how he is treating me is so horrible. I have to sit there and take it because if I push back before everything is signed an finalized he will pull the plug. What kind of a person does this to someone after they dedicated their life to him and his family?

Fine, you don't love me, and don't find me attractive, but why does he have to be so cruel?

One day, I'll thank him for freeing me from such a horrible person.

It just hurts, as horrible as he is I still don't understand any of this and who he is.
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Old 09-02-2013, 08:41 AM
 
Location: In bucolic TN
1,706 posts, read 3,293,333 times
Reputation: 2412
You are seeing the man for who he is. His Jekyll and Hyde mannerisms have been there all along, and people from your past could probably give you many stories of what he said after you walked away for a moment, while at a dinner party, BBQ, or luncheon. This activity is something to immunize yourself with, as he will likely do this many times and at a worse level, from now into the future. Find a way to dispassionately answer, and go your way. Even the emotional investments of pain are not worth it. He's an unpleasant man, and accepting his appraisal of reality won't offer any benefit.

It is hell to watch your children go away. For me, I watch my child descend into the dungeon every two weeks. When he has come to see me, he is jumping and happy. When he goes home to be with his mother, he is slumped in posture and dull of mood. Divorce is a nightmare, but to children with a discontented parent, the experience is exponentially worse.

Try to stay positive and let them know, 'two homes, two rules, and I will always support you wherever you are.' They will see discrepancies, ask them to draw their own conclusions. They will ask why you left and what would it take for you to get back together and you have to ask these questions honestly. It is not about bashing the other but about upholding standards. 'If this is what I'm looking for, I can't accept anything less, and that's why I'm not with your other parent any longer.' It lets them know what is real without being traumatizing. They can accept values and morals and not making compromises and they can justify making a deliberate stand for what is true and just and fair.
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Old 09-02-2013, 09:56 AM
 
1,057 posts, read 2,408,972 times
Reputation: 618
Quote:
Originally Posted by New-beginning View Post
No offense taken. Hindsight is 20/20.

The plus side I guess is that my children will see me complete all of these goals on my own and hopefully have a new respect for their mother. I loved being with my kids and dedicated my life to raise them. Having a child with special needs isn't always easy, but you do what you have to. With all the health sessions and time no me at this point knows he's had struggles. My persistence and hard work have paid off for my sweet child. My two older ones will be in school all day together which helps. What kills me is my two year old will have to be in day care. The hard part is that she is super shy and a real mommy's girl. What makes it worse is, her father is gone so much traveling she only wants me.

Long story, but yesterday my soon to be ex husband took the kids down to his dad's overnight so I could finish parking and had to say good bye to the kids and my daughter was screaming for me. I watched the kids drive away smiling and waving and it almost killed me. After they keft i lost it. I have not been away from the twice for 24 hrs. What killed me is this scene is going to play out several times week after week.

My mom and I packed all my stuff. I have one more room to go. I mentioned to my husband I was packing the board games and he went on a rant about leaving him some! Really? I was going to split them anyway. He hasn't once played a game with the kids in at least three years.

This whole thing is horrible but his behavior and how he is treating me is so horrible. I have to sit there and take it because if I push back before everything is signed an finalized he will pull the plug. What kind of a person does this to someone after they dedicated their life to him and his family?

Fine, you don't love me, and don't find me attractive, but why does he have to be so cruel?

One day, I'll thank him for freeing me from such a horrible person.

It just hurts, as horrible as he is I still don't understand any of this and who he is.
OP, I totally understand the need/want to stay with your kids and how heartbreaking it is to leave them behind. When I had my daughter, I stayed home with her for 2 years and going back to work was heartbreaking. I remember how horrible I felt the first time I dropped her to daycare, I thought I was going to die and my world was over, she was screaming and it was the first time she's even been with a stranger as she was never babysat or left with anyone else prior to that day. Fast forward 2 years, she loves her preschool, she actually cries when I come to pick her up because she doesn't want to leave her friends. As a mother, I know that there is no greater responsibility that to nurture, love, and teach your little ones before they enter school and we want to be there for everything to protect them, but you know what, letting go though not easy will help them grow and develop into amazing beings.You know i went back to work because things were rocky at home and i wanted an exit strategy, i did not want to be one of those women who stayed in her marriage because she had no other way out, that was a horrible feeling at the time, so I applied to hundreds of jobs till I found something and guess what less than a year after I went back to work, my husband and I were separated. I was so grateful for being back in the workforce at that time, I was able to move out and pay for my house, my bills, my daughter's daycare and start a new life. Had I not been back at work at that time, I don't even know what I would do or where I would be today. That experience taught me the lesson to never ever leave my career to stay home and raise my kids regardless of how noble that is, I need that security blanket.

Now as far as weekend visits go,the first weekend my daughter left to be away the entire weekend with her dad, it ws awful, I felt so alone and miserable and I missed her tremendously, I did not know what to do with myself. You see, I am a very controlling person and I have this urge to control everything, and with my daughter being at her dad's house, I had zero control on what was going on there, what she would eat, ect. so I learned to also let go, I learned to trust that she was with her parent who would treat her right and I learned to trust that she was going to be okay. Now, I am actually looking forward to those weekends sans her My daughter is 4 now, and I miss her on weekends, but I love having those weekends all alone so I can run errands, meet friends, sleep late, do all the things that I can't necessarily do when she is here. I am telling you all of this to let you know that it gets better. What you are going through right now is temporary, you will go past it and you will feel amazing and will wonder why it took you this long to reach that point. Also, do not think any of his behavior and him being an assclown is your fault. A person doesn’t actually have to have done anything wrong in order to be mistreated by another person but many people make the assumption that if they’re being treated badly it’s because they’ve invited it in some way. It’s why a lot of abuse goes unreported, unprosecuted and internalised as being the fault of the victim. Don't do it, the evidence of your husband's behaviour is the evidence of his character, this is who he is and had nothing to do with you.

The other thing you shouldn't do is ask all these hundreds of questions to yourself and expecting answers, it will drive you crazy.You could sit there from here to eternity and ruminate over, “Why did he do this? Why isn't he attracted to me anymore? Why is he putting me out? Was it that time I didn’t answer the phone on three rings? Is it because I wouldn’t have a threesome? It’s because I gave him too much? Maybe I should have given him more? Is it because I had needs? Because, because, because, because…” I know we like to think that there’s a reason for everything but the reason for ‘everything’ doesn’t have to be about you.It’s not about you. The reason why someone is mistreating you is because that’s what they do. If you are feeling depressed, hurt, it is normal and you can do the work to address why you’re still there or why you’re internalising his behaviour but what you cannot do is see you as an extension of his behaviour. When a man breaks our hearts, we only have ourselves to pick up the pieces. You need hobbies, interests and sometimes a healthy career path to guide you and help you grow.It is a long journey and it takes time to rebuild, but it is possible if you do the work. Time itself does not heal, it is what you do with the time that does. I wish you the best. OH man, I didn't plan to write all of this

Last edited by DCmum; 09-02-2013 at 10:07 AM..
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Old 09-02-2013, 09:03 PM
 
Location: Middle America
37,409 posts, read 53,309,994 times
Reputation: 53066
Quote:
Originally Posted by New-beginning View Post

My mom and I packed all my stuff. I have one more room to go. I mentioned to my husband I was packing the board games and he went on a rant about leaving him some! Really? I was going to split them anyway. He hasn't once played a game with the kids in at least three years.
Hah, this? Laughable. I went back the morning after the move to get TOOLS, and was accosted, and had a door shut in my face. Tools of mine, from a closet that didn't get cleared out, because I didn't want to go through any room with his things in it when it was just me and my parents, lest he accuse me of STEALING something of his. He actually tried to insinuate that a Bulova watch given to him by his mom for passing his CPA exams had gone missing, and that I was somehow to blame. Such a low blow, and an insane assertion. I don't even believe for a second that the watch was gone. The guy couldn't even keep track of his car keys, and should never have even been give a high-end timepiece for which to have been responsible. He had taken it off to run, and stuck it in his Jeep glove compartment, most likely...and he didn't lock his Jeep, and someone got into it overnight and took his work laptop and other things of value, as well. I can only assume the watch resurfaced, or I'd imagine I would have received legal correspondence from his hateful father, an attorney.

Anyway, petty crap on the part of the one ending things is just bizarre. The M.O. is apparently to strip people of ALL their dignity, or at least try.

Quote:
This whole thing is horrible but his behavior and how he is treating me is so horrible. I have to sit there and take it because if I push back before everything is signed an finalized he will pull the plug. What kind of a person does this to someone after they dedicated their life to him and his family?

Fine, you don't love me, and don't find me attractive, but why does he have to be so cruel?
I think, honestly, part of this technique is to goad you into flipping out on him, so he can play the "See? She's crazy!" card, and then it's an absolution of guilt for being a sh*t. I feel like my ex and his family wanted me to do that, but I didn't, and they didn't get that satisfaction. Then, after the fact, family members of his would contact me to continue to try to provoke some sort of tacky response. Nope, sorry, didn't bite. Dignity and grace is your best weapon.

Quote:
One day, I'll thank him for freeing me from such a horrible person.
Yes, yes you will.

Quote:
It just hurts, as horrible as he is I still don't understand any of this and who he is.
I still don't know the answer to this question. The best I can come up with is that who he is is the person who left me. Who he pretended to be for five years leading up to that was a self-serving, cruel charade.

It's still mystifying, but it no longer hurts. It still pisses me off, but it no longer hurts. And it for sure freed up space to devote to quality people in my life.
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Old 09-02-2013, 09:06 PM
 
Location: Middle America
37,409 posts, read 53,309,994 times
Reputation: 53066
Quote:
Originally Posted by DCmum View Post
When a man breaks our hearts, we only have ourselves to pick up the pieces. You need hobbies, interests and sometimes a healthy career path to guide you and help you grow.It is a long journey and it takes time to rebuild, but it is possible if you do the work. Time itself does not heal, it is what you do with the time that does. I wish you the best.
Absolutely, totally, completely 150% true. You have to make yourself and your own healing your #1 project. I know you will probably think you have to make your kids your number one project, but the truth is, without you actively striving to be your most healthy and your most proactively working toward picking up the pieces, you CAN'T be there for them. You will have to put yourself, if not first, at least in sharing top spot with your kids. You have to take care of yourself if you're going to successfully take care of others.
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