Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Was it truly "out of the blue" as you put it? In hindsight, were there things you saw in your relationship that indicated that he was distancing himself emotionally and physically from you?
Quote:
Originally Posted by cashrulez
Right, I get all that. But did you and your husband communicate at all? Because it doesn't sound like you really knew him that well.
Does it really matter? All of us who've been dumped out of the blue have probably seen little things here and there that indicate a future problem but it's easy to misread things and we don't want to screw up a whole relationship b/c of some little mood the man was in.
People wonder how I missed the fact that my ex was gay but other than little things, there were no signs and are you going to divorce someone b/c he crossed his hands one day and said, "Dear, dear, dear!" Or are you just going to keep an eye out and when nothing else comes up by 6 months later you pretty much forget about it. Or you just know that even straight gays sometimes do things that could be considered gay.
Same with the OP's husband I'm sure. He might have seemed more distant at times but if he told her he was tired, why would she not choose to believe him and what would she do anyway, absent any evidence?
I"ve got tot say that I find your posts kind of hurtful, even though I'm not the OP, b/c it's in the category of, "You should have seen this coming." Well if someone ties me to the RR track and I see the train coming, it's not like I can do anything about it anyway is there?
Oh hey, just found this from one of my favorite poets:
Quote:
“Sorrow prepares you for joy.
It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place.
It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.” ― Rumi
I've been in very similar shoes to you, with my wife suddenly announcing that she was leaving me and the kids for greener pastures. You will go through the Kubler-Ross five stages of grief, some stages quicker than others. You need to force yourself to exercise, eat right and seek the companionship of friends and relatives...this is important. Don't try to do this alone.
Spouses that shatter a marriage like this are often communicating and doing things that are completely foreign to the affected spouse. You will not understand your husband, what he is doing, or what he is doing to you, so don't try to understand it. Just go about starting to build your new life. It will take awhile, but you will come out the other side with a sense of peace, well-being and purpose and be much stronger for the experience.
Also, don't try to reason through, or blame, or take responsibility for anything that is going on in your marriage right now. Nothing will make sense now, or after it's over so dwelling and agonizing on it will not accomplish anything...trust me. It's a lot like death, no explaining it, it just happened and you need to power through the emotions and divorce and after-math. When you do come out the other side you will feel better about who you are.
Great advice. OP, not all that long ago, I was in your shoes...sort of. I was with my ex for five years, so not as long as you, and we were not married, and had no kids (thankfully), so no divorce or custody or child support to work out. But I am a year older than you are. I, too, was blindsided. It was highly traumatic, easily the hardest thing I'd done to that point, apart from dealing with a loved one's death. You describe your spouse in a way that tells me he is likely cut from the same cloth as my ex.
Unlike you, I have no children. One thing I had to deal with my my situation was a TON of anger that my ex had, I felt, wasted five years of my life that I could have been starting a family with someone better for me, and felt rage that he strung me along for his own self-absorbed purposes. Like you, I fulfilled a necessary role for my ex (in your case, taking care of the homefront so he could have a high-powered career, in my case, supporting him while he became a CPA). Like you, when I was no longer needed to fulfill that role, I was discarded. I never mourned the loss of a partner, I never went into denial or bargaining. Most of my "Kubler-Ross" journey was spent in the "anger" stage...almost exclusively, I'd say. I felt hurt that someone I'd treated well would cheat, lie, and mistreat me, and I felt stupid for trusting him when he wasn't trustworthy. But mostly, I felt furious to have been used and duped. I felt enraged for a long time. If I dwell on it, I would still feel enraged, just at the disrespect and disregard for me as a person, as much as anything else. I felt very angry that he'd wasted my time, and I was 35 and had to start over (in every way...he owned the house I'd lived in, I'd moved 500 miles from everyone and everything I'd known for him).
The good news for me was that I am strong, I am resilient, I powered through and did what I needed to do to shore up my strength, push through, and start over. I would not have predicted it, but I met someone, and am engaged. He, too, has never been married, and he, too, wants kids, so we are looking forward to starting our married life and having a family together. He is the person for me in so many ways my ex never could have been. Your life is not over at 35 because someone used you, took you for granted, cheated on you, and lied to you. Your life is better, because that person is no longer in it. I am fortunate that I have no reason to have maintained contact with my ex. For you, the fact that you are co-parents will make that harder. But more than anything, please try to be glad that you get another shot at a happier life with a better-for-you person. You'll be fine. You'll be better than fine. Trust me.
It takes a while to work through what you're feeling. It comes and goes, in waves. I'd never been badly betrayed before, so I didn't know what to expect. I thought it would be linear, the moving through grief stages...but it's not. It's ups and downs, highs and lows, and more all over the place than you'd think. But it's to be expected. It's a traumatizing thing to go through.
But now, you GET TO start over. And that's a beautiful, beautiful thing.
I'm so sorry. Thank you for the insight. I really appreciate it. Today was hard. I was packing up 17 years of memories. I'm flooded my emotion and everywhere I go I am flooded with memories.
I'm sorry you had a similar experience. I'm so happy you found your happiness,that's wonderful! I'm certain the anger will come. Having my children will help me to remain positive. I sat down today and couldn't believe this was actually happening. In the last few days, I've notice how self centered and selfish my husband really is. I'm starting to see how this is probably the best thing that has happened to me, but not my children. It breaks my heart they will not have their parents together and some nights I won't have my babies, that almost kills me
To some who suggest I knew, I really didn't. I was completely supportive and I am blown away. Does that me naive, maybe? I supported him ( worked three jobs) while he achieved several degrees, raised our children, one who I might add has special needs. Took him to 6 therapy sessions weekly, was the PTO president and was a good wife, maybe too good.
Today was hard. I am hoping to see a therapist next week. Not only do I hope to heal, I hope to reflect on what role I played in this. I pray and hope my children will be ok. We are telling them the news this weekend. This is what kills me.
It takes a while to work through what you're feeling. It comes and goes, in waves. I'd never been badly betrayed before, so I didn't know what to expect. I thought it would be linear, the moving through grief stages...but it's not. It's ups and downs, highs and lows, and more all over the place than you'd think. But it's to be expected. It's a traumatizing thing to go through.
But now, you GET TO start over. And that's a beautiful, beautiful thing.
Nothing truer was ever said. I actually spent the first few months feeling like everything was going to be alright and I was going to be the strongest person ever to weather a divorce and part of that I think is that it was an interesting situation (gay husband comes out) and shock is numbing and everyone is there for you pretty much at first but then they begin to drift off as their lives take precedence (as they should.) I actually tried to do a little dating at that point. (Dumb!) I'd say it took a good six weeks before I had my first temper tantrum and another 6 months for the next one but it was always something random that set them off. Then you're kind of at sea for awhile trying to find a new normal and a new social life b/c the old one just won't work anymore. Advice to the OP: try to get out to lunch with girlfriends or sisters at least 1x/month even if you have to get a babysitter. Those "Mother's day out" things that churches do are a great service to moms.
Quote:
Originally Posted by New-beginning
To some who suggest I knew, I really didn't. I was completely supportive and I am blown away. Does that me naive, maybe? I supported him ( worked three jobs) while he achieved several degrees, raised our children, one who I might add has special needs. Took him to 6 therapy sessions weekly, was the PTO president and was a good wife, maybe too good.
Today was hard. I am hoping to see a therapist next week. Not only do I hope to heal, I hope to reflect on what role I played in this. I pray and hope my children will be ok. We are telling them the news this weekend. This is what kills me.
I actually enjoyed the process of packing his stuff up and sending it with him--he had a bunch of guitars and drums and stuff and it was nice to have it all out of there. Then I cleaned house with a vengeance and that felt good too.
To those who suggest that you might have known something--pay them no mind. Honestly, what would you have done about it anyway? When you are married to someone, you are pretty well "locked in" and people go thru moods and phases all the time. I thought mine was having a mid-life crisis or that his job was really stressful, b/c it was. Turns out that wasn't the main source of his stress but how are you supposed to read someone's mind? So I just don't get why people say things like that--makes no sense in your situation. The only time it would make sense is if you had just gotten married and then he took off with someone else or showed his butt in some other way. Then I might call you naive, but not in this case.
I'm so sorry. Thank you for the insight. I really appreciate it. Today was hard. I was packing up 17 years of memories. I'm flooded my emotion and everywhere I go I am flooded with memories.
I'm sorry you had a similar experience. I'm so happy you found your happiness,that's wonderful! I'm certain the anger will come. Having my children will help me to remain positive. I sat down today and couldn't believe this was actually happening. In the last few days, I've notice how self centered and selfish my husband really is. I'm starting to see how this is probably the best thing that has happened to me, but not my children. It breaks my heart they will not have their parents together and some nights I won't have my babies, that almost kills me
To some who suggest I knew, I really didn't. I was completely supportive and I am blown away. Does that me naive, maybe? I supported him ( worked three jobs) while he achieved several degrees, raised our children, one who I might add has special needs. Took him to 6 therapy sessions weekly, was the PTO president and was a good wife, maybe too good.
Today was hard. I am hoping to see a therapist next week. Not only do I hope to heal, I hope to reflect on what role I played in this. I pray and hope my children will be ok. We are telling them the news this weekend. This is what kills me.
My heart hurts for you! I'm so sorry for what you will go through this weekend with your kids.
Don't try to figure so much out at once - you'll get even more overwhelmed.
Right now just attend to the details of life and focus on your plans for rearranging your life.
Later, after you have had a chance to let the emotions subside a bit, you will be better able to gain insight and perspective into the "why" and "how did I not know" questions.
Very good advice, I know you'll make it through, this is hard...I know.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
