Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
IMO, the problem is throwing around the term red flag about someone else based on your individual preferences. Four divorces is likely a red flag, one is barely a caution, and when you don't even know the person or the circumstances, it's best to stick to your preferences without the sweeping assumptions and judgments.
Yep! Well said.
Maybe a personal "dealbreaker" is more accurate than "red flag?"
Like pot smoking, to me, that's a dealbreaker. I don't judge pot smokers (I live in Colorado, I'd go around scorning every other person I met) but I don't want it in my home, it's not my thing, and so I would not continue dating someone if I found out they made a habit of it. I don't think that's judgy or unfair. My life, my home, my right to decide such things, no? But "red flag" does imply a level of judgment. If I said that a pot habit were a "red flag" it would be tantamount to me saying that all pot smokers will be lazy and unemployed, or stupid or smelly or something. That would be a very unkind sort of judgment to be making about an AWFUL lot of people around here, many of whom I am otherwise friends with.
But valid for someone to choose not to date you, or prefer someone of a different description? I think so.
It's completely possible for me to not want to date someone, yet not be scorning them or even judging them as of less value in any way. And no one is obligated to offer anybody else a date just to prove that they do not scorn them, right?
But (and I've argued with at least one poster about this--respectfully we agree to disagree at least partially) I do not personally consider an individual's dating preferences, to be "discrimination"... Though I think that there are more and less reasonable ways to frame them. Like, "I prefer X" instead of "I don't like Y."
If someone says "I prefer blondes" then I don't feel scorned because I'm a brunette. They aren't saying that a brown haired person is rubbish.
Anyone who was around when I was going through the breakup with my ex knows that I was dealing with some really heavy stuff. I was at times very emotionally messy. I had a lot to get over and deal with. I don't think it's fair of me, to assume that I have such high value otherwise, that ANYONE should be willing to help me bear that cross. But I can be grateful to those who SAW enough value in me, that they were. I'm sure that everyone who has known me since the end of my marriage is sick to death of hearing about my ex, and I don't blame them. Thankfully, despite how often I mention him here (because...relationship forum...) my dwelling on him and dealing with him has really faded down a lot.
You're right of course. It's just...when I was a divorced single mom, I DID deal with a fair amount of scorn and judgement. Although, not necessarily in my dating life. So you're right, I should not conflate the two.
Maybe a personal "dealbreaker" is more accurate than "red flag?"
Yes, because dealbreakers are your own, they are a reflection of you. Assigning a red flag to someone else is your judgment of them, which is also a reflection of you but may not be an accurate reflection of them.
IMO, the problem is throwing around the term red flag about someone else based on your individual preferences. Four divorces is likely a red flag, one is barely a caution, and when you don't even know the person or the circumstances, it's best to stick to your preferences without the sweeping assumptions and judgments.
I generally agree with your views, unfortunately we live in a throw away society and that includes a 50 percent divorce rate, so apparently it's just as easy to leave, whether you are married or not.... the numbers don't lie....
That "50% divorce rate" myth is one of those myths that just won't die:
Interesting questions and here are the answers from what I know:
He is a millionaire and a high level executive of a Fortune 500 Company
He has no kids under 18 and two kids over 21
The friend of my wife who is thinking about marriage with this guy (Mr. Divorce) has two adult kids
She (the lady who may marry the man who keeps divorcing women) lost her only husband to cancer five years ago, never divorced.
Both my wife and I when we were talking on the way home from meeting Mr. Divorce were shocked that he had been divorced so many times. He was so nice, charming, handsome and down to earth. Just by meeting him without knowing his history you would think he was just wonderful.
I have a family member who has been divorced and remarried to the same woman three times. They are now seeing each other. I'd say the fourth divorce will be under his belt by the end of the year.
A close friend of my wife is in her late 40s and has fallen in love with a recently divorced man. We met them for lunch and they seem very much in love by how they communicate with each other. After 9 months there is talk about marriage. I would say go for it because they seem compatible and seem like a couple but then I found out he had been married and divorced four times. He must be able to charm the women but can't stay with them.
What do you think of men or women who have been married and divorced multiple times? How many divorces would raise a red flag? 2, 3, 4, 5, or more?
I am sure each of his ex wives thought their relationship would be different! But the ending was the same. But maybe my wife's friend, #5 will be the exception.
Hey. One divorce? Sure. Happens all the time. Two divorces? Perhaps a freak set of circumstances occurred to make it so. Three divorces? We're dealing with some serious issues here. Four divorces? This isn't marriage. This is just serial monogamy.
This is a guy who either a) completely lacks wisdom, b) completely lacks the understanding of how a marriage works or c) lacks the staying power to remain loyal to a person.
Your friend is likely to be just the next in a long series of cannon fodder that is to be this man's romantic life. She would be an idiot to move ahead with this.
Hey. One divorce? Sure. Happens all the time. Two divorces? Perhaps a freak set of circumstances occurred to make it so. Three divorces? We're dealing with some serious issues here. Four divorces? This isn't marriage. This is just serial monogamy.
This is a guy who either a) completely lacks wisdom, b) completely lacks the understanding of how a marriage works or c) lacks the staying power to remain loyal to a person.
Your friend is likely to be just the next in a long series of cannon fodder that is to be this man's romantic life. She would be an idiot to move ahead with this.
I agree. Any other conclusion is simply naive IMO.
Not to say there is a 100% chance that it won't work, but at least an 80% chance it won't work IMO. Since they are already considering marriage (unfortunately), pre marriage counseling is an absolute necessity for them and especially him IMO. Not marrying until that is done is critical. Even then, the odds will still likely be very low for success. I also advise her to not marry him. That is the best option.
OP, do either your wife's friend or this guy have children? If they are adults living on their own, it probably is not a complicating factor. If they are younger, it could be.
Last edited by chessgeek; 04-17-2018 at 04:17 PM..
Yes even one bad marriage can raise a flag! However if a man had 4 different careers or 4 different positions, would this raise a flag?
Consider this: 1-got married young, wife had sex with another man (never told her husband he would bang her). You see they were going through artificial insemination with an agency etc. with a list of donors! Long story short the husband found out her ex was seeing the bio dad (yes DNA showed this man was the bio dad-who was married to another woman at the time) and she later married him anyway
2-South American (he brought her back to the US) Green card marriage-need I say more!
3-Asian Green card again (he brought her back to the US) but he loved her kids-legally adopted them but she was young. He just wanted a family but he had some medical issues. It is hard to adopt in the US and step dads are not respected here etc.
4-Married a Asian women in the US-long story short she needed a Green card too-many problems in the marriage mainly because she found out his kids were adopted (as if they are less than a bio kid-)
Moral of the story never judge! I told this man to write a book!
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
4 marriages
