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I have been with my fella for nearly a decade. We get along great and love each other very much, however we have never had much of a sex life.
I am a very sexual person but he almost tries to make me feel ashamed about it rather than encourage me. He will make remarks if I'm wearing something that he thinks is too revealing and makes fun of my tummy, which is a little flabby.
I enjoy being with him but I miss sex and have no desire for it with him. He doesn't make me feel wanted physically in any way. I am not attracted to him. I am not sure I ever have been. I enjoy companionship and I have a tendancy to be dependant on others for my happiness. I know how unfair that is on all parties.
That's not to say I haven't tried - the last time I tried to kiss him passionately he pulled away and laughed like I was being silly.
He is my best friend and I'm scared to lose him, but I can't go on like this. Every year I promise myself THIS will be THE YEAR I end it, but it never happens. My 20’s are already gone and I am 31 now. I don’t want to wake up at 50 one day and realise I’ve wasted my life on a passionless relationship.
Please help.
Wow. I don't know what advice to give you. Just curious, does he call you his girlfriend or wife? Are you sure he doesn't think of you as just a friend and you are not mistaken about being a couple? Just asking because he thought you were silly for trying to kiss him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by augiedogie
My guess is that you stay because of your own insecurity and his money.
Well, now comes the hard part… something I have realised recently but still find hard to admit to myself.
I don’t think I ever was attracted to him.
When we met I was going through a very rough time with an ex boyfriend who couldn’t come to terms with our breakup. The ex boyfriend turned everyone against me. Police were involved. I was drunk and depressed every night. It was awful.
He was pretty much the only person on my “side” and we became very close. Before I knew it our relationship had become physical and next thing I knew I had moved in with him. It all happened just like that - SO quickly, it’s a total blur. I was swept up in the excitement of dating a sweet, wise older man – one that EVERYONE loved on MY arm - after years of dealing with BOYS.
Even in the beginning although quite enjoyable once we got going, the sex also felt forced - almost like rather than doing it with him because I wanted to, I was doing it because I felt indebted to him for all he’d done for me during the difficult times. I know, I know, this sounds sick and it’s not fair on either of us.
]8 years later, here I still am. I love his companionship when things are good… but that’s pretty much it. I have changed completely and so has he – but not in a good way. If we didn’t live together I probably would have ended it a long time ago. The thought of having to pack all my stuff up in front of him (and I have a LOT of it) and find a new place to live, leaving him renting on his own at 50 years old, makes me feel sick.
I know it’s all very confusing – first I say I’m not attracted to him anymore, then I say I never was…. I don’t know. It’s been so long since we’ve had a healthy sex life that I can’t even work out what I feel anymore.
You don't leave because you feel obligated and because you don't want to face the repercussions. It sounds like nothing has changed. It's a tough position to be in. It seems pretty clear why your relationship is sexless: you're not attracted to him and suspect you never were. Why would he foist his desires on an unwilling partner? No wonder he's fat and depressed.
srjth: Why does he stay? Its simple, he wants a companion, maybe someone to cook or do other chores for him. Best as I can tell, I have a bil and fil that are like this. Not much interested in sex at all. Hunting and fishing, sports, work business etc yes, sex? NO.
Sister, it's time to go. Don't waste any more of your time and your life. A man who truly cares about you and values you as a person is not going to make fun of your body, diminish your needs, or push you away. If you can do it in a way that you can remain friends, great, but the time to go is NOW.
Also, is there a possibility that he is gay and you are his "cover?"
There is over 17 years age difference between us. Sometimes I feel like he says those things because he is insecure and because he wants
to make me have no confidence...
You hit the nail on the head. He says those things in order to control and manipulate you. He's a jerk. Someone who treats you that way can't possibly fall under the heading of "best friend". That's not how friends treat each other. Time to move on.
Oh good grief. In December the OP portrays him as a rescuer and "pretty much the only person on my side," and now he is a cruel jerk. He's her best friend and she's afraid to lose him, but he belittles her and treats her badly. She doesn't desire him and never did, but he's the one who pushes away her passionate advances.
I'd make you feel like a million dollars everyday.
You're playing with the wrong man.........
Us other guys would find the time to take care of BOTH of our needs.
Dude quit looking like a desparate fool to a stranger on the internet you know virtually nothing about. It's sickening.
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