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Old 09-07-2013, 10:45 AM
 
207 posts, read 354,129 times
Reputation: 425

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9 Things a True Friend Would Never Do

"
2. Walk away when times get tough.

True friendship and good character is all about how a person nurtures another person when they are vulnerable and can give very little in return. Thus, it’s not who’s standing beside you during good times, but the ones who stick by you through tough times that are your true friends.
So take note of who remains in your life when times get tough, especially the people who sacrifice the resources they have in their life to help you improve yours when you need it most. Seriously, when you come out the other side of a difficult period in your life, look around you. The people still standing beside you are your true friends."

 
Old 09-07-2013, 10:49 AM
 
40 posts, read 50,354 times
Reputation: 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
You are missing the point. You were NOT broken up with her at the time of her accident. You were living together, and yes that means that you do have responsibility towards her.
Yes, I broke up with her right before her accident. I've already stated that. So we were broken up while she was in the hospital. And what was I supposed to do, stay there so that when she got out of the hospital I was in her home? Wouldn't that just make her think I still wanted to be with her when in fact I had moved on? I think that would do more damage than good.
 
Old 09-07-2013, 11:53 AM
 
6,732 posts, read 9,976,371 times
Reputation: 6848
Quote:
Originally Posted by marcus311 View Post
just before her accident I told her it was over. We just never had an opportunity to discuss it...for the first 2 weeks my ex was in the hospital, I was there everyday. Even though I had broken up with her, I came to the hospital everyday to see her...my ex tells everyone that we weren't broken up while she was in the hospital and therefore I was cheating...I had been growing apart from my ex for a year... She was the one holding the relationship together. She would constantly guilt me into staying.

When my ex got out of the hospital, she thought I was going to take care of her. We were living together before her accident. While she was in the hospital I was slowly packing my things but hadn't moved out yet. So everyone thought that when she got released I would be there to help her adjust to her injuries. She had lost some movement in her right side and part of her lower right leg had to be amputated. And I was supposed to live with her and take care of her even after we were broken up? That's ridiculous...
Why do I have to suffer financially and put my life on hold to take care of a woman who I am no longer attached to? I'm not related to her, I don't owe her anything. Why do I have to take care of her after we broke up? That makes no sense to me...Nor do I have any desire to take care of someone I neither love nor have any obligation to. People are supposed to move on after a break up. Why is it different for me just because my ex was injured? .
So.

You told her you wanted to break up, before the accident, but you did not move out or even start packing your things. You had told her you were breaking up with her a million times before, even before you got engaged, but you never actually left and, in fact, you went ahead and asked her to marry you.

For the first two weeks she was in the hospital, you visited her every day but you never mentioned the supposed breakup, and you continued to live in the flat you shared with her. I imagine she and your friends and family probably conveyed their assumption that you would be helping her after she got out, and you didn't contradict anyone.

Then, after two mare weeks (was this during the time she was in the coma?) you met this new girl. Did you tell the new girl your fiance was in a coma, and that you still lived with her? Or did you pretend to be single and unencumbered? Does she know the truth now?

Now you have questions about your obligation to take care of your now-ex fiance. You have an obligation to treat her with respect and consideration for the rest of your life. Breaking up with a fiance is like moving out of your parents house when you grow up. They are still your parents, and she is still the woman you once planned to grow old with and raise children with. She doesn't disappear off your personal Earth when you break up. She does not become a stranger.
 
Old 09-07-2013, 12:04 PM
 
Location: The State Line
2,625 posts, read 4,032,035 times
Reputation: 3064
Quote:
Originally Posted by the minx View Post
Friends who cut you off without getting your side first were not really friends to begin with.
Quote:
Originally Posted by marcus311 View Post
I have had a chance to talk to most of them, but really, they refuse to see anything from my point of view. My ex has played the victim card and convinced my friends that I'm some cold-hearted jerk. Break ups are never easy. And I think my ex's bitterness and anger is manifesting itself in her attempt to cut everyone off from me.
And I'll reiterate what the minx already said. Your real friends will stick by you unless you're doing something illegal or unethical. And sometimes they'll stand by you anyway, even if they inform you they don't approve of some things you do. Your friends should know you well enough if what is said is true to your personality. If they're taking her side that easily, they were really are her friends, or there's something you're not telling us.

I saw your other post, and I think had you already broken up for a while before seeing someone else, you might have gotten more empathy from these people: End a relationship before starting a new one.

Last edited by LexWest; 09-07-2013 at 12:16 PM..
 
Old 09-07-2013, 12:22 PM
 
Location: NYC
2,427 posts, read 3,976,661 times
Reputation: 2299
mutual friends usually don't have much interest in whose "fault" things were unless something really heinous happened, and friends who were originally friends with only one partner just side with that person

and only the gossip hounds will really even care a lot about the details (again unless it was heinous)

are you sure you're not doing something to turn these people off? i can't imagine why everyone would care so much. these things always seem disproportionately important to the couple and less so to everyone else
 
Old 09-07-2013, 12:27 PM
 
40 posts, read 50,354 times
Reputation: 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by NilaJones View Post
So.
You had told her you were breaking up with her a million times before...
What? I never did that. Why would you say that? Are you saying things about me that aren't true to serve your purposes of painting me as the bad guy? I think so.

Quote:
For the first two weeks she was in the hospital, you visited her every day but you never mentioned the supposed breakup, and you continued to live in the flat you shared with her. I imagine she and your friends and family probably conveyed their assumption that you would be helping her after she got out, and you didn't contradict anyone.
I couldn't communicate with her for the first two weeks(coma, surgeries.) I mentioned that in one of my earlier posts. But thanks for more assumptions as to my motive. The breakup was never "supposed" or alleged. It was clear. When you tell someone it's over and that you don't want to get married to them, that's about as clear as you can get. But thanks for taking her side even though you don't know her or me. Finally, I didn't tell her family of our breakup because it was already such a difficult time for them I didn't want to pile on the bad news.

Quote:
Then, after two mare weeks (was this during the time she was in the coma?) you met this new girl. Did you tell the new girl your fiance was in a coma, and that you still lived with her? Or did you pretend to be single and unencumbered? Does she know the truth now?
I met my current girlfriend nearly a month after I broke up with ex. I made that clear as well. My girlfriend was very aware of my ex's condition when we met.

Quote:
Now you have questions about your obligation to take care of your now-ex fiance. You have an obligation to treat her with respect and consideration for the rest of your life. Breaking up with a fiance is like moving out of your parents house when you grow up. They are still your parents, and she is still the woman you once planned to grow old with and raise children with. She doesn't disappear off your personal Earth when you break up. She does not become a stranger.
I'm not questioning my obligation to take care of my ex at all. Not one bit. We have been broken up for two months. There is no obligation. And I don't agree with your analogy about moving out of the parents house. I never really wanted to grow old with my ex. We broke up, as couple do.

As I commented earlier(if you had bothered to read any of my earlier posts) you would see that I was pressured into proposing to her. I did it because, even though I knew it wasn't working, I wanted to see if an engagement could improve things or possibly make me feel more for her. It was naive. But I did it for her. She couldn't accept that it wasn't working out and she couldn't handle the thought of me leaving. So I did care for her, to the point where I was willing to propose to try to see if it would help.

But I find it disconcerting that I am being held to an entirely different standard simply because my ex was in the hospital. If it were under any other circumstances people would be telling me to move on. They would be telling me "hey, it didn't work out, that happens, best to move on, make a clean break."
 
Old 09-07-2013, 12:36 PM
 
40 posts, read 129,912 times
Reputation: 34
Quote:
Originally Posted by kitkatbar View Post
Sorry, but I have to side with your friends. Even the way you describe it, you are hardly the stuff songs are written about. The fact that you guys were engaged, and you had zero mourning period and couldn't wait to start seeing a new chick while she was still hospitalized isn't especially impressive. If you knew there were mutual friends involved, and/or your families were close, it would've been smarter to cool your jets for a bit first.

In short, your friends are absolutely welcome to form their own opinions. Sounds like you're just pitching a little fit because they're agreeing with her and not with you.
Sometimes you check out of a LTR months before you end it. It may seem your moving on quickly, but in reality, you moved on months ago.
 
Old 09-07-2013, 12:37 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,480 posts, read 25,056,304 times
Reputation: 51113
I'm sorry but this may be a situation that comes back to bite you years if not even decades later.

Unless, you live in a very large town and no one at your current job had ever met your fiancé, I'm surprised that your coworkers and bosses are still talking to you.

I'm sure that you would disagree but I'm pretty sure that the behavior that you exhibited (moving out while your lover/room mate/former fiancé was in a coma/hospital) would easily effect your job evaluations,if you lived in a small town.

Your bosses would assume that they had misjudged you and if you could treat your former fiancé that way you are not to be trusted. Everyone would remember what you did for years and it probably would ruin your "good" name.
 
Old 09-07-2013, 12:39 PM
 
40 posts, read 50,354 times
Reputation: 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by OdysseusNY View Post
mutual friends usually don't have much interest in whose "fault" things were unless something really heinous happened, and friends who were originally friends with only one partner just side with that person

and only the gossip hounds will really even care a lot about the details (again unless it was heinous)

are you sure you're not doing something to turn these people off? i can't imagine why everyone would care so much. these things always seem disproportionately important to the couple and less so to everyone else
Well, the problem is, my ex had lied and painted my actions as heinous. It has been incredibly hard for me to not only transition out of a long term relationship but also lose so many friendships in the process of this breakup. As I said earlier, even my younger sister refuses to talk to me. I think my friends have gotten wrapped up in the emotions of the situation. They see me as abandoning her at the worst possible time. But, when a romantic relationship has run its course, it's run its course. It was over, it had been over for quite some time.

I'm glad my friends and sister have remained loyal to my ex. She needs them right now. But that doesn't mean they have to turn their backs on me at the same time. Some of these friends I've known since high school. I don't know. If I can't convey the situation to people on a message board, I'll never be able to get through to my friends.
 
Old 09-07-2013, 12:46 PM
 
2,098 posts, read 2,491,491 times
Reputation: 9744
Quote:
Originally Posted by marcus311 View Post
I think what people are not understanding is that I had been growing apart from my ex for a year. I had very little feelings left for her. She was the one holding the relationship together. She would constantly guilt me into staying. I can't live my life based on someone else's delusions.
No one is failing to understand. You are telling yourself no one understands (people on this forum as well as your sister, as well as your friends) because you don't like the fact that they DO understand and think you're being a jerk for behaving this way. If you let her "guilt you" into staying, you still chose to stay. That's on you. The right thing to do if your lives were still immeshed (you share friends and families are close) was to be supportive as a friend, or expect those who care about her were not going to think you were some sort of awesome person.

Quote:
Originally Posted by marcus311 View Post
You know, when you meet someone and you click, you don't really choose that. It just happens. When I met my current girlfriend we just immediately hit it off, we are very compatible. It's not like I raced out there and grabbed the first woman I could find. Don't you understand that?
That's very immature thinking. People meet people they are compatible with all the time and need to wait for various reasons. Maybe they're in the midst of a separation/divorce and need to get a little space first. Maybe they recently broke up and want to get their head in a better place. Maybe they're going overseas for 4 months. It's possible to get someone's number, state what's going on, and ask that if you're both still free in a few months, can you call them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by marcus311 View Post
Why do I have to suffer financially and put my life on hold to take care of a woman who I am no longer attached to? I'm not related to her, I don't owe her anything. Why do I have to take care of her after we broke up? That makes no sense to me.
By that same argument (which has some fair points), your friends have no obligation to still be friends with you. You no longer like this woman. So now you're history. Your friends have seen your true character and no longer like you. Now they're history. The fact that your own sister thinks you're acting horribly should say something, btw.

Quote:
Originally Posted by marcus311 View Post
Besides, I wouldn't even know what to do. I work at a desk for a living, I don't know the first thing about taking care of someone with those type of severe injuries. Nor do I have any desire to take care of someone I neither love nor have any obligation to. People are supposed to move on after a break up. Why is it different for me just because my ex was injured?
Because you were still living together. And because if you wanted to both still have the same circle of friends you had before the break-up, a more gracious standard of behavior was required. Plenty of people get divorced and still manage to see friends separately. Or they can sometimes even see ex-in-laws separately at events for their kids--but that's made much harder if really nasty behavior is involved. And that's what you chose to do here. If you guys had no mutual friends, and your families weren't close, then you could've done a not nice thing and had less fallout. Here, there were plenty of people to witness what you did. Not cool.

Quote:
Originally Posted by marcus311 View Post
Second, you want me to admit I was a jerk? For doing what? Breaking up with someone and then moving on with my life? Yes, it was under very difficult circumstances, the timing was bad. But I need to move on. Is it really healthy to continue going back to a person you broke up with?
There was nothing "healthy" about this situation. And your "suffering" for having to help out someone you'd broken up with would've been a heck of a lot less than this poor girl who had to have an amputation and was in a coma for 2 weeks. Adults take responsibility for their mistakes. You stayed a year after you didn't have feelings. You were living with her at the time of the accident. Those were your choices. Because of them, you had some obligation, IMHO, to help her out as a friend and to continue being there even as you made it clear the relationship was still over. Instead you got a new GF quick as can be and moved out like a coward when she was in a coma.

Quote:
Originally Posted by marcus311 View Post
At this point there are way too many bad feelings between my ex and I. Getting back together in any capacity would not work. I happen to side with my current girlfriend on this one. People have to move on as difficult as that can be. But the circumstances under which everything took place have really made me out to look bad.
You have made yourself look bad. Circumstances have nothing to do with it. Quit blaming everyone else for your bad decisions.

Quote:
Originally Posted by marcus311 View Post
But, like my ex, I am a victim of circumstances as well. Nobody wants to see that, though. I think a lot of my friends just need some cooling off. It's been quite the drama with everything that's been going on with my ex. My sister still will not talk to me, neither will my long time friends who knew me before my ex. My parents understand what happened and don't blame me at all. They understand that it was just bad timing for everyone.
You are a victim of nothing. Everyone can see that and that's why they're disgusted with your behavior.

Here's a hint: if one person is disgusted by your behavior, that could just be a fluke. If more than one person is disgusted by your behavior, I would take that as a serious sign to reexamine what happened and look at it from their perspective. If your own sister and long time friends you knew before your ex, as well as all your friends think you did something wrong, I would take that as a field of giant red flags waving violently.
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