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you know i've come to the conclusion that marriage is for ppl who want a family, to have children. and while i am clearly aware of your suggestion, i am seeing more and more that kids can still have a heathly upbringing as long as you have two loving parents involved in their care and raising. what's more, the stigma is no longer there.
and if you want proof of this, think about all the child rearing that goes on with divorced couples. sure not all of them are ideal, but many many many ex-spouses make it work because they want the best for their kids. plus, no one should marry (or be married to) someone they don't want to be married too. that's not heathly for the child either.
Marriage doesn't preclude an open relationship, but that's something you'd have to negotiate with your g/f perhaps-to-be wife. Monogamy isn't that bad, anyway, as long as you and g/f have a good and frequent sex life together. If there are issues with it now, though, it won't get better with marriage.
At some point, though, you have to decide your priorities and how you'll achieve them. You have a daughter and her mother to factor in to this, and their wants and needs are clearly important to you. Sometimes, sacrifices are necessary to get the greater benefit. Good luck.
you know i've come to the conclusion that marriage is for ppl who want a family, to have children. and while i am clearly aware of your suggestion, i am seeing more and more that kids can still have a heathly upbringing as long as you have two loving parents involved in their care and raising. what's more, the stigma is no longer there.
and if you want proof of this, think about all the child rearing that goes on with divorced couples. sure not all of them are ideal, but many many many ex-spouses make it work because they want the best for their kids. plus, no one should marry (or be married to) someone they don't want to be married too. that's not heathly for the child either.
Agreed... but you don't think his daughter is going to find out WHY her Dad didn't want to get married? Or that as she gets older she's not going to notice her Dad sleeping around? I mean, this kind of stuff can have an effect on children as they get older. I can't even imagine finding out (and they always do...kids are surprisingly intuitive) that my Dad didn't want to get married or be with my Mom because the allure of sleeping with random women meant more to him than being a family.
Marriage doesn't preclude an open relationship, but that's something you'd have to negotiate with your g/f perhaps-to-be wife. Monogamy isn't that bad, anyway, as long as you and g/f have a good and frequent sex life together. If there are issues with it now, though, it won't get better with marriage.
At some point, though, you have to decide your priorities and how you'll achieve them. You have a daughter and her mother to factor in to this, and their wants and needs are clearly important to you. Sometimes, sacrifices are necessary to get the greater benefit. Good luck.
from the sound of it and his worry i would say he already understands his GF's position on being an open couple.
but, yes OP if there is on thing you take away its that marriage will not fix your problems. if anything they will exacerbate them. you need to start sorting out some proirties together as a family, because like it or not you have one now.
Agreed... but you don't think his daughter is going to find out WHY her Dad didn't want to get married? Or that as she gets older she's not going to notice her Dad sleeping around? I mean, this kind of stuff can have an effect on children as they get older. I can't even imagine finding out (and they always do...kids are surprisingly intuitive) that my Dad didn't want to get married or be with my Mom because the allure of sleeping with random women meant more to him than being a family.
why would that be any more different than knowing WHY mommy and daddy don't want to be married to each other???? or post-divorce dad having a gf/new wife or someone other than dad in sleeping with mom when she is making these loud noises???
and much of the effect on children you talk about often involves young kids being exposed to a divorce that tends to affect their relationships later as adults.
like I said, kids have proven themselves to be very resilient in these situations but it's still a partnership between mom and dad in being actively involved in the child's life.
Agreed... but you don't think his daughter is going to find out WHY her Dad didn't want to get married? Or that as she gets older she's not going to notice her Dad sleeping around? I mean, this kind of stuff can have an effect on children as they get older. I can't even imagine finding out (and they always do...kids are surprisingly intuitive) that my Dad didn't want to get married or be with my Mom because the allure of sleeping with random women meant more to him than being a family.
JJ, you are starting to sound like an old fuddy duddy
This is the new paradigm that the generations from the 1970s to now have brought into Fruition. Open sexuality, open marriages, alternative families, People can pick and choose what works for them. A conventional family doesn't work for the OP so why should others condem him for it. The man and women with a family model is becoming less and less popular. In a few years it will be a very small percent of the population.
I don't live day by day anymore. Trust me, I am certainly taking the future into account. I know very well what happens to women that didn't have a daddy in their lives or at least a daddy that didn't put her first. I am very aware of that and would never put another woman before her. Never ever, no matter who the woman is. I always give her plenty of love and attention, as well as her mother.
I'm just use to being around women and all that comes with it. You can call it an addiction or a bad habit, obviously something I need to break or figure out how to live with. My daughter has certainly been the best thing to ever happen to me, so I know I need to figure this out.
Marriage doesn't preclude an open relationship, but that's something you'd have to negotiate with your g/f perhaps-to-be wife. Monogamy isn't that bad, anyway, as long as you and g/f have a good and frequent sex life together. If there are issues with it now, though, it won't get better with marriage.
At some point, though, you have to decide your priorities and how you'll achieve them. You have a daughter and her mother to factor in to this, and their wants and needs are clearly important to you. Sometimes, sacrifices are necessary to get the greater benefit. Good luck.
This is an excellent point!
There comes a point in life where you have to consider more than your needs and wants, especially when you have created a family. You "should" devote your energies to being the best dad and partner you can be, rather than thinking you're missing something because the newness of the relationship has long worn off, and you may never feel that rush of first lust/love again. You may not have that newness again, but if you make the effort, you can have a fulfilling and rewarding life with what you already have. There isn't always something better out there. Do you want to throw what you have away on the fantasy of something newer or more exciting?
I don't live day by day anymore. Trust me, I am certainly taking the future into account. I know very well what happens to women that didn't have a daddy in their lives or at least a daddy that didn't put her first. I am very aware of that and would never put another woman before her. Never ever, no matter who the woman is. I always give her plenty of love and attention, as well as her mother.
I'm just use to being around women and all that comes with it. You can call it an addiction or a bad habit, obviously something I need to break or figure out how to live with. My daughter has certainly been the best thing to ever happen to me, so I know I need to figure this out.
you want to know what my experience has been when young girls are raised without a dad? ...they end up dating older guys like me. too many reoccurring experiences have confirmed that. they look for someone to take care of them and support them in their educational and career endeavors. it's a deep desire to have a father figure in their lives, a loving one at that... just thought i'd share
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