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I am quickly losing patience with my boyfriend of 13 months. In June we had our first conversation about "love" and then again on our anniversary (bad choice) in August. At the time he opened up enough to quell my fears for a little while, but here I am again all worried about the status of the relationship. And I think this will probably be a monthly thing for me as it was in my last relationship, where I will feel the need to "check-in" to see if this is the month where he'll say he loves me. To be clear, I love him, and I think he knows that seeing as how I'm the one always bringing it up, but I have yet to say it to him because I can tell he'd get freaked out.
A little background info about us. I'm a 29 year old woman, he's a 30 year old man. He's my 3rd long term relationship and I'm his 3rd as well. However, his relationships were all in college or just after college. Meaning, I was his first girlfriend in six or so years. Also, his parents divorced when he was in middle school and his mom basically abandoned the kids, and I think that has a lot to do with it.
When I asked how he felt about me before he said he didn't love me yet but that he does care for me much more and has stronger feelings for me than he did for his other two girlfriends. But that might be a moot point since it was so long ago. I know he told the one he was in a relationship with for 4 years that he loved her. But he told me, that looking back on it now, he didn't really think he loved her. And this is kind of splitting hairs, but I got him to admit that if our relationship had taken place back in his early to mid 20's he for sure would have already told me he loved me by now. The most he's given me so far is telling me that I am his favorite person in the whole world and the most important person in his life.
He is definitely not in this relationship for the sex so that's not it. I have met his entire family two-three times, even though they live 1500 miles away and have been on two family vacations with him and them. He has also met my family on numerous occasions. I feel really connected to him in every other way and he's been a great boyfriend other than this and basically has all the qualities I'm looking for.
But this is tearing me apart because I feel like we need to reach this milestone before we can really start planning or talking about a future together that would include moving in together, getting engaged/married, having kids etc. I feel like the lack of I love you is holding our relationship back. Do I wait around and be patient? Do I set a timeline and just not talk about it with him until then? Do I bring it up ASAP and walk if he can't tell me he loves me?
I am quickly losing patience with my boyfriend of 13 months. In June we had our first conversation about "love" and then again on our anniversary (bad choice) in August. At the time he opened up enough to quell my fears for a little while, but here I am again all worried about the status of the relationship. And I think this will probably be a monthly thing for me as it was in my last relationship, where I will feel the need to "check-in" to see if this is the month where he'll say he loves me. To be clear, I love him, and I think he knows that seeing as how I'm the one always bringing it up, but I have yet to say it to him because I can tell he'd get freaked out.
A little background info about us. I'm a 29 year old woman, he's a 30 year old man. He's my 3rd long term relationship and I'm his 3rd as well. However, his relationships were all in college or just after college. Meaning, I was his first girlfriend in six or so years. Also, his parents divorced when he was in middle school and his mom basically abandoned the kids, and I think that has a lot to do with it.
When I asked how he felt about me before he said he didn't love me yet but that he does care for me much more and has stronger feelings for me than he did for his other two girlfriends. But that might be a moot point since it was so long ago. I know he told the one he was in a relationship with for 4 years that he loved her. But he told me, that looking back on it now, he didn't really think he loved her. And this is kind of splitting hairs, but I got him to admit that if our relationship had taken place back in his early to mid 20's he for sure would have already told me he loved me by now. The most he's given me so far is telling me that I am his favorite person in the whole world and the most important person in his life.
He is definitely not in this relationship for the sex so that's not it. I have met his entire family two-three times, even though they live 1500 miles away and have been on two family vacations with him and them. He has also met my family on numerous occasions. I feel really connected to him in every other way and he's been a great boyfriend other than this and basically has all the qualities I'm looking for.
But this is tearing me apart because I feel like we need to reach this milestone before we can really start planning or talking about a future together that would include moving in together, getting engaged/married, having kids etc. I feel like the lack of I love you is holding our relationship back. Do I wait around and be patient? Do I set a timeline and just not talk about it with him until then? Do I bring it up ASAP and walk if he can't tell me he loves me?
He's ready when he's ready. He's being honest with you. He has all the qualities you're looking for. And that's not good enough. Too bad.
When I asked how he felt about me before he said he didn't love me yet but that he does care for me much more and has stronger feelings for me than he did for his other two girlfriends.
He's 30 years old. If he's not in love with you by now, he never will be. Your time to leave came and went seven months ago, because it generally doesn't take more than six months for most men to fall in love. In my experience, three or four months is usually about when they figure it out.
In both of my relationships, they knew before even 3 months went by and so did I. Everyone is different but a 30 year old man should have enough experience to know a lot sooner than a year whether or not he loves his g/f. I think you know what to do.
Granted father-son love is a different thing, nevertheless my father never told me he loved me or anything like that for the 19 years we knew each other, it doesn't mean he didn't.
Have sex with himand see if it will make him say it.......
How thoughtful. Such wisdom. *sarcasm*
On a more serious note:
A little over a year seems a bit long. Maybe he's being honest with you. At least he's not stringing you along in believing that he does love you when those words could be lies.
Perhaps, you can take some time off for yourself and detach a little so you can assess what you want in a relationship- which includes love, and start to focus on what your needs/wants are in life. How does he fit in the picture?
Up to a certain point in relationships, you grow together or grow apart.
And, sometimes, when you give more than you receive in return, it's smart to ask if what you feel is mutual.
"I think this will probably be a monthly thing for me as it was in my last relationship, where I will feel the need to "check-in" to see if this is the month where he'll say he loves me."
First of all, I don't think checking in is going to do any good, as it seems like this might drive him in the opposite direction. It would be the equivalent of a kid yelling from the back seat on a road trip "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" He will tell you when he is ready to tell you, and if he's not ready after this amount of time, it's possible that he might "love" you in a completely different way than what you are expecting or hoping for.
To be clear, I love him, and I think he knows that seeing as how I'm the one always bringing it up, but I have yet to say it to him because I can tell he'd get freaked out."
It sounds like you are just as "freaked out" about saying it as he is, mostly because you are afraid of him not saying it back. My suggestion would be to say it first, without any expectation or attachment. Let him know exactly how you feel, (instead of how insecure you might feel about his feelings toward you, or where the relationship is going.) If you can't say it in person, maybe write it in a letter, that way he doesn't feel the pressure of having to say it immediately back...or use words that lead up to it like... I care about you so much....I love being with you, etc. If he does freak out, (even if you're not pressuring him to say it back) well then, I suppose you have your answer.
OP, I feel like I should tell you to talk to him, don't give up etc.
But...
If you were my sister I'd tell you that was all BS and my advice would be to cut and run. He doesn't love you. He's passing time and will eventually leave you.
At least he's not stringing you along about it, telling you he loves you and giving you hope.
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