Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 10-02-2013, 06:56 AM
 
Location: Westchester County
1,223 posts, read 1,684,910 times
Reputation: 1235

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by weezerfan84 View Post
I've never been married, but your situation reminds me of an ex-girlfriend that I had a couple of years ago. She was quick to always play the victim if things did not go her way. You caught your wife red handed, and as much as I hate to say it, you never had a fighting chance. She was already gone. No matter what you did, she held all the power, because she had already checked out of the marriage. The fact that she was telling all her friends, tells me that she came up with that realization to leave you long ago. She just didn't have the courage to leave you under her own power. What she did is very similar to the people who commit suicide by cop. They know they want to die, but don't have the ability to turn the gun on themselves. What they do is fire on police officers, so the police are the ones that kill them.

Your wife wanted you to find out, so she could play the victim and call you crazy, and then say the marriage is over. She can move on with the feeling of less guilt on her heart, because you accused her of something, and you were already having problems and the accusations were the straw that broke the camels back.

My advice is get into therapy and soon as possible, or get with a really close friend that you trust, and start working through and processing your feelings. You need to be strong for the day when she realizes she made a terrible mistake and comes crawling back to you. Something was wrong in your marriage and she was unwilling to fix it. It was easier for her to go out find what she was missing through another man. You can only control your actions, and how she controls her actions are on her.

Thank you I have been in therapy for a few years now. For the last year I have been seeing an anger management specialist therapist. This therapist had been working on my anger/passive aggressive behavior and what to do about my anger in general.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 10-02-2013, 07:17 AM
 
Location: Northern Wisconsin
10,379 posts, read 10,879,090 times
Reputation: 18713
She sounds like she has issues, control freak, demanding, self centered selfish. I wouldn't know what to do with such a person except don't say much and give her a hug. Maybe say something like "I'm there for you".
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-02-2013, 04:01 PM
 
Location: The Great West
2,084 posts, read 2,615,532 times
Reputation: 4112
I just read through this whole thread and all I can say to you, the OP, is that I am sorry this has turned out so badly. I do not think you handled the whole "supporting" thing well but that is clearly no excuse for your wife to cheat. Honestly I doubt there is anything you did to "make" her cheat. If someone is unhappy, they should leave.

What I find most despicable is how she told all her friends about her affair. I would never be friends with a woman who cheated on her boyfriend/husband and relied on me for advice and an "emergency meeting." WHAT?? I have a very black and white view on cheating - they cheat, you leave. Now I am not married, so I realize that after 25 years of marriage, this must be more difficult than I can comprehend. I wish you the best.

Your lack of appetite is probably a grieving reaction. I also lost weight when stuff like that happened to me. I hope you have been able to eat today.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-02-2013, 04:42 PM
 
3,393 posts, read 4,003,954 times
Reputation: 9310
If you want to be merciful, end it quickly and go your separate ways.

If you want her to suffer, then beg her to go to marriage counseling with her. Be the sweetest, most understanding husband ever. Make it difficult for her to leave. Make her the bad guy. Call her friends and cry on the phone to ALL of them. Send her flowers at work.

The marriage is going to end. The only control you have is how it happens.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-04-2013, 07:54 AM
 
Location: Westchester County
1,223 posts, read 1,684,910 times
Reputation: 1235
Quote:
Originally Posted by Book Lover 21 View Post
If you want to be merciful, end it quickly and go your separate ways.

If you want her to suffer, then beg her to go to marriage counseling with her. Be the sweetest, most understanding husband ever. Make it difficult for her to leave. Make her the bad guy. Call her friends and cry on the phone to ALL of them. Send her flowers at work.

The marriage is going to end. The only control you have is how it happens.

As far as I'm concerned her friends are bitter women who just want everyone around them to be just as unhappy. My wife and I were the only ones who had been married most all (now that I think of it ALL) of her girlfriends are either divorced/separated/or have boyfriends that won't commit. I feel like the butt of a joke when I see these women because they all know and I'm supposed to be stupid and have no idea about what's going on. They think its great that all she does is deny that there is anything going on, and I seem to accept it. I thought they at least had some respect for me and would not want to get involved in it, but its like they are her personal cheering section. I feel humiliated. As far as my lack of appetite that goes on for the 6th day now. I have survived so far on a diet of coconut water and 11 m and m's. I have lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks. Every time I try to eat I bring it right back up. Due to the weight loss I have since stopped snoring.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-04-2013, 12:23 PM
 
Location: Alaska
5,356 posts, read 18,516,351 times
Reputation: 4071
I think it's time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and start planning what you're going to do. If you're going to fight for your marriage, then fight, but be aware that she may have left it long ago. If that's the case, you may find yourself left out in the cold.

If you're ready to end it, then first thing you need to do is get a lawyer. I don't know your current sleeping arrangements, but if you're both still in the same house, either kick her out or leave. Check that. Ask your lawyer what is the best approach. Have all communications go through your lawyer. Right now, you're letting her walk all over you and you need to change that by taking the lead. You need to get this done before she loses her job, otherwise you may be stuck with supporting her and her "bf."
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-08-2013, 12:48 PM
 
Location: Westchester County
1,223 posts, read 1,684,910 times
Reputation: 1235
I have started to look for an apartment. 28 years with someone and I have to start over (before we go into the lawyer/legal stuff I'm trying to cut a deal where she can buy me out and I'll keep my pension.) I have fought all I could and now its time to move on with my life. She no longer wants to be married, and the sooner I realize that the better.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-08-2013, 02:58 PM
 
Location: Alaska
5,356 posts, read 18,516,351 times
Reputation: 4071
Quote:
Originally Posted by SKP440 View Post
I have started to look for an apartment. 28 years with someone and I have to start over (before we go into the lawyer/legal stuff I'm trying to cut a deal where she can buy me out and I'll keep my pension.) I have fought all I could and now its time to move on with my life. She no longer wants to be married, and the sooner I realize that the better.
Good for you, but at least consult with a lawyer in case your negotiations don't go well. What you don't want to do is something that will give her a stronger starting point if you end up going the lawyer route. For instance, you moving out might give her more rights to the house (I'm just guessing here). In any case, protect what's more important to you.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-08-2013, 03:31 PM
 
Location: Metro Detroit
1,102 posts, read 1,348,727 times
Reputation: 675
Quote:
Originally Posted by Caddy1316 View Post
Nah. I just think his wife is irrational and possibly not quite as attracted to hubby as before and its her way of lashing out.
Quote:
Originally Posted by rego00123 View Post
Mod cut: Orphaned.

this is the reality of his situation. he either learns how to deal with her personality traits or he finds someone better suited to his way of presenting it all out on the table regardless of circumstance.

as it stands he never meant to upset her, and he has no idea why he did. he is trying to understand WHY....hence the answers given in this thread.

"communication" and insensitivity are not interchangeable terms, don't confuse them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Caddy1316 View Post
Sounds like he's doing a lot of unappreciated giving and he was just trying to get out in front of the issue.

Married or not, most women don't lash out for irrational reasons when they are highly attracted / deeply in love with their mate.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Caddy1316 View Post
What a selfish insensitive man for trying to protect his feelings and in reality, improving the relationship in the long run.

If this situation was flipped, shed be getting praised for being so "strong" and getting "out in front of the issue." And the guy would be getting roasted for being so insensitive in the past. This site is a white knight female support group, bad place for male advice. More for fun and trying to help out the guys that still ask advice here
I hate to do it, but I called it. Everyone was ragging on the op and calling him insensitive but in reality, she was lashing out and being irrational because she no longer was attracted or loved her husband.

By enabling this behavior by blaming yourself for her irrational tantrums, you perpetuated the inevitable end result of her losing all attraction for you
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-09-2013, 10:23 AM
 
Location: Metro Detroit
1,102 posts, read 1,348,727 times
Reputation: 675
Relationships where both partners are sufficiently in love with eachother, irrational behavior exhibited by the wife in this scenario is not seen. Truth came to light and that's exactly what it boiled down to
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Similar Threads

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 07:26 AM.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top