Excluding People Like You (men, statistics, 2013, personalities)

[Prince_Frog]

i don't date dudes.

That was an easy answer.

[Mikala43]

A relationship with two of me would result in bloodshed.

[RogersParkGuy]

Originally Posted by DennyCrane

One phenomenon I've seen both online and offline is people who are open to dating all kinds of people...except people like them. For example, a person in their 40s who won't date anyone else in their 40s. Or someone who won't date anyone of their own race. The single parent who won't date anyone with kids. Or the lawyer who refuses to date other lawyers. Now I realize these exclusions won't all be for the same reasons. But what do you think is at work here? Embarrassment? Self-loathing? Midlife crisis? It's just really intresting to see how common this is.

That is a very shrewd observation. I never noticed that before, but you're right.

But as you post suggested, the reasons for particular exclusions probably vary. Men their 40s who won't date women in their 40s are usually looking for women who are younger--like, 20 years younger. Lawyers hesitant to date other lawyers may not want to get personally involved with anyone they may one day have to face as an adversary in court.

[DennyCrane]

I can understand wanting to avoid the two extremes. Someone exactly like you would be boring. And someone who's your complete opposite would probably incompatible in the long run.

So let's go through some of the examples I gave.

1) The man in his 40s who refuses to date women in their 40s. Perhaps he wants kids so he's focusing on younger women. Or maybe he wants to impress everyone by showing that he can still appeal to younger woman. Or maybe he's embarrassed to be seen with a middle aged woman.

2) The person who refuses to date anyone of their own race. Maybe they're embarrassed by their race. Maybe they're trying to gain acceptance into another group.

3) The single mother who refuses to date single fathers. Perhaps knows how much harder dating gets when kids are involved and doesn't want to compound it by having another set of kids in the mix. Maybe she's afraid of drama with his ex. Maybe she just doesn't want to be a stepmom.

4) The lawyer who doesn't want to date other lawyers. When you're part of a certain profession, you see what people are really like in that field and it completely turns you off. But as someone pointed out earlier, this comes across as a bit arrogant. It's as if they're saying everyone in my profession is horrible except me.

[the minx]

I have never encountered this. Think about how many people end up meeting someone at work. I imagine there are a lot of similarities there. Many people meet over common interests - again similarity.

You're glass half full, Denny.

[CrowGirl]

I can speak to one of the situations being a lawyer who consciously didn't date other lawyers. I'm sure it's differnrt for everyone but as others have suggested to me it's just too much. I spend long hours at work and when I'm away from it I want to be AWAY from it. I think the tendency if I was married to another lawyer would be to get sucked into a vortex where your world is one where your spouse is a lawyer, your friends are lawyers, etc. There are lots of aspects of my personality and the lawyer part is already getting more time than it should have. My husband is a service advisor for a car deadlership and I couldn't be happier. We both bring something completely different to the table and I think are a stronger unit for it.

[sade693]

I think part of it has to do with people refusing to acknowledge who or what mainstream society would classify them as. The men and women in their 40s who only want to date my peers are probably the types who use phrases like "40 is the new 20" and are sure to interject into every conversation how they exercise regularly and don't feel like they've aged at all. It's like how hipsters always deny that they're hipsters.

Another part of this phenomenon could be explained by the fact that many people want to be different than they are - or at the very least add skills to their repertoire. The person who's only travelled around their tri-state area wants to see more of the world, and so they're more open to meeting well-travelled people. The person who never played sports in high school wants to try rock-climbing or running a marathon, and so they're more open to meeting active people. The person who's a shy extrovert wants to experience partying and having a large social circle, and so they're more open to meeting social butterflies.

[Idon'tdateyou]

Originally Posted by DennyCrane

One phenomenon I've seen both online and offline is people who are open to dating all kinds of people...except people like them.

If people are excluding people like them they aren't open to dating all kinds of people.

Originally Posted by DennyCrane

For example, a person in their 40s who won't date anyone else in their 40s.

I see this with both sexes but mostly with men. men who ignore women their age probably haven't grown up yet or think they are more than they are. These morons are often on dating sites and will likely be there for years. Many men are on dating sites strictly because they feel they deserve better than what they are.

Originally Posted by DennyCrane

Or someone who won't date anyone of their own race.

To me this just reminds me of preferences when it comes to looks. In some cases it's a matter of class or income (such as many successful black men seem to prefer white women). Other times it just clicks.

Originally Posted by DennyCrane

The single parent who won't date anyone with kids.

Got this one a lot on dating sites where many single dads refused to date single moms. They thought they deserved someone like me without kids until I told them I would never consider them. I would tell them to look at moms and they got mad.

Originally Posted by DennyCrane

Or the lawyer who refuses to date other lawyers.

Some people just like dating people with different jobs. I don't get a lawyer refusing to date a lawyer though.

Originally Posted by DennyCrane

Now I realize these exclusions won't all be for the same reasons. But what do you think is at work here? Embarrassment? Self-loathing? Midlife crisis? It's just really interesting to see how common this is.

Some people are delusional when it comes to certain things like age, or income or parenthood.

[gr8cakes]

Dating or being with someone just like me?
I've honestly never given it much of a thought.

It could be daunting or wonderful.

You'll always know how the other thinks and behaves.
What type morals and values they'd have.
Afterall, they're like yours.

I think most people go for their opposite because they don't like themselves.

[bg7]

They are seeking something in someone else that they don't already have. Its normal.