Anyone with their husband or wife just for the kids? (marriage, love)

[goodtype]

A relative of mine just hates her husband. Though they are still married after 14 years. They have decided it is just to hard to separate and divorce. Both are working low paid jobs, are poorly educated and seem a little dense. They go weeks without saying a word to each other and both tell everyone who will listen-- how much they hate the their spouse. I understand there is no yelling and screaming just the silent treatment.

They have 4 kids and stay together just so all will have a father and mother living in the same house. Approve or disapprove?

[CaptainPointless]

Originally Posted by goodtype

A relative of mine just hates her husband. Though they are still married after 14 years. They have decided it is just to hard to separate and divorce. Both are working low paid jobs, are poorly educated and seem a little dense. They go weeks without saying a word to each other and each tell everyone who will listen how much they hate the their spouse. I understand there is no yelling and screaming just the silent treatment.

They have 4 kids and stay together just so all will have a father and mother living in the same house. Approve or disapprove?

Disapprove. Coming from a 21 year old who's never been married or had kids, I can tell you that if it were my parents who were giving each other the silent treatment at home, it would tear me apart. I'd feel more obligated to pick a side than if they simply yelled at each other over their problems. And there's 4 kids? If I were one of the 4, I'd rather try to work out going to one or the other's house on weekends (assuming they would have joint custody). Yeah, it sounds like they should have thought a bit more about their decisions before making them. But history is history.

[cremebrulee]

I believe this is co-dependency....so many people use the children as an excuse to stay together...which, to me, doesn't make sense in the least.

[thelostsouls]

One of my best friends from work maintains her marriage only for her kids. Her youngest is 14, and she plans on dumping her scuzzbag hubby as soon as her boy hits 18 or 19.
This husband has cheated on her 3 times, and she is absolutely repulsed by him. She can't even look at him without wanting to tear him to pieces.

Yeah, she's dedicated to the kids, but she needs to think of herself too. And the kids aren't dumb - they know what's up. ah well.

[NuWoman]

My parents lived this life... and yeah, it is co-dependency. At least when I was in the house that was her excuse. I wanted her to leave my father, he was unkind to her and I. Now she has no excuse, but still stays... my ex wanted us to do this, I left him. We lived separate lives in the same home for 2 years and soon as I could afford to take my two children and be gone, I was. Never better. He did try to talk me into coming back and just live in separate bedrooms as a resolution - DENIED! Don't mean to sound cold, but there was nothing there anymore and it just turned out I was NOT what he was really looking for (a silent trophy wife), he just thought he could persuade me to become what he was looking for.

[tao]

Is goodtype Dingler? These are the same type of threads that Dingler used to post.

[THASPECIAL]

Originally Posted by cremebrulee

I believe this is co-dependency....so many people use the children as an excuse to stay together...which, to me, doesn't make sense in the least.

It could go the other way to..believe it or not people used to believe that staying together until the kids grew to be adults would actually give stability to the way kids see how a family is.....im telling you....my parents were together for 22 years and i always knew something was wrong but i had both parents there to talk to if needed...but when i was 14 they divorced...and even though the arguements went away and my mother seemed like a weight was gone....me and my brother really went into the wrong direction because there was something missing ......so i think some people are just "old skool" and try to do things for thier kids instead of thier needs


I could see if there were beatings going on that maybe they should split up but if there is just no love and arguements/silent treatment going on then i think the kids would be better off if the parents stayed together than if they broke the family up.....nowadays people are way to impatient...they destroy things the moment they feel uncomfortable

[KarlaT2]

You know, I was raised in that environment. My parents hardly speak to each other, and have definite areas that are his and her zones. What fun that used to be. They are older and grew up that you stayed together no matter what. I always wished my Mom would have found someone to treat her like she deserves to be, but she would never leave. She didn't work, so it would have been hard.
It's hard when the "it's better for the kids to stay together" has been instilled in you all your life.
I am living that right now. We have decided to do something about it finally, but need to sell our house first. That could take awhile. It's harder when there is nothing really bad in a relationship, just no closeness or interest in maintaining a relationship on either side.
I struggle with that everyday. What is best for the daughter. Upbringing vs want. It's a tough one.

[Twinkle Toes]

Originally Posted by tao

Is goodtype Dingler? These are the same type of threads that Dingler used to post.

Yeah, where is good ol' Dingle? Haven't seen him around these parts lately!

I'm kind of dealing with this situation now. My parents, while I'm sure they love each other, tend to treat each other like crap. My dad emails me with his tales of woe on a weekly basis. I don't respond to the emails because I really don't want to be involved. I'd probably have to take my mom's side anyway because I know how my dad exaggerates things and how gruff and grumpy he is all the time. Mom basically has an "I don't really care anymore" attitude and dad gets pissed off and has some serious road rage.

Unfortunately, I have to go up to their house this weekend. I'm really considering staying in a hotel. My brother says I should just tell dad how I feel, which is - either get some counseling and fix this thing or get a divorce, but don't get me involved in it!

I've just remained silent about all this stuff for years and years because I don't want to rock the boat. I think if I tell my dad what my brother says I should, then he'll just be pissed off at me because I'm not agreeing and siding with him 100% that my mom is this horrible, evil person who is making his life so miserable.

Actually, I have a LOT of things tht probably need to be said to both of my parents, but in order to keep the peace, I may just keep all those things to myself and just have a good cry after they have passed away.

I don't think people should stay together for the sake of their kids, but I know it is easier to say that than it is to actually carry through with it. I do know that my brothers and I would have probably been happier if mom and dad weren't together because even though we have good memories, we also have memories of dad always being pissed off and angry - and it seems like it's ALWAYS been that way.

[Pikantari]

My mother was always very unhappy in her marriage. I remember in high school she wasso depressed, but always they stayed together. I think she had never livedher adult life without a man, maybeshe felt she couldn't do it.

Maybemy father felt he did no wrong, like my husband, stbx. I knew the environment was shaky but always they stayed together, asfar as I know.

When I was very young, before my 1st bday, she left him, but came back.

I cannot question any of this, they are both gone from this world.

I was their only child, both previously married. Maybeit was me, the reason they stayed together.

I am taking a different road, I tried for so long, and realized that I too, was co dependant, but I am not in that life anymore.