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Old 10-01-2013, 07:36 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
What do you mean by like?

I guess you just don' spend a lot of time fretting about violations. I cannot even begin to imagine him wanting to do anything to hurt me. Violate my trust? No, never.
By "like", I just mean, are you ever worried about him potentially wanting to leave what you and he have together, to be with one of the other swingers, on a permanent basis?

Also, could you please also address my second question, of how if by definition in a swinging relationship, married swingers partners being intimate with others does not represent unfaithfulness, then what would represent unfaithfulness, in your view? Honestly j/c...
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Old 10-01-2013, 07:41 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Knight2009 View Post
By "like", I just mean, are you ever worried about him potentially wanting to leave what you and he have together, to be with one of the other swingers, on a permanent basis?

Also, could you please also address my second question, of how if by definition in a swinging relationship, married swingers partners being intimate with others does not represent unfaithfulness, then what would represent unfaithfulness, in your view? Honestly j/c...
To the first. No. Not once.

To the second, I simply cant answer what I think you are asking. I cant answer for all swinging relationships. For our relationship, breaking faith involves deceipt, failure of caring. No longer deserving of trust.
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Old 10-01-2013, 07:54 PM
 
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@Knight:

I don't know about swinger culture, but in polyamory cheating is normally defined as breaking agreements. For example, if we make an agreement that I can date anyone I like except not your brother, and I date your brother, then I have cheated.

Or, in a more down to earth situation, if we agree that we will always use condoms with others, and then one of us does not.
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Old 10-01-2013, 07:58 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NilaJones View Post
@Knight:

I don't know about swinger culture, but in polyamory cheating is normally defined as breaking agreements. For example, if we make an agreement that I can date anyone I like except not your brother, and I date your brother, then I have cheated.

Or, in a more down to earth situation, if we agree that we will always use condoms with others, and then one of us does not.
I am curous if defining it such is just another way of saying not being honest and trustworthy?
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Old 10-01-2013, 08:25 PM
 
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I suspect the jealousy aspect of an open relationship is the hardest part to overcome. My guess would be if you go forward with this plan, you will not be together a year from now. Then again you might, but I don't think most people know exactly what the outcome will be. If his inexperience is weighing on him and he wants to do this, I would tell him to go ahead, but he should understand you may not still be there when he decides that you are the one that he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I suspect you will hear all kinds of people tell you to watch out for STD's, and while that may be the case, you need to watch out for your own feelings. How can a person truly in love want to have a sexual relationship with someone else? If he does, can he really be in love with you? Personally, I couldn't do that, but then again maybe I'm just an old fuddy-duddy...
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Old 10-02-2013, 04:12 AM
 
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,838,343 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nite Ryder View Post
. How can a person truly in love want to have a sexual relationship with someone else? If he does, can he really be in love with you? Personally, I couldn't do that, but then again maybe I'm just an old fuddy-duddy...

How? Very easily. People all over the world that are madly in love with their partners find themselves sexually attracted to and desiring other people physically, that is more the norm than otherwise. And yes, of course they love and are still "in love" with the person they're with. Once you're in a loving, passionate relationship with the person you're in love with you don't stop having attractions to others. Or, most people don't. They just restrict themselves from acting on it and try to suppress them, which is fine for the majority of people.
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Old 10-02-2013, 07:57 AM
 
4,098 posts, read 7,096,448 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742 View Post
How? Very easily. People all over the world that are madly in love with their partners find themselves sexually attracted to and desiring other people physically, that is more the norm than otherwise. And yes, of course they love and are still "in love" with the person they're with. Once you're in a loving, passionate relationship with the person you're in love with you don't stop having attractions to others. Or, most people don't. They just restrict themselves from acting on it and try to suppress them, which is fine for the majority of people.
You may be right that people are still attracted to others when they are married, but is that attraction enough to have a sexual relationship with that person? I think you have something wrong with your thinking process if you are inclined to just "jump the bones" of everyone who you are attracted to, what about your sister or some other relative you like?
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Old 10-02-2013, 08:07 AM
 
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,838,343 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nite Ryder View Post
You may be right that people are still attracted to others when they are married, but is that attraction enough to have a sexual relationship with that person? I think you have something wrong with your thinking process if you are inclined to just "jump the bones" of everyone who you are attracted to, what about your sister or some other relative you like?

Well, I'm not poly myself, but know many people that are. If the couple agrees that they can see other people, then why not pursue it? Why deny themselves if they feel denying themselves gains them nothing but restricts them? It sounds very Christian martyr-dome esque, like denying oneself a pleasure is a noble thing somehow.

And no one said anything about "jump(ing) the bones" of everyone they are attracted to. Poly relationships aren't about hook ups. Swingers are doing it as a couple. Open relationships take all forms.

And seriously, comparing it to incest? That is very weak. It makes me question your thinking process.
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Old 10-02-2013, 09:49 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,495,521 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742 View Post
Well, I'm not poly myself, but know many people that are. If the couple agrees that they can see other people, then why not pursue it? Why deny themselves if they feel denying themselves gains them nothing but restricts them? It sounds very Christian martyr-dome esque, like denying oneself a pleasure is a noble thing somehow.

And no one said anything about "jump(ing) the bones" of everyone they are attracted to. Poly relationships aren't about hook ups. Swingers are doing it as a couple. Open relationships take all forms.

And seriously, comparing it to incest? That is very weak. It makes me question your thinking process.
"why deny themselves?"

how about because debauchery is very egotistical and prevents us from rising to our potential to be the most evolved human being possible.

Self-denial takes self discipline, wisdom, maturity and higher thinking.

Sadly, not all are up to the challenge.
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Old 10-02-2013, 10:41 AM
 
14,294 posts, read 13,158,830 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742 View Post
Well, I'm not poly myself, but know many people that are. If the couple agrees that they can see other people, then why not pursue it? Why deny themselves if they feel denying themselves gains them nothing but restricts them? It sounds very Christian martyr-dome esque, like denying oneself a pleasure is a noble thing somehow.

And no one said anything about "jump(ing) the bones" of everyone they are attracted to. Poly relationships aren't about hook ups. Swingers are doing it as a couple. Open relationships take all forms.

And seriously, comparing it to incest? That is very weak. It makes me question your thinking process.

I don't know about other folks. This does not ring true for the way we feel.

There is no great drive to pursue every attractive person we see just because they are there. If anything, someone who has LESS attachment to this great sexual meaning that lots of y'all are attached to this irresistible desire. In the decades of being with my husband, I never got hot and bothered about being attracted to someone else.

Bear in mind that DH and I were swingers. NOT polyA, (PolyFI for those of you to whom that has meaning.)

What we had was no so much burning desire. But a burgeoning freedom. When I married DH, I forsook all others. Don't we all? It was no different to forsake a bisexual nature. No biggie. But the lack of constraint did not so much release us to pursue random attraction willy nilly but did allow for the beginning of other considerations. Such as understanding what that could mean.

None of this was entered into lightly. Posts on here make it sound like og gee we don't care about exclusivity, let's bang. It does not work that way for ANYONE that I know. It develops from an opportunity to explore specific things of interest. It grows from there based the development of very close friends, closer relationship with your partner, etc..
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