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Simple honesty is the best policy as long as both parties know the what is on the table then everything else is cool.
Reading through this thread it does become humbling because lets face it all of us have made assumption and baseless evaluations of character based on people life styles and current place in life. We have all offended some one and brushed it off as their insecurity or have been offended and call out the ignorance of the offender as the issue.
We are all human beings here and at times we tend to awful but all of us can try to be self aware to our fullest and cut down on the awful the best we can.
Nila, Aptor, others who are in these types of relationships, let me ask you this:
You say that these relationships can be wonderful and exciting, but how so?
Well one example is the opportunity to explore one's bisexuality if that be their condition.
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Most people I know (including myself) are monogamous and jealous, even insanely so. How could people like this flourish in a poly/open relationship?
I don't know how many people are "wired" for monogamy vs not and how many are profoundly conditioned to it. It is certainly true enough that our society views it as the one and only right and sane relationship model. But just as mainstream society nearly universally are religious, some of us just aren't. In the same way, some of just aren't monogamous. For us (DH and I and our now partners), it did take some transitional rethinking of the facts of our lives. And we DID experience jealousy. We just did not choose to avoid the jealousy but to work through it.
Nila, Aptor, others who are in these types of relationships, let me ask you this:
You say that these relationships can be wonderful and exciting, but how so? Most people I know (including myself) are monogamous and jealous, even insanely so. How could people like this flourish in a poly/open relationship?
You probably couldn't. That doesn't make you unenlightened or "lesser" somehow, so please don't think that. This type of relationship is not for everybody.
You probably couldn't. That doesn't make you unenlightened or "lesser" somehow, so please don't think that. This type of relationship is not for everybody.
Well one example is the opportunity to explore one's bisexuality if that be their condition.
Makes sense, I guess, for those who go that way. But again, both partners have to agree, no?
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I don't know how many people are "wired" for monogamy vs not and how many are profoundly conditioned to it.
But how is someone conditioned to that? I think for most of us who think this way, it is instinctive.
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It is certainly true enough that our society views it as the one and only right and sane relationship model. But just as mainstream society nearly universally are religious, some of us just aren't. In the same way, some of just aren't monogamous. For us (DH and I and our now partners), it did take some transitional rethinking of the facts of our lives. And we DID experience jealousy. We just did not choose to avoid the jealousy but to work through it.
How do you work through a feeling that can be intense as jealousy?
Acknowledge what about it? That she is attempting to make it? Sure! I acknowledge that she is attempting to make a point. Open mindedness does not require that I agree with the point after having considered it.
True, but are personal attacks on those you happen to disagree (even strongly) with really necessary, though? Why not attack what you view are the holes in the logic of the person's points and statements, and not the person him or herself?
True, but are personal attacks on those you happen to disagree (even strongly) with really necessary, though? Why not attack what you view are the holes in the logic of the person's points and statements, and not the person him or herself?
To be clear, I took issue with what is called a logical fallacy. Someone claiming authority to lend credence to their argument. I know you want me to join the kumbaya love of everyone being cheerful about how happy they are to be humbled by each other. Not my bag. Have fun though!
You probably couldn't. That doesn't make you unenlightened or "lesser" somehow, so please don't think that. This type of relationship is not for everybody.
OK, that makes sense. I agree that it's not for everybody.
Makes sense, I guess, for those who go that way. But again, both partners have to agree, no?
Always. But at least for us, it is not legalistic. No pressure or any nonsense of that sort.
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But how is someone conditioned to that? I think for most of us who think this way, it is instinctive.
How would someone be conditioned? Look around. Most of the people you know are at least outwardly mono. At least I grew up learning that sex was this sacred thing that God made horrible so you could only do it with someone you were married to. Because it was bad and nasty but oh so good. Wink wink. Look at how over the course of recent history that anything that is not sexually mainstream is heaped with nasty names. Not that long ago, interRACIAL relationships, relationships with different melatonin levels in the skin, were considered evil and the like. We are JUST beginning to accept homsexuality in mainstream society after hard fought times. All because our society is enmeshed in sexual repression that requires a heap of caveats from procreation (forget that you us birth control, God can get past that) to twooo nub, to marriage. My mother would be pretty mortified if she knew of my predilection. How would your Mom feel? THAT is how we are conditioned. I am sure not convinced that instinct has anything to do with it.
I am not saying that that is BAD. Or makes someone .... I don't know .... bad. I don't know how else to say it. I am just saying it does not affect everyone the same way. People who grew up under the same pressures STILL discovered that they were gay.
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How do you work through a feeling that can be intense as jealousy?
I guess I would not know about intense jealousy. But I don't consider jealousy a healthy emotion. So we would work through it by identifying its root cause. Fear of losing the position of primacy, of being replaced emotionally. Assurance and recognition along with unfailingly trustworthy behavior sets those concerns aside over time.
But if jealousy is a testament to love, as it is for some people, than working through it would simply not be possible. Or really, desirable. Why would they even Go There? It would make no sense for them.
To be clear, I took issue with what is called a logical fallacy. Someone claiming authority to lend credence to their argument. I know you want me to join the kumbaya love of everyone being cheerful about how happy they are to be humbled by each other. Not my bag. Have fun though!
I don't remember you explaining exactly how and why you felt the argument presented was a logical fallacy, though? Just that you were unhappy, with the poster in question...can you please elaborate, on what you felt made the position a logical fallacy?
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Why not attack what you view are the holes in the logic of the person's points and statements, and not the person him or herself?
