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I know my husband isn't actually doing anything wrong. He is kind and gentle with me, we are good friends, we spend most of our time together, and he's even affectionate to the point of clinginess. But it is really bothering me to know that he is in love with the ex, still.
Has anyone experienced this? If so, how did you move past it? Should I stop yammering to myself about my hurt feelings and focus on my husband's pain and on his loss of a huge share of his very limited emotional energy to a lost cause?
Well, do you honestly know that he is truly still in love with the ex after seven years?
If that is the case, it is messed up.
I guess it is kind of hard to explain to others, I still occasionally think about my late boyfriend. I still thought about all the what ifs. How well he treated me. How much we were in love.. etc, etc. It has been 4.5 years for me. I am definitely NOT in love with him, but I will always think about him and a part of me will always belong to him. That doesn't mean I cannot love another man FULLY, 100%, that just means that "everything we love and loves us back never dies." no more/less.
Others perhaps already suggested counseling. You need to vent and share your emotions honestly without being judged. All your feelings need to be validated in order to move forward.
Maybe your husband's love for you and his feelings for the ex are not quite the same. Maybe he has some unresolved issues with the ex, try not to think he is still in love with her.
Honestly, seek therapy for yourself. Therapy doesn't mean that anything is wrong with you, but I view it as preventative medicine. It is good to go to therapy in order to better understand the situations of our lives and how to best react to it. I think it is odd that he is still in love with someone who was probably creeped out by his clinginess and his insistence on sending notes annually. I think it is normal to have feelings for someone, but it is not normal to be so consumed with these feelings that. If this is something that is a revelation for you, then therapy is good to help you in that transition of how to deal with this knowledge.
I'm of two minds. First, minx might be correct in this, but part of me wonders if he hasn't built her up to mythical status since there has been no contact for such a long time. Maybe he's in love with a memory, but part of me suspects the memory far outweighs the actual person.
That's the thing about obsession, it's never about the object which is desired.
I know that I brought this on myself by eavesdropping on a telephone conversation between my husband and one of his guy friends. I was just sort of accidentally on purpose lingering in the vicinity while he was on the phone. I realize that wasn't right, but I did it. He may even have known I could overhear, heck, he probably did, but I know that doesn't justify violating his privacy.
Anyway, my husband had a longterm girlfriend he met in college who left him a couple of years before we met. When we first got together, it was obvious he wasn't over that relationship. He talked about his ex constantly, compared me to her, etc. Around the time we married, we had a huge blowout because he was sending her annual letters, ostensibly birthday greetings. She wasn't responding, but it bothered me that he was writing to her, anyway.
My husband and I have now been married for more than 7 years, now, and he and his ex haven't had contact in that time, other than the letters he sent and she didn't answer in the first 1-2 years. Over time, he has talked about her less and less. I don't remember the last time he mentioned her, until today.
My husband told his friend that thoughts of his ex are dissipating a large amount of his emotional energy, and that this is what he is working on with his therapist right now. He also said that he can't have contact with the ex because it causes me pain.
I know my husband isn't actually doing anything wrong. He is kind and gentle with me, we are good friends, we spend most of our time together, and he's even affectionate to the point of clinginess. But it is really bothering me to know that he is in love with the ex, still.
Has anyone experienced this? If so, how did you move past it? Should I stop yammering to myself about my hurt feelings and focus on my husband's pain and on his loss of a huge share of his very limited emotional energy to a lost cause?
Obviously he has never fully healed from his ex. The worst part about all of this is that you are right in the middle. Otherwise, you could possibly counsel him into the reasons why his relationship with her didn't work out. How it wasn't meant to be. But you aren't in the position to do that seeing how you love him and you might not like the answers that he might say. It's a very sad situation. I feel for you. I think that your husband might have thought he was over her, only to realize that he wasn't. Or perhaps he wants to be so badly, but just doesn't seem to know how/ or have the ability to move on. Either or, I do think that he loves you, but that's not much of a constellation prize. Just an awful situation to be in. I know that I have never experienced anything like this. I've never been married. I personally would move on if he hasn't from his ex. Only because it's not fair to you or him. You both have needs. I don't think that our ego's can handle knowing that someone whom we love very much perhaps still loves someone else more. Sooner or later you won't be ok with it. Not implying that you are now. I would really contemplate leaving if you haven't already.
if he talked about his ex when you first met that should have been your red flag to next him but unfortunately for you you're married to him now.
I'm not sure I have sympathy for you considering that detail. That's like walking in front of a moving car/train with knowledge that you'll be hurt beforehand.
I'm pretty certain there wasn't a gun pointed at this man's head when he said, "I Do." And chances are, he either proposed or at least accepted a proposal in the first place.
I'm very sorry, Forum_Browser. This wouldn't be easy for anyone. My only positive is that he recognizes he has a problem and is working on it, and it has decreased over time. And honestly, if she hasn't been interested in him since, she's over him. She would've reciprocated his feelings at some point and hasn't.
That's the thing about obsession, it's never about the object which is desired.
Bingo. This is what I need to remember. With OCD, obsessions shift; the only constant is that there are obsessions. When I first posted, I was upset to learn that this had popped up in the obsession rotation. I needed to put it into perspective, which I think I have done.
Obviously he has never fully healed from his ex. The worst part about all of this is that you are right in the middle. Otherwise, you could possibly counsel him into the reasons why his relationship with her didn't work out. How it wasn't meant to be. But you aren't in the position to do that seeing how you love him and you might not like the answers that he might say. It's a very sad situation. I feel for you. I think that your husband might have thought he was over her, only to realize that he wasn't. Or perhaps he wants to be so badly, but just doesn't seem to know how/ or have the ability to move on. Either or, I do think that he loves you, but that's not much of a constellation prize. Just an awful situation to be in. I know that I have never experienced anything like this. I've never been married. I personally would move on if he hasn't from his ex. Only because it's not fair to you or him. You both have needs. I don't think that our ego's can handle knowing that someone whom we love very much perhaps still loves someone else more. Sooner or later you won't be ok with it. Not implying that you are now. I would really contemplate leaving if you haven't already.
I always enjoy reading your post. You should be a therapist. smp
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