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I am hoping people with similar experiences will chime in.
We get along great. He is very intelligent, a unique person, funny, very thoughtful, caring, considerate and a dynamo physically (well, you know). He loves me very much and wants a future with me. And I love him (but not sure about that 'future' thing). We have spent a lot of time together over the last few months.
Dum du dummm, cue the ominous music.
He thinks it's important that we spend time with each others' families, and I don't disagree. I enjoy spending time with people of all ages, and I work with kids, and love hanging around with them. He has 4 kids, ranging from a 10 year old son to 2 girls in college. Their mom abandoned the family 2 years ago, served their dad with papers one year later, and the divorce is final. I have 3 adult aged kids, whom I adore. I am very close to my kids, although they live far away.
So this weekend we went to his family 'camp' (what they call a cabin here). There were a lot of chores to do. I have to admit I was clenching my jaw that my guy was working like a dog while his 2 boys, the 10 year old and 16 year old, basically lazed. But really what was distressing was that the teenager gave me the stink-eye every time I made the mistake of glancing at him. He was openly rude if I asked him a question. One daughter (freshman in college) has also been rude to me on the phone.
Yes, I am being a tad sensitive. But I just feel like I don't need and deserve this, you know? I care about the kids and their dad, but I'm not going to be treated disrespectfully.
I talked to him about this during the weekend, and he knows the teenage son has problems and is very withdrawn. I say he only has 2 more years with this kid and he better get to know him. My guy wants to spend evenings with me, but I say he needs to be home with the kids because they only have one parent now. And I just can't feel comfortable at their house.
What do you think? Is there hope here? Should I cut my losses and get out? I care, but I also want to relax and have fun and not have to tiptoe around a teenager.
What else do you see that I'm missing? Thanks for any insights.
You might get somewhere with the 10 year old, but the 16 year old & older girls are still under Mommy's umbrella. Is she still in the picture at all? Did she walk away from the entire family or just her marriage?
Personally I think the only reason I made strides with my stepkids is because their mom was out of the picture (in prison). When the mom is still around it makes things much more difficult. Maybe since she walked away it will be easier for you, but at any rate you will have to be patient. For years.
What is there not to get? Do you do everything your parents tell you to do? Some people think kids are just extensions of their parents.
Yeah, but you can tell them what to do. He could actually be, you know, stern. I'd be pissed at my kids if they were all obnoxious to my new/replacement woman if THE MOM WALKED OUT ON ME. That's a pretty serious thing to happen, and it's reasonable for a Dad to look for some regularity and consistency once again.
I'd just tell them to leave the house when she's around if they can't act right. I mean Jesus, the mom is a pill addict, and leaves them just like that and none of her huge inheritance goes to the kids' college? That's so f!@#ed up. Again, they should be pissed at her, not at Mrs. REAL , DECENT woman and mom material.
The two oldest are college girls, away at school. There is never time for what you suggest NilaJones, but it's a great thought.
Sorry, i meant the 16 year old and the other one who is giving you trouble. Would that work?
When teens are disrespectful, sometimes it is because they fear it is not ok for them to directly say what they are upset about. It might help to ask him, in a supportive way, what about you bothers him. And her.
The mom just left him. This is EXACTLY the time for romance for this guy. I don't know who you people are, aliens or something, but people need people in their lives, a rock they can depend on.
Queen Victoria was so devastated when Arthur died, she didn't leave the castle or whatever for 10 years. She loved on him and depended on him that much. He was her rock.
Is it just me, or is there a huge theme on this forum where it's all about YOURSELF, and dropping other people quickly and not making a commitment?
Yeah, but you can tell them what to do. He could actually be, you know, stern. I'd be pissed at my kids if they were all obnoxious to my new/replacement woman if THE MOM WALKED OUT ON ME. That's a pretty serious thing to happen, and it's reasonable for a Dad to look for some regularity and consistency once again.
I'd just tell them to leave the house when she's around if they can't act right. I mean Jesus, the mom is a pill addict, and leaves them just like that and none of her huge inheritance goes to the kids' college? That's so f!@#ed up. Again, they should be pissed at her, not at Mrs. REAL , DECENT woman and mom material.
Just, no.
The OP is not a "replacement woman".
I'm curious if the kids have had any counselling. The dad's primary concern should be for his children's emotional wellbeing, and the damage that is caused when a parent abandons their family/children. It's not something you just get over, it rocks you to your very core and left unaddressed/unresolved, time doesn't make it better, it makes things worse.
While the kids should have better manners than that, it's obvious they're acting out their unresolved issues with mom leaving. It doesn't excuse them, but it makes things more understandable. While dad might need companionship, the kids don't have this same need.
I think the OP is on the right track, and would suggest she step back, or at least spend time with the dad when the kids aren't around. At the same time, and as a former stepmom myself, I don't know how much I'd be willing to invest in a guy with kids with such unresolved issues and feelings. This is not a traditional situation at all, there is much to overcome, and only the OP can decide if it's something she's willing to take on.
I'm curious if the kids have had any counselling. The dad's primary concern should be for his children's emotional wellbeing, and the damage that is caused when a parent abandons their family/children. It's not something you just get over, it rocks you to your very core and left unaddressed/unresolved, time doesn't make it better, it makes things worse.
While the kids should have better manners than that, it's obvious they're acting out their unresolved issues with mom leaving. It doesn't excuse them, but it makes things more understandable. While dad might need companionship, the kids don't have this same need.
I think the OP is on the right track, and would suggest she step back, or at least spend time with the dad when the kids aren't around. At the same time, and as a former stepmom myself, I don't know how much I'd be willing to invest in a guy with kids with such unresolved issues and feelings. This is not a traditional situation at all, there is much to overcome, and only the OP can decide if it's something she's willing to take on.
Honestly, I think the kids are being bratty, and could handle it better. And I think they've decided to outright dislike this woman for no good reason. The most benign thing that's happening psychologically is that they can't accept that their mom has LEFT them, and are instead blaming this woman. But even that is unacceptable at 16, they should be more emotionally mature.
And yes, for me, the new woman would be a "replacement" woman. I would want/DO want, a woman in my life all the time, my rock, to lean on, there for me, and I'd feel it is especially important when I have kids.
Yeah, but you can tell them what to do. He could actually be, you know, stern. I'd be pissed at my kids if they were all obnoxious to my new/replacement woman if THE MOM WALKED OUT ON ME. That's a pretty serious thing to happen, and it's reasonable for a Dad to look for some regularity and consistency once again.
I'd just tell them to leave the house when she's around if they can't act right. I mean Jesus, the mom is a pill addict, and leaves them just like that and none of her huge inheritance goes to the kids' college? That's so f!@#ed up. Again, they should be pissed at her, not at Mrs. REAL , DECENT woman and mom material.
Shoulda, woulda, coulda.
These are kids. They don't think like adults. All they know is Mom is gone and they don't understand why, and they think another woman being there is keeping their mother from coming back.
Honestly, I think the kids are being bratty, and could handle it better. And I think they've decided to outright dislike this woman for no good reason. The most benign thing that's happening psychologically is that they can't accept that their mom has LEFT them, and are instead blaming this woman. But even that is unacceptable at 16, they should be more emotionally mature.
And yes, for me, the new woman would be a "replacement" woman. I would want/DO want, a woman in my life all the time, my rock, to lean on, there for me, and I'd feel it is especially important when I have kids.
When you combine this post with your rant in another thread about how/why you want a SAHM housewife, I think I can see why you don't have a woman.
How long ago did the wife leave? How long have you two been dating? If she left 3 years ago then obviously that's a lot different than if it was 3 months ago. Teenagers are not grown ups and IMO, even college age are still kids in many ways. I cannot imagine how it must feel to have your mom walk out and now your parents are divorced and you don't have your mom in your life. I am sure they resent you just because you are there, just because they can, and maybe just because they don't know how to process this turn of events.
I don't understand why if this man really cares about you AND about his family, he can't take a step back no matter how passionate he is for you. Seeing each other once or twice a week is better than not at all. If you guys really want to see if there is potential here, then I think you need to step back and see how things play out and give the kids more time to accept this situation. He must be hurting as well. I wonder what is his rush to make future plans.
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